I love my parents, I really do. If I could go back and change anything they did, I'd change nothing.
But the one thing that always nags at me in the back of my head, is would I have been better off as a kid with normal hearing loss? There are obvious things that a parent must do differently with a child who has a profound hearing loss and must use hearing aids. There are certain responsibilities the child must learn earlier on, and there are certain simple joys the child may never get to experience. Singing in the rain being one of them, we can sing, we can walk in the rain, we just can't hear ourself singing in the rain if we wanted to. We learn early on that dry is better, and we shy away from any instance or circumstance that may get us wet, because even the smallest amount of moisture falling on our hearing aids sets back our hearing ten fold, and our bank account even more.
Besides raising a child to be cautious about a very serious piece of equipment, there comes another obvious point, and that's the point of independence. I have yet to hear of a hearing impaired child whose parents did NOT attend to them almost every minute of every day. I have seen parents who, otherwise, would have raised their child differently, but upon discovering their child's hearing loss, they become different parents altogether. They become more attentive, more focused, more educated, and much much more worried. It is this observation that leads me to think, would I have been different without hearing loss?
As a child I was spoiled, yes I admit it, I was a spoiled little boy. My every whim, my every wish was met, could I have milk, could I have cookies, just three? no, more, just a few more minutes (every 10 minutes) and I'll go to sleep. Is it because my parents are very relaxed (yes, because quite honestly, a few more cookies doesn't do much harm, and a few more minutes doesn't really matter) but it's still important to hit home the important life lessons. A few more cookies breeds a bigger snack capacity, that will never stop growing. A few more minutes before bedtime breeds a lifetime of pushing I should go to sleep now back until it's I can't keep my eyes open.
Whether or not I was hearing impaired, I feel that would have turned out to be the same as I was growing up, however, the way I went about those few extra cookies, or the longer bedtime when I was finally on my own hinges on something else far more different than an allowance. And that difference comes from dependency. There is much concern circling a hearing impaired child as he attempts to face a school full of normal hearing children. There is much concern surrounding a child with hearing loss and enabling him to develop near perfect speech earlier on. There is obvious worry involving a child with hearing loss and whether or not he's safe enough to walk to school without getting run over or hearing an obvious attacker. All of these were issues I had to deal with, all of them my parents helped me deal with them. It took me awhile before I even worked up enough confidence in myself, in my simple ability, to order food. I was always worried I was going to mess up an order because I couldn't hear. It wasn't that the waiter or waitress couldn't hear what I was going to order, but always that I couldn't hear the pen scribbling on the pad or something. It was always the fact that I couldn't hear that I worried about talking to the right authorative person about personal needs I had regarding education, it was always my mother that I needed, that I relied on, that I came to understand - anything you need done, mommy can do it, because I can't hear.
I don't wish anything was different, like I said. I'm learning all the things that maybe I wish I learned earlier on, I'm learning now and I'm happy. Would it have made a difference? Maybe, maybe I'd be more disciplined, and I'd be further ahead with what I'm doing now, but at this point it doesn't make a difference. I've started it, and whether I'm only 7 months in or 2 years, doesn't matter, I'm seeing it to the finish.
But if I wasn't hearing impaired, would I have learned earlier on that I could call people without worrying about having to ask them to repeat? Would I have learned that if I needed anything, I could go up to a person of position and inquire as to how they can help me - and to that matter, would I have needed help in school if it wasn't for my hearing loss? The answer to that one is an obvious yes, since everything I did outside of going to school, going to class, and going home was all involved with my hearing loss. I would have developed a stronger sense of independence, and maybe a stronger sense of confidence earlier on. There are still a few things keeping my confidence low, and only half of that is really due to hearing loss even though it is slowly diminishing. The other half I'm certain would still be here regardless. And that is a speed bump, quite literally, that I'll have to get over sometime in the future.
Maybe I'd have learned independence earlier on, and while I wish I had - I have friends who knew how to get themselves to school and back home without any problems, and who were capable of making their own meals if need be. And I see what strong people they are now, but I realize, deep down inside do they still have that soft core, that five year old, that their parents grabbed ahold of all those years back and never let go? No, not entirely. If it wasn't for friends, they'd be completely hardened - now that's a problem. But it's not a problem really, and it's not a sad life. It's a fine life, some would even say their discipline, determination, drive, and ability to live on their own would be much more appealing than my humor, my sense of fun, and my sense of life is life, let it be what it is.
Looking back, I realize there are certain things that came out of it after all that wasn't too bad. When my friends are completely stumped as to what is what at an event, location, place, anything - they always ask me if they should do this, or if it's ok if they do that. I have completely no idea, but I'm the only one willing to go up to the staff or authoratitive person and ask them. Even if my friends don't because they feel it's a stupid question, or if they feel they are wasting the person's time- who gives a flying fuck, it's their goddamn job to help us. I've also had friends take that theory too far, as in, it's ok to throw garbage on the floor, it's the janitor's job to clean it up. I don't think to that extreme, a certain level of respect is a must, since it's crucial to fostering a relationship with the person in charge in the sense that, you respect my business and my work, and I'll get you what you need.
