The Thinking Bowl

Why is it that whenever we head to bathroom we get most of our work done in there? It seems to be the only place void of distractions, the bland generic tiling and whitewash walls leave little room for the mind to wander. If you aren't armed with a book, you aren't going to be thinking about much in there other than your own thoughts. A couple blogs back I mentioned I was going to describe how I was feeling and how I figured it out while taking a piss. A bit delayed, but here goes.

It was a while back, I'll admit that, but I've found truth in it, I've found some lies in it, and I've furthered it even more.

I'm still sick of this bullshit hearing loss, just thinking about it frustrates me, but there's not much you can do about it anymore. It's here, I've gotta put up with, and I've just gotta push through it. But I'm getting tired of people who don't accept me for what it is and even people who do. You know all these people who become friends with people with disabilities, and then when someone says, "oh, you know I get angry easily because I'm hearing impaired" and they just shrug that off as an excuse, It's not an excuse, it's a legitimate reason as to why our behaviors are the way they are. People with disabilites are not normal people with less hearing, they are normal people with less hearing and the psychological 'affections' associated with a disability. Why is this concept so hard for people to understand?

I meet all walks of people in life.
When I run for a leadership position, I meet the kind of person who says, you know, you are hearing impaired, do you think this will affect your job as a leader. It doesn't and it won't by the way, a one - on - one meeting with the boss is still considered the most effective way to garner information in the work force. Not only are people hesitant to say certain things with other people present, they are also hesitant to seem sycophantic, but a one - on - one I feel is probably the only honest ground we have left in business.

I also meet the person who doesn't understand why I get so worked up about something sometimes, and why I get so angry. Is that 100% because of my hearing loss? No, but maybe it's just the way I am. I happen to be a person, a regular person with a disability, who has this tendency to get extremely angry, extremely fast. But then they go and say don't give me this 'bullshit' (pardon my french here), about you getting angry easily and getting worked up. I don't want to hear excuses. They mean well, they really do. They feel it's necessary to make people with disabilites feel like everyone else. But that's just the problem, we are not like everyone else... We have problems, we have issues, we have needs just like everyone else. I need to change my batteries every once in a while, I need to sit to the left of people to hear them since my right ear is my only somewhat decent ear, I have two specific corners of a table that I feel comfortable sitting at, and both corners involve my left facing no one, and no table.

This blog is bookmarked on my toolbar, and I see the name of it every day - "Living with Hearing Loss." It just serves as a reminder that yes, I am living with Hearing loss, and yes I am dealing with it, but I am getting sick of it. So enough of this tangent (and boy, when I tangent, do I tangent or what?) So here's what I was thinking when I was taking a piss.

I have really active moments (active meaning social) and really inactive moments. During my inactive moments I feel rundown, tired, lethargic, tired of it all and everyone. I guess you could say I'm going through that right now. It might be 100% hearing loss it might not be. The reason why I attribute hearing loss to this 'phenom' is simple - early on I realized I spent more energy than the average person trying to hear what was being said, or focusing on the words and the actual speech. Do I feel my body is working harder to gather sounds? Yes. I know my problem are inactive nerves, but I'm not 100% sure on the specifics. I have yet to ask my parents, and I think maybe I will. Perhaps there is damage in my Inferior Colliculi - I do not have the instinct reaction to turn my eyes towards sound, but when someone I'm aware of starts talking to me, I do glance at them, so that rules out damage there. I most likely have a problem with my Vestibulocochlear nerve. It is a cranial nerve that deals purely with input from the senses to the brain. It also deals with balance, which I'd say I have a fairly average sense of. It makes sense, my balance isn't impaired, and my hearing isn't full lost. The nerves have to be partially damaged or numbed - so to speak.

I have a devilish habit of going off into tangents... I only wanted to explore the nerve theory because I know surrounding nerves pick up the duties of their fallen to compensate. And nerves use a lot, and I mean a lot, of energy to operate. So that was my reasoning for being tired; is it true? Of course not. Once I have a Ph.D I better hope I can diagnose myself a little bit better. But it is true that prolonged periods of social activity make me much more tired than usual. And these dips and valleys are not a fun time for me. I become highly insocial, people all of the sudden start complaining about my inactivity. I mean jeez, let me rest! Although there is an adaptive period, to be fair. I obviously talk with my parents regularly, yet they never tire me (unless of course, you know, nag nag nag). However with friends I have to get wicked used to their voices to be able to understand them without concentration. I find myself with people I know fairly well (as in 5 people total) I can just kind of release a little bit, and just let the words wash over me while I can pick up the easy words (the, and, etc) and piece the rest together. It works for the most part, and it's fun sometimes when I completely realize I've been carrying a conversation without thinking about it for the most part.

I don't know where I was going with this, but this is something I came up with while taking a piss. I love toilets, they open your minds and flush close-mindedness down the drain.