My dad mentioned that this part might be questionable for some people to read.. given the nature of the internet.
I've always thought I could be cold, calculating and efficient when it comes to killing. I have no issues with taking a sniper or gun to hand, and just firing a shot into them. It's always why I wanted to join the army, and it's always why I wanted to be a sniper
But I feel that it is necessary to keep it in. The reason for this is because I feel that the different positions of the army help to explain each person the best. When it comes down to it, the army has such a simplistic set-up. You have the leader types working as navigators, the people with pure brute strength working on the front lines, the smarter types working on weapons, communications, maps and the likes. War is a simplistic thing, and the way any unit acts speaks a lot on what kind of person they are. Snipers are patient, they work hard for their job. They don't have a job where they just go out to the front lines and do anything, nor do they have a job where pressure's involved as you command multiple people, their lives hanging on the very thread of your wits.
They sit, and they wait. They generally are supposed to have no remorse, no regrets. It's how I identify myself. Not because they were the most fun to play in video games, but because they are tactical, going through extraordinary lengths to hide in the trees, and set the traps. Because when it all boils down to it, everything could be set up perfectly, but it still takes skill to line up the shot. And at the end? Nothing, no feelings, no victory, no regrets. Pack up and get ready for the next job.
How do I know this you ask? What a great question! Of course I have an answer, and no I'm not stalling. When I went on birthright, my guard was a sniper in the IDF, and when we went to the bedouin tents, our second guard that night was a german sniper who was very very reserved. We chatted a bit, all three of us, and I learned. Oh, I learned a lot.
So you see, I'm going to leave it in. Don't worry, I'm not going to the gun store down the street and picking up a sniper for fun. I don't do these things for fun. The only reason why I would EVER join an army, is for the thought of the people who I'd protect. The women and children and fathers in homes, sitting at dinner, or in the family room. I'd hate for anything to happen to them, and consequently, it would be the reason why I'd ever find myself with a gun in hand.
3.4.08
G-D
This next update might be a little controversial, but I want to get this off my mind.
Today in Psych class the teacher asked us to pick two incidents that were defining moments of our childhood then write them down, an exercise in memory. Which by the way, when it came to serial recall, I was one of the last students standing.. and I knew the word was there in the order somewhere, but I didn't have it down. Of all the luck, I could have really shown off since I knew the next two after I was out of the running were right.
Anyways, back on topic. I've always considered this day to be one of the most iconic to my entire life. I remember waking up one morning, in my old room I had as a child, my bed was up against the wall of the closet, so I have no idea how old I was but it was definitely before 4th grade. I remember looking outside the window, and just asking G-d over and over again, "why?" I just kept asking, if you really existed g-d, why would you make me like this? Why am I some fat (I was very chubby as a child) hearing impaired kid? Is this a price to pay for being the smartest in my class (something that DIDN'T happen in high school and most definitely not in college) or my perfect vision (above average really, but who's keeping track?) It was on that day I firmly decided that the g-d as I knew him wasn't an omniscient powerful being.
Now I understand that this view is going to piss a lot of people off, but I'm just saying this right now. You have your views and I have mine. I have utmost respect for those who have undying faith in G-d but there are certain things that I believe, and I don't need your explanation on them, I've come to my conclusions, let me stick with them, and you stick with your beliefs as well as the belief that I'm a moron.
I believe G-d exists, but I do not believe he created the world. I believe in the story of adam and eve, but not as primitively as it is portrayed. I believe in the garden of eden, but not of creationism. I believe in evolution, and I believe in science and logic. But I will not believe in G-d as a powerful being who has control over all. I was raised Jewish, and perhaps, nay, that IS the only reason why I hold onto G-d in a religious sense, but scientifically speaking, it's impossible for me to believe in his power.
Logically speaking, it doesn't make sense that he would curse me with this hearing loss. If anything, this hearing loss has improved my sense to read people, their body language, their facial expression. You could say it makes every day like poker, filled with bluffs on my part. But as much as you card heads out there wish this was true, it's exhausting, and it's something I find no one would want for a long, LONG, period of time.
I find this common, everyone wishes they had some ability someone else had, but they never even realize how much of an inconvenience or how annoying it would be to have this "ability" for years on end.