Maybe I would be stronger today than I am now if I wasn't hearing impaired, and I mean that in both the physical and mental way. I fully believe that maybe isn't really a maybe but an actuality. If I wasn't hearing impaired, I would have grown up to become a strong, independent, confident, and determined individual. I wouldn't expect shit to be handed to me, and I would expect to work for everything. I'm slowly learning that the hard way, and trust me, the hard way is harder in college than it is in middle school. Be ready for a shit ton of bricks to hit you hard, so hard the air gets knocked clear out of your lungs (don't worry, your hemoglobin is saturated with enough oxygen to keep you alive while you get your wind back). But also don't panic and realize this simple fact (because it applies to you too - and by you I mean primarily the kids like me, but to everyone else who feels that college is demanding a change in lifestyle and it's goddamn hard) - whether or not i'm a strong and confident individual now or a few years down the line. When I'm dead, I'm the same either way. And to put it more in depth, when I'm about to die, I'll be what I am, whether or not I changed in middle school, college, or halfway through college.
Enjoy life, grow some balls, and stop worrying so much about other people - life is limited, you don't want to live yours wishing you had worked up the courage to stand up for yourself and do things your way instead of waiting for someone to say it's ok for you to do it.
And yes, I know, trust me, I KNOW, that it's hard, and that you can't help it. Neither can I; but you have my word, as soon as I figure out how to overcome it, you'll be the first to know.
7.2.09
25.1.09
Who? Why? For? 4?!
So I got to thinking, this was a blog yes, as you can see, it says blogger at the top. You probably typed a link or clicked on a link with the word blogspot.com in it, so it most obviously is a blog. Tee hee, don't you admire dry humor?
But why is this blog here? Is it a means for me to channel my feelings in hope that the "drudgery of everyday life will lift like the fog in the mist"? Or is it a springboard for a future book perhaps? Or is it, as I've always said, a perspective on a life for someone who's on the outside and wants to look in, or a perspective from someone on the inside who wants to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings of frustrations, loopholes, and dead ends? If so, everything is so particular, hence the title "Who? Why? For?"
There's a number of people this book could be for, and there are a number of topics I wanted to write down to remember to expand on in the future, but I forgot that list of topics... It came to me one night just as I was falling asleep, and it was a great list.
But if we were to look at who could potentially gain from this book:
A Professor teaching a class on disabilities, perhaps someone who wants to engage in fun reading instead of dry boring slow reading.
Family members of the author, and with books being scanned and put online nowadays, they may have to pay for their own copy instead of getting it free, but don't worry, I'll sign it - no problemo.
Children who are considered Deaf, but this book doesn't really offer them any perspective on life, I have severe-to profound hearing loss in my right ear, and profound in my left. I'm not entirely deaf without my hearing aids, but I'm deaf enough. However children who are Deaf have an extremely helpful community (hence the capital D in Deaf) full of support and love, and I'd encourage anyone of them to get involved if they haven't already.
Children with hearing loss or impairment - but then this is such a vague topic, perhaps this book will be helpful for that teen who may have just gotten hearing loss in his later teens, and he's going through a tough time dealing with new emotions and frustrations, this book could definitely give him perspective on how his life will be and how he can adapt. But what about the child born with it? Just like me, he might already know how the story plays out, but maybe he'll learn the transition from middle to high school, to college, and so on with all the wonderful tasty little delights in between. Maybe he'll have a life, or a shed a tear, he'll say haha, I'm lucky that it's not like this, or maybe he'll say I wish my friends would be like that. Maybe it'd be a good book for him to read, or maybe it may be a sad book.
This is all unknown territory for me, and it's very scary. But if I had to promise one thing, it's this much - I'll try to experience everything I can, so the sooner I can write it, the sooner I can publish this book, and the shorter it'll be.
Would you read a book on someone who catalogs his first 22 years of life, or his first 100 years of life? There's a big difference in the fatness of that book.
Oh and incase you were wondering, other than students, I don't think many non-hearing impaired kids will buy this book... They might just take it off the internet. If you are reading this book and you are reading this passage, don't feel like you wasted your money, I promise to make the cover so goddamn awesome it'll include a coaster for when you put it on your coffee table.
But why is this blog here? Is it a means for me to channel my feelings in hope that the "drudgery of everyday life will lift like the fog in the mist"? Or is it a springboard for a future book perhaps? Or is it, as I've always said, a perspective on a life for someone who's on the outside and wants to look in, or a perspective from someone on the inside who wants to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings of frustrations, loopholes, and dead ends? If so, everything is so particular, hence the title "Who? Why? For?"
There's a number of people this book could be for, and there are a number of topics I wanted to write down to remember to expand on in the future, but I forgot that list of topics... It came to me one night just as I was falling asleep, and it was a great list.
But if we were to look at who could potentially gain from this book:
A Professor teaching a class on disabilities, perhaps someone who wants to engage in fun reading instead of dry boring slow reading.
Family members of the author, and with books being scanned and put online nowadays, they may have to pay for their own copy instead of getting it free, but don't worry, I'll sign it - no problemo.
Children who are considered Deaf, but this book doesn't really offer them any perspective on life, I have severe-to profound hearing loss in my right ear, and profound in my left. I'm not entirely deaf without my hearing aids, but I'm deaf enough. However children who are Deaf have an extremely helpful community (hence the capital D in Deaf) full of support and love, and I'd encourage anyone of them to get involved if they haven't already.
