3.8.09
26.4.09
Touching People - Appropriately
July 20th, 2009 - 12:09 am
Consider this an extension of the nicety post, but with some extra spice added to it.
Like I mentioned before, I think I'm a nice guy, even to the point where I feel I am way too nice sometimes. People always say, oh you're a nice guy and all, but no one ever seems to really really appreciate how nice I am, albeit a special few. And the reason why I'm being conceited on this point is because I rarely ever see anyone do anything as nice or as above and beyond what a normal person would do. The reason I'm bringing this up is because, I feel like it makes a difference in their lives if you can just make it that much easier for them - it may be such a small amount, something as simple as a small sentence, or something as grandiose as a generous gesture with nothing expected in return and nothing asked of you to do. I don't expect an overtly large thank you, a simple thank you will suffice. But to then turn around and act like a complete asshole to me? No, I mean, that's just complete bullshit.
I don't drink, one of the reasons why I don't drink is because I don't like myself when I'm drunk. The old childhood me comes out, the one that was bossy, commandeering, loud and aggressive. Mind you, aggressive and mean towards others are two different things. I was always still nice and grateful, but I was slightly more obnoxious than normal. Another reason is because I believe it's genuinely bad for you to drink, no matter what the reason is. One with a meal, and if you keep it to 2 a week at the very very very most - it's fine. But college parties definition of drinking - is not fine. And I've seen it on three counts three nights in a row. So, good old sober Darryl, as nice as he can be, dealing with a bunch of drunk people. Obviously I stick out like a sore thumb, I'm straight and they are weaving and bobbing all over the place talking about whatever it is they talk about in their own beer language... Of course I get stuck helping these people, and as you may or may not know, drunk people aren't necessarily the most appreciative, or thoughtful of people. That's fine with me, but to deal with it 3 nights in a row is a bit too much. Suffice to say I've reached my snapping point and that's why I'm here, in a room with the door locked and my hearing aid out. I can't deal with this shit anymore.
I so badly want to touch people's lives. I want them to feel better emotionally after they spend time with me, after a conversation I want them to feel better about themselves. I so badly want everyone to be as happy as I am. (most of the time) But there are times when I'm not happy, and I hate it so much. It's those times I wish I had someone to uplift my spirits, but that's what I've spent my entire life building up - being that guy to uplift someone's spirits when they are down. It doesn't always work, sure, but it's honestly the only thing that keeps me going as happy as I am - is knowing that I'm spreading happiness. But when I do try to help people, or to cheer them up and they just turn around and act completely against me, no matter how jokingly, enough times is going to make me feel like I'm hitting a stone wall. And I just get depleted. The only thing keeping me happy, is seeing how fulfilled I can make others.
Why, then, am I this way? Why am I so goddamn obsessed with making people enjoy themselves more and have a better fuller life? I could draw a theory to my hearing loss, and that's exactly what I will do. Whenever I was young, I was always upset about my hearing loss, i was a bossy child and my friends slowly drifted away from me because I was freaked out about not having things go the way I wanted them to. That meant that I would probably miss out on the 'plan change' because I couldn't hear it. So, there was little Darryl, down in the dumps, who considered suicide as an option. (A long time ago, a time that passed and that I'm over) And I never had anyone come to me to make me feel better. Sure I had my parents and my family, but I only saw them so much, and I couldn't possibly expect them to spend 24/7 with me. And with my friends drifting away, I was spending more and more time with myself, thinking about nothing else but how goddamn frustrated I was to be hearing impaired. I sat in my room moping, oh I'm hearing impaired and I'll never hear what they say, so I'm not going to even bother. Slowly I started spending more and more time with people, becoming much more reserved - more the listener and not the talker, more the follower and not the leader. I was afraid of losing them again to bossiness, I realized I couldn't control everything, and I didn't want to control even the littlest bit because I was afraid I'd miss some fundamental fact and I'd do everything wrongly.
But as I spent more and more time with people, I realized we all have problems, we all have sorrow, and to know what it feels like to be in immense sorrow, I just didn't want to let anyone else go through that, at least not without knowing they have a friend. I had stopped becoming the loud voice, and became the strong ear. I would always listen to anyone's problems, no matter how long, stupid, or boring they were. Whether they were simple problems, or incredibly complex problems - I listened. There was nothing more powerful than saying your piece and working your problem vocally, especially with someone listening and offering a different perspective on things. It was what I did, it is what I do.