But yes, I never understood why G-d gave me this hearing loss, and I never will. It has done more against me socially than for. The shyness has not been overcome by my ability to read people and socially bluff. Because I still answer the wrong thing to certain questions. I never saw any good that came out of this hearing loss other than above average vision, which would have been nicer to be able to hear than to see above averagely. I guess all I'm asking for is to be AVERAGE in EVERYTHING! I'm tired of this above average in certain things, and below, way below average in others. This twisted compensating balancing act cannot be that of someone who calls him the all powerful G-d.
If I lost my faith and never understood why my life was around or all this trouble, then yes you may be thinking; when's this poor kid going to mention suicide. Well here it is, I considered it a grand whopping total of two times. I think both times I considered doing it from a really high height, just so I could feel how cool it would be to fly before I die. I never considered ODing or anything involving blood - too messy and confusing. What stopped me? Not too sure, it only lasted for about a minute or two, and it was always really just knowing about how much my family loved me no matter what that stopped me.
I think I'm going to end on that note and go to sleep, I've vented all I want on this particular subject. Good night.
Today in Psych class the teacher asked us to pick two incidents that were defining moments of our childhood then write them down, an exercise in memory. Which by the way, when it came to serial recall, I was one of the last students standing.. and I knew the word was there in the order somewhere, but I didn't have it down. Of all the luck, I could have really shown off since I knew the next two after I was out of the running were right.
Anyways, back on topic. I've always considered this day to be one of the most iconic to my entire life. I remember waking up one morning, in my old room I had as a child, my bed was up against the wall of the closet, so I have no idea how old I was but it was definitely before 4th grade. I remember looking outside the window, and just asking G-d over and over again, "why?" I just kept asking, if you really existed g-d, why would you make me like this? Why am I some fat (I was very chubby as a child) hearing impaired kid? Is this a price to pay for being the smartest in my class (something that DIDN'T happen in high school and most definitely not in college) or my perfect vision (above average really, but who's keeping track?) It was on that day I firmly decided that the g-d as I knew him wasn't an omniscient powerful being.
Now I understand that this view is going to piss a lot of people off, but I'm just saying this right now. You have your views and I have mine. I have utmost respect for those who have undying faith in G-d but there are certain things that I believe, and I don't need your explanation on them, I've come to my conclusions, let me stick with them, and you stick with your beliefs as well as the belief that I'm a moron.
I believe G-d exists, but I do not believe he created the world. I believe in the story of adam and eve, but not as primitively as it is portrayed. I believe in the garden of eden, but not of creationism. I believe in evolution, and I believe in science and logic. But I will not believe in G-d as a powerful being who has control over all. I was raised Jewish, and perhaps, nay, that IS the only reason why I hold onto G-d in a religious sense, but scientifically speaking, it's impossible for me to believe in his power.
Logically speaking, it doesn't make sense that he would curse me with this hearing loss. If anything, this hearing loss has improved my sense to read people, their body language, their facial expression. You could say it makes every day like poker, filled with bluffs on my part. But as much as you card heads out there wish this was true, it's exhausting, and it's something I find no one would want for a long, LONG, period of time.
I find this common, everyone wishes they had some ability someone else had, but they never even realize how much of an inconvenience or how annoying it would be to have this "ability" for years on end.
But yes, I never understood why G-d gave me this hearing loss, and I never will. It has done more against me socially than for. The shyness has not been overcome by my ability to read people and socially bluff. Because I still answer the wrong thing to certain questions. I never saw any good that came out of this hearing loss other than above average vision, which would have been nicer to be able to hear than to see above averagely. I guess all I'm asking for is to be AVERAGE in EVERYTHING! I'm tired of this above average in certain things, and below, way below average in others. This twisted compensating balancing act cannot be that of someone who calls him the all powerful G-d.
If I lost my faith and never understood why my life was around or all this trouble, then yes you may be thinking; when's this poor kid going to mention suicide. Well here it is, I considered it a grand whopping total of two times. I think both times I considered doing it from a really high height, just so I could feel how cool it would be to fly before I die. I never considered ODing or anything involving blood - too messy and confusing. What stopped me? Not too sure, it only lasted for about a minute or two, and it was always really just knowing about how much my family loved me no matter what that stopped me.