Children with hearing loss or impairment - but then this is such a vague topic, perhaps this book will be helpful for that teen who may have just gotten hearing loss in his later teens, and he's going through a tough time dealing with new emotions and frustrations, this book could definitely give him perspective on how his life will be and how he can adapt. But what about the child born with it? Just like me, he might already know how the story plays out, but maybe he'll learn the transition from middle to high school, to college, and so on with all the wonderful tasty little delights in between. Maybe he'll have a life, or a shed a tear, he'll say haha, I'm lucky that it's not like this, or maybe he'll say I wish my friends would be like that. Maybe it'd be a good book for him to read, or maybe it may be a sad book.
This is all unknown territory for me, and it's very scary. But if I had to promise one thing, it's this much - I'll try to experience everything I can, so the sooner I can write it, the sooner I can publish this book, and the shorter it'll be.
Would you read a book on someone who catalogs his first 22 years of life, or his first 100 years of life? There's a big difference in the fatness of that book.
Oh and incase you were wondering, other than students, I don't think many non-hearing impaired kids will buy this book... They might just take it off the internet. If you are reading this book and you are reading this passage, don't feel like you wasted your money, I promise to make the cover so goddamn awesome it'll include a coaster for when you put it on your coffee table.
22.1.09
Age
So I was interested in seeing if the livingwithhearingloss.blogspot.com was really taken and it was, and he bought up a couple of interesting points. Even though he only wrote three short things, and he wasn't born with it, and his posts were boring, it was a decent blog. (Not to toot my own horn, but, hey you know, my fingers do magical things)
He mentioned that there was something like 30 million people with hearing loss (ok, it's just a number, that number means jack shit to us, it doesn't put things in perspective, we are visual animals, unless we see, feel, or taste something, words do nothing for us) But he mentioned the number was getting higher because of baby boomers hitting their 60s.
I have nothing against people of age with hearing loss, at all. But what frustrates me is people of age with a hearing loss who complain they have it hard. I mean, it hits them like a sack of wet bricks - being hearing impaired sucks - bottom line. Why the bricks were wet, I don't know, but it sounded much more brutal, eh? Anyways, yes, being hearing impaired does suck, but don't go so far as to say, hey we have it hard, give us benefits or bonuses. You think you have it hard? At an age where you are stereotypically NOT supposed to hear well, people kind of expect the whole "senile" way of life you're about to embark on. And pardon my use of the word senile, it's so very stereotypical but it's the best fit. You try dealing with what you have towards the end of your life, after all is said and done, for the entirety of your life. Yeah, I'm glad you gain the perspective, and I feel for you, I really do, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, ever. But don't tell me you have it hard, instead, how about instead of channeling your energy into how life is difficult as you age, channel it into making life better and more understood for the young kids.
I am 19 now, I am by no means an old fart (although I feel it, a 5 year old in a 19 year olds body - oh and ladies, don't worry, I have the sex drive of a 19 year old) but I've been dealing with it for 17 years. That magic formula, I recieved my hearing aids at 2, so take however many years I am old and subtract 2. That's the amount of time I've spent with hearing aids. But, hey, it's a number, and lest I be a hypocrite, that number means jack shit to you. Ok, how bout this, take some cotton balls, put enough into your left ear that you can barely hear anything, you know there's a sound, but you don't know what it's saying or where it's coming from. In your right ear, put enough so everything sounds kinda muffled, like when you get to the point where if you know the subject matter, you kinda can tell what they are saying, but if they say random things, you have no idea what they are saying. Once you're there, imagine that - for 17 years. Yeah, good luck with that experiment, and please don't attempt it, by the time those 17 years are up, i'll have a whole nother 17 years on you, and you'll have to outlive me by 17 years to finish it. And I plan on living a long time. But those are just words, that long doesn't mean anything to you does it? Well I'll put it this way, the way technology is going, we have two paths. Soon everyone will be hearing impaired from the extremely loud noises we generate, or everyone will have crystalline hearing because all the sounds of entertainment will be channeled directly to your auditory inputs without causing the physical damage on your ossicles or ear drum. (Hey neurologists, don't you dare touch that, I want that experiment to myself in 9 or so years from now - and for those of you who hear of it down the line, don't forget who thought it first).
Yeah I'll cut this short, short by relative means, but still long by general means. And short like, well, shorts short enough that you can see that old man's balls dangling out the side. Yeah, that short.
He mentioned that there was something like 30 million people with hearing loss (ok, it's just a number, that number means jack shit to us, it doesn't put things in perspective, we are visual animals, unless we see, feel, or taste something, words do nothing for us) But he mentioned the number was getting higher because of baby boomers hitting their 60s.
I have nothing against people of age with hearing loss, at all. But what frustrates me is people of age with a hearing loss who complain they have it hard. I mean, it hits them like a sack of wet bricks - being hearing impaired sucks - bottom line. Why the bricks were wet, I don't know, but it sounded much more brutal, eh? Anyways, yes, being hearing impaired does suck, but don't go so far as to say, hey we have it hard, give us benefits or bonuses. You think you have it hard? At an age where you are stereotypically NOT supposed to hear well, people kind of expect the whole "senile" way of life you're about to embark on. And pardon my use of the word senile, it's so very stereotypical but it's the best fit. You try dealing with what you have towards the end of your life, after all is said and done, for the entirety of your life. Yeah, I'm glad you gain the perspective, and I feel for you, I really do, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, ever. But don't tell me you have it hard, instead, how about instead of channeling your energy into how life is difficult as you age, channel it into making life better and more understood for the young kids.
