A Blog Bris so to speak

I'm Jewish obviously, so I'll start by giving this blog a circumcision, rather than a christening. A little Jewish humor to lighten the mood.

So these past few days I've had a weird feeling, an almost nothing feeling, but feeling it nonetheless. It seems to feel like depression at times, but at the same time it's extreme frustration with feeling this way. This is obviously what led me to start writing a blog, it may not be meant for other people to read, but hell, I'll do it anyway. Another reason why I'm writing this for myself is because Dad said I really, truly have a way with words, and I'm graced with mom's use of words, and my dad's flow of words. Sure I chuckled at the time, because he IS dyslexic, but he had a point, he said if I wanted to, I could write the great american novel and live off of that. Not a bad idea, but I was thinking, I only write with such grand flourish when I write something I really feel like writing. The only thing I could sit down and write a book about would have to be my hearing loss, and life with it. So just now I was thinking, everything I do revolves around me being hearing impaired, everything I feel involves my hearing loss in some shape, form, and sinister apparition.

Yes, sinister apparition, things I see and feel sometimes are bits of pure rage, or dips of pure loneliness. And the more I sit and think about it, the more I feel it's my hearing loss that's responsible for it.

I have to interview a few more people to finish my "requirement" or one of them at the very least, for pledge season. The reason why I was the pledge who's the most behind is because I dread the one thing that seems to be the most efficient in these situations; the phone call. Sure when I'm sitting with them, face to face the conversation is fine, this is mostly because I lip read. But on the phone, just when I'm not used to their voice, and I can't read their lips, I'm lost helplessly amidst a sea of words. Where, here there, who, when, what? All too common for me, I only wish it could be different.

This may or may not be directly consequential with the way I've been feeling of late. I was about to head to sleep when I felt like turning off all the lights, and just sitting in the middle of the floor. I found myself stuck in deep concentration, so deep that the comfortability of my sitting position didn't seem to affect me, as much as I wanted to feel the discomfort - I seemed completely oblivious to the sharp tingly feelings in my legs as my blood flow gradually slowed.

Sometimes when I start feeling frustrated, I just envision myself venting my anger out on any physical thing near me, quite a scary thought, at least until I remind myself I could never bring myself to bring my fists to a bloody pulp. I just feel immortal when I get angry, that no matter what, the more angry I get, the stronger I become. And on that note, I always considered the army as a viable place to vent anger if I was ever to grow up an angry person. I've always thought I could be cold, calculating and efficient when it comes to killing. I have no issues with taking a sniper or gun to hand, and just firing a shot into them. It's always why I wanted to join the army, and it's always why I wanted to be a sniper. Would I have been more determined to join if I wasn't hearing impaired? It is a what-if I'll never answer, and as you'll soon see, the first "Would I have been..." of many.

I'd go as far as to describe this feeling as lethargic, and debilitating. It's led me to just want to sulk in my room, and I'd find it easier if I didn't have to talk to people or interact with people and the likes. Sometimes I feel it would all be easier for me if I just roll up into a ball and hide in my recluse - the internet. What a glorious place, a place where I can converse with people the way I've always wanted to. I've always said, out there; that's their domain, but here, here where thoughts are words, and ideas flow through fingertips, I'm the master. It is here I have the ultimate craft, it is here I don't stumble as my words get ahead of my mouth, it is here where my fingers move with a flurry faster than most. It is here where I can answer in my true wit, my true form, my true humor. It is not there, where I get confused and flustered, it is not there, out there where hearing is what controls the tide and ebb of conversation, where I can show people who I truly am. It takes a while for people to really see the true me, it's not that I can't respond, I know all the right responses, all the funny ones, the serious ones, the inspiring ones. But it's just that I can't call up the right response to the right situation, something evident as of late. Numerous times in the few days have I heard, what you answered was nothing to what I asked. This is what's flustering me, I suppose this blog does have some good to it. Pointing out that which lies subtlety beneath the drudgery of everyday life.

I'm sick, my health is fine, but I'm fed up with all this bullshit hearing loss. There's nothing no one can do, don't try to talk slower, or assume the role of someone talking to someone else with a mental retardation. But I'm just personally sick of being hearing impaired. It's been said there's two cultures, deaf and Deaf. The former of which is the physicality of the ailment (people like myself) and the people who identify with the former culture most usually have hearing aids to facilitate them in day to day events, while others may be suited to using ASL to communicate. But for people who associate with the latter culture, the Capital D, communicate solely with sign language and stick to their own crowd of users. They never face the humiliation I go through, because most of their interaction with the mainstream is dealt with through interpreters so both parties are 100% clear on the misunderstandings and misinterpretations each would have. But not me, I find myself in the mainstream, sometimes looking at other people with hearing loss or deafness the same way people look at me. It pains me inside to feel that way, but I've just been too mainstreamed to think differently.

I'm going to leave off on that note, I'm extremely tired, and will start tomorrow talking about how I came up with the feelings of wanting to be by myself while taking a piss. Something to do with being overly social in the past week (not even enough by 'normal' standards)