I think I'm going to end on that note and go to sleep, I've vented all I want on this particular subject. Good night.
2.4.08
A tie to end all ties.
So recently, I lent a friend of a friend (oh don't get me wrong here, I knew her, but she's more a friend of a friend than a friend) my tie. It was a silver tie, one I recieved for being a groomsman. I love this tie, so to my dismay when I found out I got two stains on it, I was horrified. Luckily, they washed out and weren't noticeable at ALL, so I went on my merry way wearing the tie to functions and sort. It looked really good when paired with a black shirt.
So anyway, she comes in asking my roommate if he has a silver or white tie, and I said I did after Milap said he did not. I told her I had gotten two stains on it before and they're barely noticeable, she said it wouldn't be a problem and it wasn't going to be for that much professional use.
I came back home that weekend to find the tie on the chair and with 4 black stains on it. Needless to say I was pissed off that there were stains on it, and when I told my friends about it, they talked to her and she said that those were there already according to me. What a bitch! I said two unnoticeable stains, and these are CLEARLY noticeable. So anyway I went to sleep earlier as to avoid obsessing and raving about it, and will confront her to go get it cleaned. It's not so much the cleaning that's bothering me, but it's the fact that this is the 2nd time she's done this. And I've only lent things to her twice. If there ever was a situation where a second chance shouldn't have applied, this was it.
But, I got so worked up on it, it seriously leaves me thinking I have OCP, not OCD mind you. OCP is a form of a Personality Disorder where the person affected with it has tendencies of OCD but do not have full blown OCD. Now when I get obsessive about things, it gets really really out of hand, it consumes my every thought. That's why it's impossible for me to get work done sometimes since all I can think about is that one thing that's on mind. But at the same time, I don't get obsessed about everything.
So am I going to be friendly with this girl anymore? Maybe so, perhaps not. I'll say hello once in awhile, but don't expect me to be friendly and invite her into the room or make her feel welcome at all. Probably not the best idea to do, but definitely something I'm going to end up doing for a week or so.
I really wish I wouldn't feel this way every time I got angry, but I just get so worked up and stuck on it, that it bothers the hell out of me.
So anyway, she comes in asking my roommate if he has a silver or white tie, and I said I did after Milap said he did not. I told her I had gotten two stains on it before and they're barely noticeable, she said it wouldn't be a problem and it wasn't going to be for that much professional use.
I came back home that weekend to find the tie on the chair and with 4 black stains on it. Needless to say I was pissed off that there were stains on it, and when I told my friends about it, they talked to her and she said that those were there already according to me. What a bitch! I said two unnoticeable stains, and these are CLEARLY noticeable. So anyway I went to sleep earlier as to avoid obsessing and raving about it, and will confront her to go get it cleaned. It's not so much the cleaning that's bothering me, but it's the fact that this is the 2nd time she's done this. And I've only lent things to her twice. If there ever was a situation where a second chance shouldn't have applied, this was it.
But, I got so worked up on it, it seriously leaves me thinking I have OCP, not OCD mind you. OCP is a form of a Personality Disorder where the person affected with it has tendencies of OCD but do not have full blown OCD. Now when I get obsessive about things, it gets really really out of hand, it consumes my every thought. That's why it's impossible for me to get work done sometimes since all I can think about is that one thing that's on mind. But at the same time, I don't get obsessed about everything.
So am I going to be friendly with this girl anymore? Maybe so, perhaps not. I'll say hello once in awhile, but don't expect me to be friendly and invite her into the room or make her feel welcome at all. Probably not the best idea to do, but definitely something I'm going to end up doing for a week or so.
I really wish I wouldn't feel this way every time I got angry, but I just get so worked up and stuck on it, that it bothers the hell out of me.
Facts
Let's clear the air a little bit.
Here are some facts to my particulars with hearing loss.
- I can't hear high tones, frequencies, whatever you may call them. All the sounds of the world are arranged on a chart. At the very top are the birds who sing with joy, and at the bottom is the rumble of the man, airplanes, trains, the works. Without my hearing aid, I hear only the planes, but with my hearing aids, I hear everything.