I am 19 now, I am by no means an old fart (although I feel it, a 5 year old in a 19 year olds body - oh and ladies, don't worry, I have the sex drive of a 19 year old) but I've been dealing with it for 17 years. That magic formula, I recieved my hearing aids at 2, so take however many years I am old and subtract 2. That's the amount of time I've spent with hearing aids. But, hey, it's a number, and lest I be a hypocrite, that number means jack shit to you. Ok, how bout this, take some cotton balls, put enough into your left ear that you can barely hear anything, you know there's a sound, but you don't know what it's saying or where it's coming from. In your right ear, put enough so everything sounds kinda muffled, like when you get to the point where if you know the subject matter, you kinda can tell what they are saying, but if they say random things, you have no idea what they are saying. Once you're there, imagine that - for 17 years. Yeah, good luck with that experiment, and please don't attempt it, by the time those 17 years are up, i'll have a whole nother 17 years on you, and you'll have to outlive me by 17 years to finish it. And I plan on living a long time. But those are just words, that long doesn't mean anything to you does it? Well I'll put it this way, the way technology is going, we have two paths. Soon everyone will be hearing impaired from the extremely loud noises we generate, or everyone will have crystalline hearing because all the sounds of entertainment will be channeled directly to your auditory inputs without causing the physical damage on your ossicles or ear drum. (Hey neurologists, don't you dare touch that, I want that experiment to myself in 9 or so years from now - and for those of you who hear of it down the line, don't forget who thought it first).
Yeah I'll cut this short, short by relative means, but still long by general means. And short like, well, shorts short enough that you can see that old man's balls dangling out the side. Yeah, that short.
5.12.08
roommate
roommate is pretty cool, not gonna lie, he tried staying up with me as I finished my paper while he worked on a paper about defining What is god. Apparently the movie he was watching got too complicated to follow when tired. Odd I know, but he's doing well despite his tendency to want to turn conversations to something about himself or how he's better than us.
These things are great springboards to getting your fingers moving when they don't want to.
These things are great springboards to getting your fingers moving when they don't want to.
Anger
This word that means so much to me. Sometimes I feel as if it's all I know, sometimes I feel that I've got control, but it's never never the case. I don't know if I have control, I don't know if I'm slowly becoming more open and more passionate. Just when I think I'm all calmed down, something comes a long and whips up a storm.
My dad said the anger is still there, I thought I had in someway, relinquished it little by little, but I suppose it still is there. Do I embrace it and accept it as part of me, or do I try to turn it away and completely destroy it? The bigger question here is, do I let my anger define me, or do I define my anger? If it is the first, then we have a real problem on our hands, but if it's the latter, then there's something I can do, maybe. There's that slight possibility that I can live without this anger, and just thinking about it, makes it that much more of a reality. Looking back I realize a couple of things, there's no point in being angry, it accomplishes nothing, and it feels crappy. It's as if someone came with giant sized hands and wringed every part of your body until you feel drained and stressed and torn beyond repair. It sucks, and the only way to relieve the pain is to stop being angry.
So yeah I got upset again today, big deal, it wasn't as strong as usual and no where near as long. Maybe it's getting better, I don't know... But when you're starting to get in shape and trying your hardest, who are you to be if you DON'T get angry at someone calling you fat just because you feel like having ice cream and a brownie once, in like, months of no desserts. You know, whatever, I don't need these people's opinions, and I don't need their criticism. I can be my own man, I can be the person that makes me happy.
Yes, I can say that I'm happy with being me. And being me makes me happy. Can I confidently say I don't care jack shit what other people think of me? No, and that's damn near impossible. You'd think growing up with a huge machine on your ear you'd learn to not care what other people think.
Hah, I say, and I'll say it again. Hah. Hah. There, twice for emphasis. Sure I don't care what people care about what I wear, no really I don't. I can go to class with a stain on my shirt and not care at all. Just as long as it's not a huge purple stain on a white shirt, but if it's a small stain, smaller than a penny and obscure, who cares. I know people who are anal and do care, they get upset if even a hair is out of place, and they pluck, yes, PLUCK, it out just so their hair remains kempt. But you know, when you become mainstreamed with a disability, that's just it. You are being MAINSTREAMED; like you know, MAIN, as in like, AVERAGE, or NORMAL. I understand the I is not an E and it reads MAIN not MEAN, don't get technical on me, you know what I mean. It is normal society, you can't deny that. See, if I was hearing impaired and grew up in the deaf community, I wouldn't be mainstreamed would I? But then does that make me not normal? Let's put a note there, WRITE ABOUT THIS LATER. Yeah that's right, I'm circumventing a tangent off of a tangent (remember, we were talking about anger? Fat chance of that happening now).