It's tiring, and it's starting to get on my nerves. When do I get to speak again? I spoke for 8 years, then I stopped for 12. And now the people who I listen to, on what seems to be years and years on end, never listen to me. Talking back is either talking to a brick wall, a texting phone, or someone who wants to bring something up about themselves again. No one listens to my voice anymore. Years and years of suppressing my voice because it never had anything to say that was relevant (since it never knew what was relevant) has not only left me hearing impaired, but it's left me silent. Good, they're happy, they feel better. But what about me? The amount of happiness I get from helping other people slowly is diminishing as those people are not turning around to help me in my minor times of need.
I'm hearing impaired, I don't follow what's being said in a group very well, and while I hear them I don't understand them. I do better when I'm talking to one other person, about casual things. Then when it's just one person talking and I don't have to say much I listen the best, and I hear the best. But when I'm talking I don't think I can hear myself anymore, no one else seems to either.
Consider this an extension of the nicety post, but with some extra spice added to it.
Like I mentioned before, I think I'm a nice guy, even to the point where I feel I am way too nice sometimes. People always say, oh you're a nice guy and all, but no one ever seems to really really appreciate how nice I am, albeit a special few. And the reason why I'm being conceited on this point is because I rarely ever see anyone do anything as nice or as above and beyond what a normal person would do. The reason I'm bringing this up is because, I feel like it makes a difference in their lives if you can just make it that much easier for them - it may be such a small amount, something as simple as a small sentence, or something as grandiose as a generous gesture with nothing expected in return and nothing asked of you to do. I don't expect an overtly large thank you, a simple thank you will suffice. But to then turn around and act like a complete asshole to me? No, I mean, that's just complete bullshit.
I don't drink, one of the reasons why I don't drink is because I don't like myself when I'm drunk. The old childhood me comes out, the one that was bossy, commandeering, loud and aggressive. Mind you, aggressive and mean towards others are two different things. I was always still nice and grateful, but I was slightly more obnoxious than normal. Another reason is because I believe it's genuinely bad for you to drink, no matter what the reason is. One with a meal, and if you keep it to 2 a week at the very very very most - it's fine. But college parties definition of drinking - is not fine. And I've seen it on three counts three nights in a row. So, good old sober Darryl, as nice as he can be, dealing with a bunch of drunk people. Obviously I stick out like a sore thumb, I'm straight and they are weaving and bobbing all over the place talking about whatever it is they talk about in their own beer language... Of course I get stuck helping these people, and as you may or may not know, drunk people aren't necessarily the most appreciative, or thoughtful of people. That's fine with me, but to deal with it 3 nights in a row is a bit too much. Suffice to say I've reached my snapping point and that's why I'm here, in a room with the door locked and my hearing aid out. I can't deal with this shit anymore.
I so badly want to touch people's lives. I want them to feel better emotionally after they spend time with me, after a conversation I want them to feel better about themselves. I so badly want everyone to be as happy as I am. (most of the time) But there are times when I'm not happy, and I hate it so much. It's those times I wish I had someone to uplift my spirits, but that's what I've spent my entire life building up - being that guy to uplift someone's spirits when they are down. It doesn't always work, sure, but it's honestly the only thing that keeps me going as happy as I am - is knowing that I'm spreading happiness. But when I do try to help people, or to cheer them up and they just turn around and act completely against me, no matter how jokingly, enough times is going to make me feel like I'm hitting a stone wall. And I just get depleted. The only thing keeping me happy, is seeing how fulfilled I can make others.