That is, hear. I can't fully understand everything. And for those of you that know, each letter has it's own place on the chart, the flow of the alphabet looks much like a sin wave. I can hear the lower ones and pick those up immediately, it's the higher ones that give me problems.
- It is because of this that it's generally easier for me to understand guys faster than girls. And by faster, I'm referring to the specific person, as you will soon see
- I understand each person differently, my mom and dad I can nearly understand without looking up, there are very few miscommunication there. That is because I've heard their voice for awhile, I know what words sound like what, and when they throw a word out they don't normally use, I won't comprehend it right away. So the more I talk to you, the easier it is for me to understand you
- I'm subject change's bitch. Every time you change the subject, I'm thinking of what you could be saying in relation to the subject we were on. When you change it, I'm still on that first track and embarrassing hilarities ensue when I realize you completely changed the topic.
- I don't hear everything you say, but when I do understand it, it's because I put pieces together, I hear what you say and fill in the blanks. On the same note, watch out for my social bluffs, 18 years of practice have left me stuck to old ways, but sly as a rabid fox.
Here are some facts to my particulars with hearing loss.
- I can't hear high tones, frequencies, whatever you may call them. All the sounds of the world are arranged on a chart. At the very top are the birds who sing with joy, and at the bottom is the rumble of the man, airplanes, trains, the works. Without my hearing aid, I hear only the planes, but with my hearing aids, I hear everything.
That is, hear. I can't fully understand everything. And for those of you that know, each letter has it's own place on the chart, the flow of the alphabet looks much like a sin wave. I can hear the lower ones and pick those up immediately, it's the higher ones that give me problems.
- It is because of this that it's generally easier for me to understand guys faster than girls. And by faster, I'm referring to the specific person, as you will soon see
- I understand each person differently, my mom and dad I can nearly understand without looking up, there are very few miscommunication there. That is because I've heard their voice for awhile, I know what words sound like what, and when they throw a word out they don't normally use, I won't comprehend it right away. So the more I talk to you, the easier it is for me to understand you
- I'm subject change's bitch. Every time you change the subject, I'm thinking of what you could be saying in relation to the subject we were on. When you change it, I'm still on that first track and embarrassing hilarities ensue when I realize you completely changed the topic.
- I don't hear everything you say, but when I do understand it, it's because I put pieces together, I hear what you say and fill in the blanks. On the same note, watch out for my social bluffs, 18 years of practice have left me stuck to old ways, but sly as a rabid fox.
A Blog Bris so to speak
I'm Jewish obviously, so I'll start by giving this blog a circumcision, rather than a christening. A little Jewish humor to lighten the mood.
So these past few days I've had a weird feeling, an almost nothing feeling, but feeling it nonetheless. It seems to feel like depression at times, but at the same time it's extreme frustration with feeling this way. This is obviously what led me to start writing a blog, it may not be meant for other people to read, but hell, I'll do it anyway. Another reason why I'm writing this for myself is because Dad said I really, truly have a way with words, and I'm graced with mom's use of words, and my dad's flow of words. Sure I chuckled at the time, because he IS dyslexic, but he had a point, he said if I wanted to, I could write the great american novel and live off of that. Not a bad idea, but I was thinking, I only write with such grand flourish when I write something I really feel like writing. The only thing I could sit down and write a book about would have to be my hearing loss, and life with it. So just now I was thinking, everything I do revolves around me being hearing impaired, everything I feel involves my hearing loss in some shape, form, and sinister apparition.
Yes, sinister apparition, things I see and feel sometimes are bits of pure rage, or dips of pure loneliness. And the more I sit and think about it, the more I feel it's my hearing loss that's responsible for it.
I have to interview a few more people to finish my "requirement" or one of them at the very least, for pledge season. The reason why I was the pledge who's the most behind is because I dread the one thing that seems to be the most efficient in these situations; the phone call. Sure when I'm sitting with them, face to face the conversation is fine, this is mostly because I lip read. But on the phone, just when I'm not used to their voice, and I can't read their lips, I'm lost helplessly amidst a sea of words. Where, here there, who, when, what? All too common for me, I only wish it could be different.