So, back to the point, guess what, if you have no disability and you hang out with mainstream society, is there a term for that? Yeah it's called life. For me it's known as "mainstreaming" the act of being one of them. It's simplistic, but it works as a definition for now. So I have to make a continual effort to fit in, to blend, to be one of you guys, and this is all because of my hearing loss. It makes me different, it doesn't make me worse or better or wiser, just... different. So there you have it, a different kid trying harder than everyone else to be like everyone else. And you're going to look me square in the eye and tell me a child with a hearing aid should have grown up not caring what people though of him? Let me ask you, how many self-concious hearing impaired people do you see with bed hair? You'd think if they're self-concious they'd at least comb? Wrong, like I just said, we don't care what you think of our physical appearance, some of us don't go to the gym to make you happy, we do it because it's rewarding, just like every other serious gym rat out there. But we do care what people think of us, specifically, do they think we are normal and just like them or are they thinking horrible things like why is this retarded person talking to me? Heh, I've kinda thrown that second part of the question away, and this is in large part due to my speech therapy. You have no idea how many times people meet me and think nothing of it, but when they meet someone else hearing impaired (with less years of speech therapy under their belt) they feel it imperative to come to me and tell me immediately, "My god! You speak so well for a hearing impaired person!" Gee thanks, nice to know I can overcome my shortcomings. That's like going up to someone and saying, "My god! That enhancement pill has made your erect penis a satisfactory size!" But all in all it's nice to have a reminder that yes I can hear myself, and by god, do I sound sexy or what?
So yeah I'm going to publish this post and get back to my paper, needed to get my creative juices flowing a bit.
oh and PS, as a scientist, I don't recommend Viagra or Extenze. It won't 'extend' as well as you want it to. But if you really feel the need to have a hard-on go for them. (Really though man, I mean c'mon, they are no where near as useful as speech therapy)
My dad said the anger is still there, I thought I had in someway, relinquished it little by little, but I suppose it still is there. Do I embrace it and accept it as part of me, or do I try to turn it away and completely destroy it? The bigger question here is, do I let my anger define me, or do I define my anger? If it is the first, then we have a real problem on our hands, but if it's the latter, then there's something I can do, maybe. There's that slight possibility that I can live without this anger, and just thinking about it, makes it that much more of a reality. Looking back I realize a couple of things, there's no point in being angry, it accomplishes nothing, and it feels crappy. It's as if someone came with giant sized hands and wringed every part of your body until you feel drained and stressed and torn beyond repair. It sucks, and the only way to relieve the pain is to stop being angry.
So yeah I got upset again today, big deal, it wasn't as strong as usual and no where near as long. Maybe it's getting better, I don't know... But when you're starting to get in shape and trying your hardest, who are you to be if you DON'T get angry at someone calling you fat just because you feel like having ice cream and a brownie once, in like, months of no desserts. You know, whatever, I don't need these people's opinions, and I don't need their criticism. I can be my own man, I can be the person that makes me happy.
Yes, I can say that I'm happy with being me. And being me makes me happy. Can I confidently say I don't care jack shit what other people think of me? No, and that's damn near impossible. You'd think growing up with a huge machine on your ear you'd learn to not care what other people think.
Hah, I say, and I'll say it again. Hah. Hah. There, twice for emphasis. Sure I don't care what people care about what I wear, no really I don't. I can go to class with a stain on my shirt and not care at all. Just as long as it's not a huge purple stain on a white shirt, but if it's a small stain, smaller than a penny and obscure, who cares. I know people who are anal and do care, they get upset if even a hair is out of place, and they pluck, yes, PLUCK, it out just so their hair remains kempt. But you know, when you become mainstreamed with a disability, that's just it. You are being MAINSTREAMED; like you know, MAIN, as in like, AVERAGE, or NORMAL. I understand the I is not an E and it reads MAIN not MEAN, don't get technical on me, you know what I mean. It is normal society, you can't deny that. See, if I was hearing impaired and grew up in the deaf community, I wouldn't be mainstreamed would I? But then does that make me not normal? Let's put a note there, WRITE ABOUT THIS LATER. Yeah that's right, I'm circumventing a tangent off of a tangent (remember, we were talking about anger? Fat chance of that happening now).
So, back to the point, guess what, if you have no disability and you hang out with mainstream society, is there a term for that? Yeah it's called life. For me it's known as "mainstreaming" the act of being one of them. It's simplistic, but it works as a definition for now. So I have to make a continual effort to fit in, to blend, to be one of you guys, and this is all because of my hearing loss. It makes me different, it doesn't make me worse or better or wiser, just... different. So there you have it, a different kid trying harder than everyone else to be like everyone else. And you're going to look me square in the eye and tell me a child with a hearing aid should have grown up not caring what people though of him? Let me ask you, how many self-concious hearing impaired people do you see with bed hair? You'd think if they're self-concious they'd at least comb? Wrong, like I just said, we don't care what you think of our physical appearance, some of us don't go to the gym to make you happy, we do it because it's rewarding, just like every other serious gym rat out there. But we do care what people think of us, specifically, do they think we are normal and just like them or are they thinking horrible things like why is this retarded person talking to me? Heh, I've kinda thrown that second part of the question away, and this is in large part due to my speech therapy. You have no idea how many times people meet me and think nothing of it, but when they meet someone else hearing impaired (with less years of speech therapy under their belt) they feel it imperative to come to me and tell me immediately, "My god! You speak so well for a hearing impaired person!" Gee thanks, nice to know I can overcome my shortcomings. That's like going up to someone and saying, "My god! That enhancement pill has made your erect penis a satisfactory size!" But all in all it's nice to have a reminder that yes I can hear myself, and by god, do I sound sexy or what?