Why, then, am I this way? Why am I so goddamn obsessed with making people enjoy themselves more and have a better fuller life? I could draw a theory to my hearing loss, and that's exactly what I will do. Whenever I was young, I was always upset about my hearing loss, i was a bossy child and my friends slowly drifted away from me because I was freaked out about not having things go the way I wanted them to. That meant that I would probably miss out on the 'plan change' because I couldn't hear it. So, there was little Darryl, down in the dumps, who considered suicide as an option. (A long time ago, a time that passed and that I'm over) And I never had anyone come to me to make me feel better. Sure I had my parents and my family, but I only saw them so much, and I couldn't possibly expect them to spend 24/7 with me. And with my friends drifting away, I was spending more and more time with myself, thinking about nothing else but how goddamn frustrated I was to be hearing impaired. I sat in my room moping, oh I'm hearing impaired and I'll never hear what they say, so I'm not going to even bother. Slowly I started spending more and more time with people, becoming much more reserved - more the listener and not the talker, more the follower and not the leader. I was afraid of losing them again to bossiness, I realized I couldn't control everything, and I didn't want to control even the littlest bit because I was afraid I'd miss some fundamental fact and I'd do everything wrongly.
But as I spent more and more time with people, I realized we all have problems, we all have sorrow, and to know what it feels like to be in immense sorrow, I just didn't want to let anyone else go through that, at least not without knowing they have a friend. I had stopped becoming the loud voice, and became the strong ear. I would always listen to anyone's problems, no matter how long, stupid, or boring they were. Whether they were simple problems, or incredibly complex problems - I listened. There was nothing more powerful than saying your piece and working your problem vocally, especially with someone listening and offering a different perspective on things. It was what I did, it is what I do.
It's tiring, and it's starting to get on my nerves. When do I get to speak again? I spoke for 8 years, then I stopped for 12. And now the people who I listen to, on what seems to be years and years on end, never listen to me. Talking back is either talking to a brick wall, a texting phone, or someone who wants to bring something up about themselves again. No one listens to my voice anymore. Years and years of suppressing my voice because it never had anything to say that was relevant (since it never knew what was relevant) has not only left me hearing impaired, but it's left me silent. Good, they're happy, they feel better. But what about me? The amount of happiness I get from helping other people slowly is diminishing as those people are not turning around to help me in my minor times of need.
I'm hearing impaired, I don't follow what's being said in a group very well, and while I hear them I don't understand them. I do better when I'm talking to one other person, about casual things. Then when it's just one person talking and I don't have to say much I listen the best, and I hear the best. But when I'm talking I don't think I can hear myself anymore, no one else seems to either.
Random Acts of Kindness
I would like to consider myself a nice guy. I mean to say, I feel that I may not be as good hearted as I would like to be, but there are things that I will do sometimes that I wouldn't expect to see in return. Simple things, like going out of my way to help people, or helping people when I just don't want to, but I feel that everyone does those kind of things, and I'm not entirely sure if it's just me or what. But I suppose I get in return what I give, and if I really thought about it, I'd feel like saying that whenever I do a lot of nice things something goes well for me, but that's just because I'm thinking about it and not because that's actually what happens. Then again, I really am not a nice person, or at least I think that because of the many things I think and say about people. A genuinely nice person wouldn't bad mouth someone else would he? I have, so I can't possibly be the extremely nice person everyone has made me out to be.
But if, and that's a big if, I am the person that everyone has said I am, why? Why do I do unneccesary things, that people wouldn't normally do, without prompt, without cause? I've often wondered sometimes, after I do something, why did I just go ahead and do that, when that person didn't even ask me for my help? I've always wondered about it, and thought maybe it was because I was hearing impaired, and maybe because I had gone through a lot in life I would want to make it easier for other people, just as I would want it to be easier for me. But that NEVER works out, never being 99%. I always expect people to help me out a certain way, and they never do unless I ask them. Sometimes they can't at all, and of course, me being the way I am, really, honestly, don't care that they can't help me. I've never liked asking for help, so I've always just helped people since I assumed they didn't like asking for help.
But does my hearing loss have anything to do with the acts of kindness or the fact that I don't like asking for help? Let's look at the first; when I first thought of this subject, I thought that maybe I was nice because a friend of mine was so nice to me I didn't understand why. And somehow, someway, that changed me. It's such a stupid story, but it deals with pokémon cards. I stole his, a month later they found out I had it, I gave it back. I stole it again, and they called that day and got it back. Now mind you, this is my best friend - not the nicest thing to do back in 3rd grade. But he eventually traded me that card for another one of my cards that I didn't care about at all. That trade, caused him to get another card that I really wanted. Now, I didn't steal this one, but it made me think. He went through all that trouble, didn't care that I stole it, was willing to let me have it basically, and ended up with the better deal. This was amazing, this was karma, this was like finding the statue of the fat golden man on top of the tallest mountain. But I never made a concious effort to change after that moment, I just kinda did, gradually. I think I was selfish, and even though I still am to this day (oh god, I am selfish beyond belief) I manage to put other people before me, and I honestly have not a care in the world about how other people use, or abuse, my help - as long as I can help them, I'm happy.
