Better Off?

I love my parents, I really do. If I could go back and change anything they did, I'd change nothing.



But the one thing that always nags at me in the back of my head, is would I have been better off as a kid with normal hearing loss? There are obvious things that a parent must do differently with a child who has a profound hearing loss and must use hearing aids. There are certain responsibilities the child must learn earlier on, and there are certain simple joys the child may never get to experience. Singing in the rain being one of them, we can sing, we can walk in the rain, we just can't hear ourself singing in the rain if we wanted to. We learn early on that dry is better, and we shy away from any instance or circumstance that may get us wet, because even the smallest amount of moisture falling on our hearing aids sets back our hearing ten fold, and our bank account even more.



Besides raising a child to be cautious about a very serious piece of equipment, there comes another obvious point, and that's the point of independence. I have yet to hear of a hearing impaired child whose parents did NOT attend to them almost every minute of every day. I have seen parents who, otherwise, would have raised their child differently, but upon discovering their child's hearing loss, they become different parents altogether. They become more attentive, more focused, more educated, and much much more worried. It is this observation that leads me to think, would I have been different without hearing loss?



As a child I was spoiled, yes I admit it, I was a spoiled little boy. My every whim, my every wish was met, could I have milk, could I have cookies, just three? no, more, just a few more minutes (every 10 minutes) and I'll go to sleep. Is it because my parents are very relaxed (yes, because quite honestly, a few more cookies doesn't do much harm, and a few more minutes doesn't really matter) but it's still important to hit home the important life lessons. A few more cookies breeds a bigger snack capacity, that will never stop growing. A few more minutes before bedtime breeds a lifetime of pushing I should go to sleep now back until it's I can't keep my eyes open.



Whether or not I was hearing impaired, I feel that would have turned out to be the same as I was growing up, however, the way I went about those few extra cookies, or the longer bedtime when I was finally on my own hinges on something else far more different than an allowance. And that difference comes from dependency. There is much concern circling a hearing impaired child as he attempts to face a school full of normal hearing children. There is much concern surrounding a child with hearing loss and enabling him to develop near perfect speech earlier on. There is obvious worry involving a child with hearing loss and whether or not he's safe enough to walk to school without getting run over or hearing an obvious attacker. All of these were issues I had to deal with, all of them my parents helped me deal with them. It took me awhile before I even worked up enough confidence in myself, in my simple ability, to order food. I was always worried I was going to mess up an order because I couldn't hear. It wasn't that the waiter or waitress couldn't hear what I was going to order, but always that I couldn't hear the pen scribbling on the pad or something. It was always the fact that I couldn't hear that I worried about talking to the right authorative person about personal needs I had regarding education, it was always my mother that I needed, that I relied on, that I came to understand - anything you need done, mommy can do it, because I can't hear.



I don't wish anything was different, like I said. I'm learning all the things that maybe I wish I learned earlier on, I'm learning now and I'm happy. Would it have made a difference? Maybe, maybe I'd be more disciplined, and I'd be further ahead with what I'm doing now, but at this point it doesn't make a difference. I've started it, and whether I'm only 7 months in or 2 years, doesn't matter, I'm seeing it to the finish.



But if I wasn't hearing impaired, would I have learned earlier on that I could call people without worrying about having to ask them to repeat? Would I have learned that if I needed anything, I could go up to a person of position and inquire as to how they can help me - and to that matter, would I have needed help in school if it wasn't for my hearing loss? The answer to that one is an obvious yes, since everything I did outside of going to school, going to class, and going home was all involved with my hearing loss. I would have developed a stronger sense of independence, and maybe a stronger sense of confidence earlier on. There are still a few things keeping my confidence low, and only half of that is really due to hearing loss even though it is slowly diminishing. The other half I'm certain would still be here regardless. And that is a speed bump, quite literally, that I'll have to get over sometime in the future.



Maybe I'd have learned independence earlier on, and while I wish I had - I have friends who knew how to get themselves to school and back home without any problems, and who were capable of making their own meals if need be. And I see what strong people they are now, but I realize, deep down inside do they still have that soft core, that five year old, that their parents grabbed ahold of all those years back and never let go? No, not entirely. If it wasn't for friends, they'd be completely hardened - now that's a problem. But it's not a problem really, and it's not a sad life. It's a fine life, some would even say their discipline, determination, drive, and ability to live on their own would be much more appealing than my humor, my sense of fun, and my sense of life is life, let it be what it is.



Looking back, I realize there are certain things that came out of it after all that wasn't too bad. When my friends are completely stumped as to what is what at an event, location, place, anything - they always ask me if they should do this, or if it's ok if they do that. I have completely no idea, but I'm the only one willing to go up to the staff or authoratitive person and ask them. Even if my friends don't because they feel it's a stupid question, or if they feel they are wasting the person's time- who gives a flying fuck, it's their goddamn job to help us. I've also had friends take that theory too far, as in, it's ok to throw garbage on the floor, it's the janitor's job to clean it up. I don't think to that extreme, a certain level of respect is a must, since it's crucial to fostering a relationship with the person in charge in the sense that, you respect my business and my work, and I'll get you what you need.

Maybe I would be stronger today than I am now if I wasn't hearing impaired, and I mean that in both the physical and mental way. I fully believe that maybe isn't really a maybe but an actuality. If I wasn't hearing impaired, I would have grown up to become a strong, independent, confident, and determined individual. I wouldn't expect shit to be handed to me, and I would expect to work for everything. I'm slowly learning that the hard way, and trust me, the hard way is harder in college than it is in middle school. Be ready for a shit ton of bricks to hit you hard, so hard the air gets knocked clear out of your lungs (don't worry, your hemoglobin is saturated with enough oxygen to keep you alive while you get your wind back). But also don't panic and realize this simple fact (because it applies to you too - and by you I mean primarily the kids like me, but to everyone else who feels that college is demanding a change in lifestyle and it's goddamn hard) - whether or not i'm a strong and confident individual now or a few years down the line. When I'm dead, I'm the same either way. And to put it more in depth, when I'm about to die, I'll be what I am, whether or not I changed in middle school, college, or halfway through college.

Enjoy life, grow some balls, and stop worrying so much about other people - life is limited, you don't want to live yours wishing you had worked up the courage to stand up for yourself and do things your way instead of waiting for someone to say it's ok for you to do it.

And yes, I know, trust me, I KNOW, that it's hard, and that you can't help it. Neither can I; but you have my word, as soon as I figure out how to overcome it, you'll be the first to know.