So yeah I'm going to publish this post and get back to my paper, needed to get my creative juices flowing a bit.
oh and PS, as a scientist, I don't recommend Viagra or Extenze. It won't 'extend' as well as you want it to. But if you really feel the need to have a hard-on go for them. (Really though man, I mean c'mon, they are no where near as useful as speech therapy)
25.10.08
It be red, red as dead can be
Today's date is October 25th, 2008. For all of you who follow video games, you know that 13 days from today, Gears of War 2 is coming out - November 7th. It's going to be amazing, and it's one of the few things I've been excited for in awhile. So normally I start planning for the really exciting things, and so I planned to play some Army of Two this weekend since I had met some people online who wanted to play as well, then I figured I'd play some Rockband and Geometry Wars in the next week. After that, I'd play Gears until GoW2 launched, and I had a whole weekend planned. One of my best friends who's also enthusiastic about Gears 2 would spend a couple of nights here, as he switches places with my roommate so we can play Gears 2 into the wee hours of the morning without disturbing my roommate. But lo and behold, today I get the Red Ring of Death. It takes 15 days to 3 months to replace an x-box, and both time amounts as you can see are just not going to cut it. I'm probably going to have to wait 3 more weeks, and my whole schedule is thrown out of whack. I'm not pissed about just today, or November 7th, I'm pissed about two whole weeks planning gone, about a fun as hell weekend that would have been amazing gone, a great week of being on a video game high while classes slowed down right before finals, all of this, all of it, gone.
It's been awhile since I wrote this little ditty while I meant to expand on it. I've often wondered why I have such a fixation on certain games, or video games in general. Was it because of my hearing loss that I was led to play video games since it didn't require auditory skill? Or was it because I wasn't athletically inclined (I'm really not)? This is one of those what-ifs I feel wouldn't play any differently if I wasn't hearing impaired. Now I have some good news regarding that little ditty up there, a test the monday after the weekend has been moved to thursday, which means instead of spending all of sunday studying, I can study tuesday and wednesday. But now you're saying, as if it matters, you don't have an x-box. Well I do, a friend of mine who planned to play extensively with me is bringing his 360 from home despite his little brother's wishes. He's a great guy my friend, and couldn't bear to force his little bro the displeasure of not having an 360 to play on; which I completely understand. But I'm glad he decided to give it up for the weekend all the way through to thanksgiving (thank god neither me nor my friend are going home before then in which case we'd have to return it before thanksgiving). Things had a way of working out, until...
The dreaded roommate beared his fangs. In september, nay in August we warned him how enthusiastic we were about Gears 2 and how we were going to play it. We suggested he go home or sleep in my friend's room. He joked around and said he would, and now, mere weeks before the release, he's saying he wants to sleep in his room, and he doesn't want us to play past 12. He doesn't want us to play on sunday from 8-12 so he can watch the Giants game, and he didn't want me to play on Monday so he could watch Heroes. He then said he expects me to let him play Brawl. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, completely out of left field. My TV, MY FUCKING 360, and he's telling me what to do. I say screw him, I'm playing anyway, and if he shuts off my 360 I'm shutting off the tv. Let me be the prick, let me be the asshole, I don't care. I've waited 6 months for this, and be darned if I'm going to let someone boss me around on MY WEEKEND.
Sorry, pardon the french.
December, 5th 2008, 1:08 AM
I am ammending this. The 'dreaded' roommate was not as bad as I made him out to be. Did he say those things? Yes, but did he do them? No. He was quite graceful about the whole thing, requesting we stop at 11 pm on sunday so he could get some sleep for an interview, which we honored. We had a great weekend, and despite a few hicks and bumps, (yes hicks, they make nasty roadblocks and slow down traffic too much) it went swimmingly (yes swimmingly, as in sperm swimmingly, swishing that tail back and forth with nary but a care in the world).
So fellow fans, fear not! This brave lad did not have to hurt himself venturing in weird places to unplug and replug TVs! All is well!
It's been awhile since I wrote this little ditty while I meant to expand on it. I've often wondered why I have such a fixation on certain games, or video games in general. Was it because of my hearing loss that I was led to play video games since it didn't require auditory skill? Or was it because I wasn't athletically inclined (I'm really not)? This is one of those what-ifs I feel wouldn't play any differently if I wasn't hearing impaired. Now I have some good news regarding that little ditty up there, a test the monday after the weekend has been moved to thursday, which means instead of spending all of sunday studying, I can study tuesday and wednesday. But now you're saying, as if it matters, you don't have an x-box. Well I do, a friend of mine who planned to play extensively with me is bringing his 360 from home despite his little brother's wishes. He's a great guy my friend, and couldn't bear to force his little bro the displeasure of not having an 360 to play on; which I completely understand. But I'm glad he decided to give it up for the weekend all the way through to thanksgiving (thank god neither me nor my friend are going home before then in which case we'd have to return it before thanksgiving). Things had a way of working out, until...