I'm honestly glad that I am the way I am now about this whole situation.. As I talk about it, life is simple, life is happy, life is carefree. As I type this, I am sitting on my porch, with my iTunes going, and it is the most beautiful day we've had in awhile (summer's starting, woo) There is really nothing better than this moment right here, the birds singing the graceful melody, the trees gently swaying in the most perfect summer breeze, the sun light just barely peeks through the leaves as it sets, casting a lush golden glow on the trees, grass, sky. Such a perfect moment, and it really is the best thing in life. I could be insided playing video games as i have been all summer (when I'm not working) but this is just so much better, and by sitting here doing nothing, I've never felt more alive. As long as I can sit here anytime I want, I don't really care what people expect of me, and I don't care if they need my help or not. I want people to be happy because I already am - eventhough I don't know it all the time...
I hate asking for help, I really do, the last thing I want to seem like is an imposition. But people tell me I'm not imposing, even though I genuinely feel like I am. It bothers me so much, that when I ask someone for help, and something gets done faster, it doesn't feel as satisyfing as if I had done it by myself and struggled. And not satisfying as in the sense of, I accomplished this myself, but satisfying in the sense that I won't feel comfortable with myself if I feel like I've imposed. So I never ask for help, since I constantly feel like I'm imposing. The only people who seem to be exempt to this is are my parents, only because, well they kinda have to and I'm no imposition to them. But I've never understood why I absolutely hated the feeling of imposition, and the feeling that I'd be making someone do something they dont' wanna do. Which is why someone goes out of their way to help me, and I've never asked them, I don't feel as bad, and so this is why I do it myself. The last thing I want is anyone to feel like they've imposed upon me.
Also, I don't think this has much to do with my hearing loss, because, as far as other hearing impaired people go, I haven't exactly been the perfect gentleman. I behave towards them, just as the rest of society does, and this is because I was raised in a mainstream society. It's only been, 6 or so years that I've started really helping people with hearing loss or in the same situation as I am in. It took me a while as I was a kid to realize that other people with hearing aids were the same as me. And those with more severe hearing losses and profound accents, they got made fun of, even while I was standing there, and I genuinely felt bad. This was a turn around for me, why would my friends make fun of someone with hearing loss when I'm standing right there with them? Such is a topic for another time.
The main theme I see here? Do unto others as you wish done unto yourself. Such a good statement to live by, but it's hard in this society where no one wants to seemingly do anything so far as to give you the time of day. In fact, I've heard way too many stories about people trying to get helped getting nothing but negativity in return, and that worries me. Where are we going as a society? Thankfully there are still people who are genuinely nice, showing that we still have a shred of humanity left. And hopefully, even to my old age, I can get to that point, and stop being corrupted by society's ways of influencing me to be 'mean.'
But if, and that's a big if, I am the person that everyone has said I am, why? Why do I do unneccesary things, that people wouldn't normally do, without prompt, without cause? I've often wondered sometimes, after I do something, why did I just go ahead and do that, when that person didn't even ask me for my help? I've always wondered about it, and thought maybe it was because I was hearing impaired, and maybe because I had gone through a lot in life I would want to make it easier for other people, just as I would want it to be easier for me. But that NEVER works out, never being 99%. I always expect people to help me out a certain way, and they never do unless I ask them. Sometimes they can't at all, and of course, me being the way I am, really, honestly, don't care that they can't help me. I've never liked asking for help, so I've always just helped people since I assumed they didn't like asking for help.