This may or may not be directly consequential with the way I've been feeling of late. I was about to head to sleep when I felt like turning off all the lights, and just sitting in the middle of the floor. I found myself stuck in deep concentration, so deep that the comfortability of my sitting position didn't seem to affect me, as much as I wanted to feel the discomfort - I seemed completely oblivious to the sharp tingly feelings in my legs as my blood flow gradually slowed.
Sometimes when I start feeling frustrated, I just envision myself venting my anger out on any physical thing near me, quite a scary thought, at least until I remind myself I could never bring myself to bring my fists to a bloody pulp. I just feel immortal when I get angry, that no matter what, the more angry I get, the stronger I become. And on that note, I always considered the army as a viable place to vent anger if I was ever to grow up an angry person. I've always thought I could be cold, calculating and efficient when it comes to killing. I have no issues with taking a sniper or gun to hand, and just firing a shot into them. It's always why I wanted to join the army, and it's always why I wanted to be a sniper. Would I have been more determined to join if I wasn't hearing impaired? It is a what-if I'll never answer, and as you'll soon see, the first "Would I have been..." of many.
I'd go as far as to describe this feeling as lethargic, and debilitating. It's led me to just want to sulk in my room, and I'd find it easier if I didn't have to talk to people or interact with people and the likes. Sometimes I feel it would all be easier for me if I just roll up into a ball and hide in my recluse - the internet. What a glorious place, a place where I can converse with people the way I've always wanted to. I've always said, out there; that's their domain, but here, here where thoughts are words, and ideas flow through fingertips, I'm the master. It is here I have the ultimate craft, it is here I don't stumble as my words get ahead of my mouth, it is here where my fingers move with a flurry faster than most. It is here where I can answer in my true wit, my true form, my true humor. It is not there, where I get confused and flustered, it is not there, out there where hearing is what controls the tide and ebb of conversation, where I can show people who I truly am. It takes a while for people to really see the true me, it's not that I can't respond, I know all the right responses, all the funny ones, the serious ones, the inspiring ones. But it's just that I can't call up the right response to the right situation, something evident as of late. Numerous times in the few days have I heard, what you answered was nothing to what I asked. This is what's flustering me, I suppose this blog does have some good to it. Pointing out that which lies subtlety beneath the drudgery of everyday life.
I'm sick, my health is fine, but I'm fed up with all this bullshit hearing loss. There's nothing no one can do, don't try to talk slower, or assume the role of someone talking to someone else with a mental retardation. But I'm just personally sick of being hearing impaired. It's been said there's two cultures, deaf and Deaf. The former of which is the physicality of the ailment (people like myself) and the people who identify with the former culture most usually have hearing aids to facilitate them in day to day events, while others may be suited to using ASL to communicate. But for people who associate with the latter culture, the Capital D, communicate solely with sign language and stick to their own crowd of users. They never face the humiliation I go through, because most of their interaction with the mainstream is dealt with through interpreters so both parties are 100% clear on the misunderstandings and misinterpretations each would have. But not me, I find myself in the mainstream, sometimes looking at other people with hearing loss or deafness the same way people look at me. It pains me inside to feel that way, but I've just been too mainstreamed to think differently.
I'm going to leave off on that note, I'm extremely tired, and will start tomorrow talking about how I came up with the feelings of wanting to be by myself while taking a piss. Something to do with being overly social in the past week (not even enough by 'normal' standards)
So these past few days I've had a weird feeling, an almost nothing feeling, but feeling it nonetheless. It seems to feel like depression at times, but at the same time it's extreme frustration with feeling this way. This is obviously what led me to start writing a blog, it may not be meant for other people to read, but hell, I'll do it anyway. Another reason why I'm writing this for myself is because Dad said I really, truly have a way with words, and I'm graced with mom's use of words, and my dad's flow of words. Sure I chuckled at the time, because he IS dyslexic, but he had a point, he said if I wanted to, I could write the great american novel and live off of that. Not a bad idea, but I was thinking, I only write with such grand flourish when I write something I really feel like writing. The only thing I could sit down and write a book about would have to be my hearing loss, and life with it. So just now I was thinking, everything I do revolves around me being hearing impaired, everything I feel involves my hearing loss in some shape, form, and sinister apparition.