The dreaded roommate beared his fangs. In september, nay in August we warned him how enthusiastic we were about Gears 2 and how we were going to play it. We suggested he go home or sleep in my friend's room. He joked around and said he would, and now, mere weeks before the release, he's saying he wants to sleep in his room, and he doesn't want us to play past 12. He doesn't want us to play on sunday from 8-12 so he can watch the Giants game, and he didn't want me to play on Monday so he could watch Heroes. He then said he expects me to let him play Brawl. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, completely out of left field. My TV, MY FUCKING 360, and he's telling me what to do. I say screw him, I'm playing anyway, and if he shuts off my 360 I'm shutting off the tv. Let me be the prick, let me be the asshole, I don't care. I've waited 6 months for this, and be darned if I'm going to let someone boss me around on MY WEEKEND.
Sorry, pardon the french.
December, 5th 2008, 1:08 AM
I am ammending this. The 'dreaded' roommate was not as bad as I made him out to be. Did he say those things? Yes, but did he do them? No. He was quite graceful about the whole thing, requesting we stop at 11 pm on sunday so he could get some sleep for an interview, which we honored. We had a great weekend, and despite a few hicks and bumps, (yes hicks, they make nasty roadblocks and slow down traffic too much) it went swimmingly (yes swimmingly, as in sperm swimmingly, swishing that tail back and forth with nary but a care in the world).
So fellow fans, fear not! This brave lad did not have to hurt himself venturing in weird places to unplug and replug TVs! All is well!
The Thinking Bowl
Why is it that whenever we head to bathroom we get most of our work done in there? It seems to be the only place void of distractions, the bland generic tiling and whitewash walls leave little room for the mind to wander. If you aren't armed with a book, you aren't going to be thinking about much in there other than your own thoughts. A couple blogs back I mentioned I was going to describe how I was feeling and how I figured it out while taking a piss. A bit delayed, but here goes.
It was a while back, I'll admit that, but I've found truth in it, I've found some lies in it, and I've furthered it even more.
I'm still sick of this bullshit hearing loss, just thinking about it frustrates me, but there's not much you can do about it anymore. It's here, I've gotta put up with, and I've just gotta push through it. But I'm getting tired of people who don't accept me for what it is and even people who do. You know all these people who become friends with people with disabilities, and then when someone says, "oh, you know I get angry easily because I'm hearing impaired" and they just shrug that off as an excuse, It's not an excuse, it's a legitimate reason as to why our behaviors are the way they are. People with disabilites are not normal people with less hearing, they are normal people with less hearing and the psychological 'affections' associated with a disability. Why is this concept so hard for people to understand?
I meet all walks of people in life.
When I run for a leadership position, I meet the kind of person who says, you know, you are hearing impaired, do you think this will affect your job as a leader. It doesn't and it won't by the way, a one - on - one meeting with the boss is still considered the most effective way to garner information in the work force. Not only are people hesitant to say certain things with other people present, they are also hesitant to seem sycophantic, but a one - on - one I feel is probably the only honest ground we have left in business.
I also meet the person who doesn't understand why I get so worked up about something sometimes, and why I get so angry. Is that 100% because of my hearing loss? No, but maybe it's just the way I am. I happen to be a person, a regular person with a disability, who has this tendency to get extremely angry, extremely fast. But then they go and say don't give me this 'bullshit' (pardon my french here), about you getting angry easily and getting worked up. I don't want to hear excuses. They mean well, they really do. They feel it's necessary to make people with disabilites feel like everyone else. But that's just the problem, we are not like everyone else... We have problems, we have issues, we have needs just like everyone else. I need to change my batteries every once in a while, I need to sit to the left of people to hear them since my right ear is my only somewhat decent ear, I have two specific corners of a table that I feel comfortable sitting at, and both corners involve my left facing no one, and no table.
This blog is bookmarked on my toolbar, and I see the name of it every day - "Living with Hearing Loss." It just serves as a reminder that yes, I am living with Hearing loss, and yes I am dealing with it, but I am getting sick of it. So enough of this tangent (and boy, when I tangent, do I tangent or what?) So here's what I was thinking when I was taking a piss.
I have really active moments (active meaning social) and really inactive moments. During my inactive moments I feel rundown, tired, lethargic, tired of it all and everyone. I guess you could say I'm going through that right now. It might be 100% hearing loss it might not be. The reason why I attribute hearing loss to this 'phenom' is simple - early on I realized I spent more energy than the average person trying to hear what was being said, or focusing on the words and the actual speech. Do I feel my body is working harder to gather sounds? Yes. I know my problem are inactive nerves, but I'm not 100% sure on the specifics. I have yet to ask my parents, and I think maybe I will. Perhaps there is damage in my Inferior Colliculi - I do not have the instinct reaction to turn my eyes towards sound, but when someone I'm aware of starts talking to me, I do glance at them, so that rules out damage there. I most likely have a problem with my Vestibulocochlear nerve. It is a cranial nerve that deals purely with input from the senses to the brain. It also deals with balance, which I'd say I have a fairly average sense of. It makes sense, my balance isn't impaired, and my hearing isn't full lost. The nerves have to be partially damaged or numbed - so to speak.