But does my hearing loss have anything to do with the acts of kindness or the fact that I don't like asking for help? Let's look at the first; when I first thought of this subject, I thought that maybe I was nice because a friend of mine was so nice to me I didn't understand why. And somehow, someway, that changed me. It's such a stupid story, but it deals with pokémon cards. I stole his, a month later they found out I had it, I gave it back. I stole it again, and they called that day and got it back. Now mind you, this is my best friend - not the nicest thing to do back in 3rd grade. But he eventually traded me that card for another one of my cards that I didn't care about at all. That trade, caused him to get another card that I really wanted. Now, I didn't steal this one, but it made me think. He went through all that trouble, didn't care that I stole it, was willing to let me have it basically, and ended up with the better deal. This was amazing, this was karma, this was like finding the statue of the fat golden man on top of the tallest mountain. But I never made a concious effort to change after that moment, I just kinda did, gradually. I think I was selfish, and even though I still am to this day (oh god, I am selfish beyond belief) I manage to put other people before me, and I honestly have not a care in the world about how other people use, or abuse, my help - as long as I can help them, I'm happy.
I'm honestly glad that I am the way I am now about this whole situation.. As I talk about it, life is simple, life is happy, life is carefree. As I type this, I am sitting on my porch, with my iTunes going, and it is the most beautiful day we've had in awhile (summer's starting, woo) There is really nothing better than this moment right here, the birds singing the graceful melody, the trees gently swaying in the most perfect summer breeze, the sun light just barely peeks through the leaves as it sets, casting a lush golden glow on the trees, grass, sky. Such a perfect moment, and it really is the best thing in life. I could be insided playing video games as i have been all summer (when I'm not working) but this is just so much better, and by sitting here doing nothing, I've never felt more alive. As long as I can sit here anytime I want, I don't really care what people expect of me, and I don't care if they need my help or not. I want people to be happy because I already am - eventhough I don't know it all the time...
I hate asking for help, I really do, the last thing I want to seem like is an imposition. But people tell me I'm not imposing, even though I genuinely feel like I am. It bothers me so much, that when I ask someone for help, and something gets done faster, it doesn't feel as satisyfing as if I had done it by myself and struggled. And not satisfying as in the sense of, I accomplished this myself, but satisfying in the sense that I won't feel comfortable with myself if I feel like I've imposed. So I never ask for help, since I constantly feel like I'm imposing. The only people who seem to be exempt to this is are my parents, only because, well they kinda have to and I'm no imposition to them. But I've never understood why I absolutely hated the feeling of imposition, and the feeling that I'd be making someone do something they dont' wanna do. Which is why someone goes out of their way to help me, and I've never asked them, I don't feel as bad, and so this is why I do it myself. The last thing I want is anyone to feel like they've imposed upon me.
Also, I don't think this has much to do with my hearing loss, because, as far as other hearing impaired people go, I haven't exactly been the perfect gentleman. I behave towards them, just as the rest of society does, and this is because I was raised in a mainstream society. It's only been, 6 or so years that I've started really helping people with hearing loss or in the same situation as I am in. It took me a while as I was a kid to realize that other people with hearing aids were the same as me. And those with more severe hearing losses and profound accents, they got made fun of, even while I was standing there, and I genuinely felt bad. This was a turn around for me, why would my friends make fun of someone with hearing loss when I'm standing right there with them? Such is a topic for another time.
The main theme I see here? Do unto others as you wish done unto yourself. Such a good statement to live by, but it's hard in this society where no one wants to seemingly do anything so far as to give you the time of day. In fact, I've heard way too many stories about people trying to get helped getting nothing but negativity in return, and that worries me. Where are we going as a society? Thankfully there are still people who are genuinely nice, showing that we still have a shred of humanity left. And hopefully, even to my old age, I can get to that point, and stop being corrupted by society's ways of influencing me to be 'mean.'
9.3.09
Analyzing what doesn't happen
I've noticed something recently about myself, I tend to over think and complicate overly simple things. I also tend to over analyze any situation, glance, phrase, or tone of voice presented to me. And like all idiosyncrasies I have I tend to think, is it because of hearing loss or is it just the way I am? This is one of those few things which I know for sure is purely because of my hearing loss, even though it's not readily apparent. This means to say, my friends know I over analyze things, they also know I'm hearing impaired, but they don't put the two together, and the reason why I know and they don't is very deeply rooted.
So let's get gardening...
