G-D

This next update might be a little controversial, but I want to get this off my mind.

Today in Psych class the teacher asked us to pick two incidents that were defining moments of our childhood then write them down, an exercise in memory. Which by the way, when it came to serial recall, I was one of the last students standing.. and I knew the word was there in the order somewhere, but I didn't have it down. Of all the luck, I could have really shown off since I knew the next two after I was out of the running were right.

Anyways, back on topic. I've always considered this day to be one of the most iconic to my entire life. I remember waking up one morning, in my old room I had as a child, my bed was up against the wall of the closet, so I have no idea how old I was but it was definitely before 4th grade. I remember looking outside the window, and just asking G-d over and over again, "why?" I just kept asking, if you really existed g-d, why would you make me like this? Why am I some fat (I was very chubby as a child) hearing impaired kid? Is this a price to pay for being the smartest in my class (something that DIDN'T happen in high school and most definitely not in college) or my perfect vision (above average really, but who's keeping track?) It was on that day I firmly decided that the g-d as I knew him wasn't an omniscient powerful being.

Now I understand that this view is going to piss a lot of people off, but I'm just saying this right now. You have your views and I have mine. I have utmost respect for those who have undying faith in G-d but there are certain things that I believe, and I don't need your explanation on them, I've come to my conclusions, let me stick with them, and you stick with your beliefs as well as the belief that I'm a moron.

I believe G-d exists, but I do not believe he created the world. I believe in the story of adam and eve, but not as primitively as it is portrayed. I believe in the garden of eden, but not of creationism. I believe in evolution, and I believe in science and logic. But I will not believe in G-d as a powerful being who has control over all. I was raised Jewish, and perhaps, nay, that IS the only reason why I hold onto G-d in a religious sense, but scientifically speaking, it's impossible for me to believe in his power.

Logically speaking, it doesn't make sense that he would curse me with this hearing loss. If anything, this hearing loss has improved my sense to read people, their body language, their facial expression. You could say it makes every day like poker, filled with bluffs on my part. But as much as you card heads out there wish this was true, it's exhausting, and it's something I find no one would want for a long, LONG, period of time.

I find this common, everyone wishes they had some ability someone else had, but they never even realize how much of an inconvenience or how annoying it would be to have this "ability" for years on end.

But yes, I never understood why G-d gave me this hearing loss, and I never will. It has done more against me socially than for. The shyness has not been overcome by my ability to read people and socially bluff. Because I still answer the wrong thing to certain questions. I never saw any good that came out of this hearing loss other than above average vision, which would have been nicer to be able to hear than to see above averagely. I guess all I'm asking for is to be AVERAGE in EVERYTHING! I'm tired of this above average in certain things, and below, way below average in others. This twisted compensating balancing act cannot be that of someone who calls him the all powerful G-d.

If I lost my faith and never understood why my life was around or all this trouble, then yes you may be thinking; when's this poor kid going to mention suicide. Well here it is, I considered it a grand whopping total of two times. I think both times I considered doing it from a really high height, just so I could feel how cool it would be to fly before I die. I never considered ODing or anything involving blood - too messy and confusing. What stopped me? Not too sure, it only lasted for about a minute or two, and it was always really just knowing about how much my family loved me no matter what that stopped me.

I think I'm going to end on that note and go to sleep, I've vented all I want on this particular subject. Good night.