I have a devilish habit of going off into tangents... I only wanted to explore the nerve theory because I know surrounding nerves pick up the duties of their fallen to compensate. And nerves use a lot, and I mean a lot, of energy to operate. So that was my reasoning for being tired; is it true? Of course not. Once I have a Ph.D I better hope I can diagnose myself a little bit better. But it is true that prolonged periods of social activity make me much more tired than usual. And these dips and valleys are not a fun time for me. I become highly insocial, people all of the sudden start complaining about my inactivity. I mean jeez, let me rest! Although there is an adaptive period, to be fair. I obviously talk with my parents regularly, yet they never tire me (unless of course, you know, nag nag nag). However with friends I have to get wicked used to their voices to be able to understand them without concentration. I find myself with people I know fairly well (as in 5 people total) I can just kind of release a little bit, and just let the words wash over me while I can pick up the easy words (the, and, etc) and piece the rest together. It works for the most part, and it's fun sometimes when I completely realize I've been carrying a conversation without thinking about it for the most part.
I don't know where I was going with this, but this is something I came up with while taking a piss. I love toilets, they open your minds and flush close-mindedness down the drain.
It was a while back, I'll admit that, but I've found truth in it, I've found some lies in it, and I've furthered it even more.
I'm still sick of this bullshit hearing loss, just thinking about it frustrates me, but there's not much you can do about it anymore. It's here, I've gotta put up with, and I've just gotta push through it. But I'm getting tired of people who don't accept me for what it is and even people who do. You know all these people who become friends with people with disabilities, and then when someone says, "oh, you know I get angry easily because I'm hearing impaired" and they just shrug that off as an excuse, It's not an excuse, it's a legitimate reason as to why our behaviors are the way they are. People with disabilites are not normal people with less hearing, they are normal people with less hearing and the psychological 'affections' associated with a disability. Why is this concept so hard for people to understand?
I meet all walks of people in life.
When I run for a leadership position, I meet the kind of person who says, you know, you are hearing impaired, do you think this will affect your job as a leader. It doesn't and it won't by the way, a one - on - one meeting with the boss is still considered the most effective way to garner information in the work force. Not only are people hesitant to say certain things with other people present, they are also hesitant to seem sycophantic, but a one - on - one I feel is probably the only honest ground we have left in business.
I also meet the person who doesn't understand why I get so worked up about something sometimes, and why I get so angry. Is that 100% because of my hearing loss? No, but maybe it's just the way I am. I happen to be a person, a regular person with a disability, who has this tendency to get extremely angry, extremely fast. But then they go and say don't give me this 'bullshit' (pardon my french here), about you getting angry easily and getting worked up. I don't want to hear excuses. They mean well, they really do. They feel it's necessary to make people with disabilites feel like everyone else. But that's just the problem, we are not like everyone else... We have problems, we have issues, we have needs just like everyone else. I need to change my batteries every once in a while, I need to sit to the left of people to hear them since my right ear is my only somewhat decent ear, I have two specific corners of a table that I feel comfortable sitting at, and both corners involve my left facing no one, and no table.
This blog is bookmarked on my toolbar, and I see the name of it every day - "Living with Hearing Loss." It just serves as a reminder that yes, I am living with Hearing loss, and yes I am dealing with it, but I am getting sick of it. So enough of this tangent (and boy, when I tangent, do I tangent or what?) So here's what I was thinking when I was taking a piss.
I have really active moments (active meaning social) and really inactive moments. During my inactive moments I feel rundown, tired, lethargic, tired of it all and everyone. I guess you could say I'm going through that right now. It might be 100% hearing loss it might not be. The reason why I attribute hearing loss to this 'phenom' is simple - early on I realized I spent more energy than the average person trying to hear what was being said, or focusing on the words and the actual speech. Do I feel my body is working harder to gather sounds? Yes. I know my problem are inactive nerves, but I'm not 100% sure on the specifics. I have yet to ask my parents, and I think maybe I will. Perhaps there is damage in my Inferior Colliculi - I do not have the instinct reaction to turn my eyes towards sound, but when someone I'm aware of starts talking to me, I do glance at them, so that rules out damage there. I most likely have a problem with my Vestibulocochlear nerve. It is a cranial nerve that deals purely with input from the senses to the brain. It also deals with balance, which I'd say I have a fairly average sense of. It makes sense, my balance isn't impaired, and my hearing isn't full lost. The nerves have to be partially damaged or numbed - so to speak.
I have a devilish habit of going off into tangents... I only wanted to explore the nerve theory because I know surrounding nerves pick up the duties of their fallen to compensate. And nerves use a lot, and I mean a lot, of energy to operate. So that was my reasoning for being tired; is it true? Of course not. Once I have a Ph.D I better hope I can diagnose myself a little bit better. But it is true that prolonged periods of social activity make me much more tired than usual. And these dips and valleys are not a fun time for me. I become highly insocial, people all of the sudden start complaining about my inactivity. I mean jeez, let me rest! Although there is an adaptive period, to be fair. I obviously talk with my parents regularly, yet they never tire me (unless of course, you know, nag nag nag). However with friends I have to get wicked used to their voices to be able to understand them without concentration. I find myself with people I know fairly well (as in 5 people total) I can just kind of release a little bit, and just let the words wash over me while I can pick up the easy words (the, and, etc) and piece the rest together. It works for the most part, and it's fun sometimes when I completely realize I've been carrying a conversation without thinking about it for the most part.
I don't know where I was going with this, but this is something I came up with while taking a piss. I love toilets, they open your minds and flush close-mindedness down the drain.
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