Before hitting the roots, there's a lot of topsoil to go through first, well, there may be a lot, but it's easy to heave it out of the way. So let's get the questions over with first, and hopefully this will be one of those less, asky type insights, and one of those more, so this is what it's really like - that famous "ahhh" moment when it all clicks in your head. I'm a rarity, at least I've always believed, when it comes to how I live my life. I oversimplify the big things, and over complicate the simple easy things.
If I have college applications coming up, or an interview for a job, or I run for a position, I've always been at ease with those things, because very rarely have I outright failed. I've always gotten jobs - even when I didn't want them (and I'm not talking about paid jobs soley, but jobs that people have you do around the office, or school building for credit), and all my applications, for the most part have been successful. Those that haven't, I've been able to rationalize pretty fast as to why I didn't get accepted, either it was as concrete as a score being 20 points too low, or something as hollistic as there were too many qualified people for the job, and while I wasn't able to have been accepted - I wasn't flat out denied. Most of these "rejections' don't make me upset, except, and by god, you had to have gotten through life and realized this by now, there are always exceptions. In my case, a specific example, McGill university said I was good enough in every way to be a student at their university (my first choice) except for one of my SAT 2s being 20 points lower than it should. Needless to say I was pissed off, but after one day of literally sleeping the anger away, I tried to brush it off and move on with life.
One thing I've realized - if you want to be happy, you gotta stop giving a shit about every big thing in your life. Think about it, everytime something big happens and you can't get your first choice, but you settle on your second, third, maybe even your fourth best, something good always happens along the line. you never end up settling and essentially having your life end. And like always, there are exceptions to that rule, and there are people who get so stressed out about not having what they want that they just flat out give up and try not to do anything about their situation. Happiness is not where you are, who you know, happiness is something that comes from whithin, that is so simple, so many people overwork it. You control your happiness, and you can control it only when you realize how simple it is.
Sounds easy right? All those unhappy people have reasons why I'm a moron, or I'm an idiot for saying all this stuff. I got one thing to say to them. Ok. And then I would have to ask them to ask themselves ( I don't really care to hear their answer unless they want to tell me) are you really doing the best you can to do nothing? It sounds complicated, but it's really so simple - a lot of people are not happy with their situation because if they don't get what they want, they stop themselves from enjoying anything else. Newsflash: doing this prevents you from even enjoying what you wanted in the first place even if you manage to achieve it. Alright, so it's easy, and it's hard to do something so easy. Understandable.
But it's also a double edged sword, and it's ridiculously easy to do something so hard, something so energy taxing, and something so meaningless and unimportant. Yet even I do it and I can't help it, but I feel like it has to be done. I will say this, and I will say it bluntly. It might be only me, it might be only people with hearing loss, and you may feel you have absolutely nothing similar to what I'm about to say. Guess what, literally almost everyone does this, but some do it much less than others. People with hearing loss, like me, tend to do this a LOT more.
If someone is walking down the street, and gives you a nod and a slightly happy facial expression, you nod back, give them a slight smile, maybe a chuckle, maybe even a yo. Even the speed, and enthusiasm behind your friend fist bumping you, or even the look and tone people take with their friends once you leave the group or even when you approach it. All of these are the analytical nature of social interactions. And all of these are things I can't help but notice and pick up on. The main reason why this is so concious in my mind, and my mind is constantly racing with people's idiosynachries, or their personalities, or their slightest of slight subtle movement is because I'm hearing impaired. I hear but I don't understand, this we've established. But we've also established I'm left to fill in the blanks, and we've touched on the fact that I have (now) 19 years of social bluffing experience. If someone is happy and talking about something that seemingly interests them, their facial expressions, their body language, their eyes show this. I'm so much more inclined to saying yes to something I didn't understand because it's so likely that they said something like, you know what I mean? Or, it's such an amazing thing, right? But if they look angry or upset, or even frustrated (whether it's at me or not) I really, really, really carefully pick my answers. It's bad of me to do, and I should really get people to repeat things more, but when someone is so happy talking about something, I really feel bad thinking that if I make them repeat it, they might get frustrated saying the same thing over and over again and I wouldn't want that to happen to one of their favorite subjects. There you go, you see, I'm overanalyzing social situations again. And just now I realized there's really two different types of social analysis. The body language type - what I'm dubbing as the Poker Rules of Interaction; what their body language, tone of voice, eyes, smile, facial expressions says about what they are feeling. And the Social Curtain.