Yes, sinister apparition, things I see and feel sometimes are bits of pure rage, or dips of pure loneliness. And the more I sit and think about it, the more I feel it's my hearing loss that's responsible for it.
I have to interview a few more people to finish my "requirement" or one of them at the very least, for pledge season. The reason why I was the pledge who's the most behind is because I dread the one thing that seems to be the most efficient in these situations; the phone call. Sure when I'm sitting with them, face to face the conversation is fine, this is mostly because I lip read. But on the phone, just when I'm not used to their voice, and I can't read their lips, I'm lost helplessly amidst a sea of words. Where, here there, who, when, what? All too common for me, I only wish it could be different.
This may or may not be directly consequential with the way I've been feeling of late. I was about to head to sleep when I felt like turning off all the lights, and just sitting in the middle of the floor. I found myself stuck in deep concentration, so deep that the comfortability of my sitting position didn't seem to affect me, as much as I wanted to feel the discomfort - I seemed completely oblivious to the sharp tingly feelings in my legs as my blood flow gradually slowed.
Sometimes when I start feeling frustrated, I just envision myself venting my anger out on any physical thing near me, quite a scary thought, at least until I remind myself I could never bring myself to bring my fists to a bloody pulp. I just feel immortal when I get angry, that no matter what, the more angry I get, the stronger I become. And on that note, I always considered the army as a viable place to vent anger if I was ever to grow up an angry person. I've always thought I could be cold, calculating and efficient when it comes to killing. I have no issues with taking a sniper or gun to hand, and just firing a shot into them. It's always why I wanted to join the army, and it's always why I wanted to be a sniper. Would I have been more determined to join if I wasn't hearing impaired? It is a what-if I'll never answer, and as you'll soon see, the first "Would I have been..." of many.
I'd go as far as to describe this feeling as lethargic, and debilitating. It's led me to just want to sulk in my room, and I'd find it easier if I didn't have to talk to people or interact with people and the likes. Sometimes I feel it would all be easier for me if I just roll up into a ball and hide in my recluse - the internet. What a glorious place, a place where I can converse with people the way I've always wanted to. I've always said, out there; that's their domain, but here, here where thoughts are words, and ideas flow through fingertips, I'm the master. It is here I have the ultimate craft, it is here I don't stumble as my words get ahead of my mouth, it is here where my fingers move with a flurry faster than most. It is here where I can answer in my true wit, my true form, my true humor. It is not there, where I get confused and flustered, it is not there, out there where hearing is what controls the tide and ebb of conversation, where I can show people who I truly am. It takes a while for people to really see the true me, it's not that I can't respond, I know all the right responses, all the funny ones, the serious ones, the inspiring ones. But it's just that I can't call up the right response to the right situation, something evident as of late. Numerous times in the few days have I heard, what you answered was nothing to what I asked. This is what's flustering me, I suppose this blog does have some good to it. Pointing out that which lies subtlety beneath the drudgery of everyday life.
I'm sick, my health is fine, but I'm fed up with all this bullshit hearing loss. There's nothing no one can do, don't try to talk slower, or assume the role of someone talking to someone else with a mental retardation. But I'm just personally sick of being hearing impaired. It's been said there's two cultures, deaf and Deaf. The former of which is the physicality of the ailment (people like myself) and the people who identify with the former culture most usually have hearing aids to facilitate them in day to day events, while others may be suited to using ASL to communicate. But for people who associate with the latter culture, the Capital D, communicate solely with sign language and stick to their own crowd of users. They never face the humiliation I go through, because most of their interaction with the mainstream is dealt with through interpreters so both parties are 100% clear on the misunderstandings and misinterpretations each would have. But not me, I find myself in the mainstream, sometimes looking at other people with hearing loss or deafness the same way people look at me. It pains me inside to feel that way, but I've just been too mainstreamed to think differently.
I'm going to leave off on that note, I'm extremely tired, and will start tomorrow talking about how I came up with the feelings of wanting to be by myself while taking a piss. Something to do with being overly social in the past week (not even enough by 'normal' standards)
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