The Poker Rules of Interaction is something everyone adheres to and something everyone knows. It's the simple analysis of anything physical, even things they say. Almost everyone does this, and those who do it best can gamble extremely well. But the analysis that's the more taxing one is something I like to call the Social Curtain. Even after I'm done talking to someone, I'm still constantly thinking about what just happened, and even when I'm expecting to meet someone, I'm constantly thinking of what will happen. I'm constantly thinking of what will happen, even while I'm having a conversation. It's so simple as, 'if I say this, he can respond with this, or this, or even that' and it slowly becomes incredibly complex as the conversation goes on because there just are so many possibilities as to how a person can respond. But when they do respond according to one of the many scenarios I have in my head, I feel ready to respond back to them, whether or not it be what I thought I'd say. But the PRI can change the Social Curtain so easily. You can plan an entire conversation, but if their facial expression is just a hair a bit different than what you thought up, you can't possibly expect to say what you planned to say, because at that point it could just be flat out wrong; socially. As much as I'd like to let the chips fall where they may, I can't, I'm constantly trying to fill in gaps, and it gives me such a leg up if I try to fill in those gaps before they even occur. Double layering, even triple layering streets with asphalt to prevent potholes - it takes more time, effort, energy and resources than just repairing the potholes as they come up, but at least you never have to experience a pothole. Worst part is, my Social Curtain can't even 100% prevent all the potholes as well as triple layering a street with asphalt.
Something to think about - because I'm getting tired of doing too much thinking for something so miniscule.
So let's get gardening...
Before hitting the roots, there's a lot of topsoil to go through first, well, there may be a lot, but it's easy to heave it out of the way. So let's get the questions over with first, and hopefully this will be one of those less, asky type insights, and one of those more, so this is what it's really like - that famous "ahhh" moment when it all clicks in your head. I'm a rarity, at least I've always believed, when it comes to how I live my life. I oversimplify the big things, and over complicate the simple easy things.
If I have college applications coming up, or an interview for a job, or I run for a position, I've always been at ease with those things, because very rarely have I outright failed. I've always gotten jobs - even when I didn't want them (and I'm not talking about paid jobs soley, but jobs that people have you do around the office, or school building for credit), and all my applications, for the most part have been successful. Those that haven't, I've been able to rationalize pretty fast as to why I didn't get accepted, either it was as concrete as a score being 20 points too low, or something as hollistic as there were too many qualified people for the job, and while I wasn't able to have been accepted - I wasn't flat out denied. Most of these "rejections' don't make me upset, except, and by god, you had to have gotten through life and realized this by now, there are always exceptions. In my case, a specific example, McGill university said I was good enough in every way to be a student at their university (my first choice) except for one of my SAT 2s being 20 points lower than it should. Needless to say I was pissed off, but after one day of literally sleeping the anger away, I tried to brush it off and move on with life.
One thing I've realized - if you want to be happy, you gotta stop giving a shit about every big thing in your life. Think about it, everytime something big happens and you can't get your first choice, but you settle on your second, third, maybe even your fourth best, something good always happens along the line. you never end up settling and essentially having your life end. And like always, there are exceptions to that rule, and there are people who get so stressed out about not having what they want that they just flat out give up and try not to do anything about their situation. Happiness is not where you are, who you know, happiness is something that comes from whithin, that is so simple, so many people overwork it. You control your happiness, and you can control it only when you realize how simple it is.
Sounds easy right? All those unhappy people have reasons why I'm a moron, or I'm an idiot for saying all this stuff. I got one thing to say to them. Ok. And then I would have to ask them to ask themselves ( I don't really care to hear their answer unless they want to tell me) are you really doing the best you can to do nothing? It sounds complicated, but it's really so simple - a lot of people are not happy with their situation because if they don't get what they want, they stop themselves from enjoying anything else. Newsflash: doing this prevents you from even enjoying what you wanted in the first place even if you manage to achieve it. Alright, so it's easy, and it's hard to do something so easy. Understandable.
But it's also a double edged sword, and it's ridiculously easy to do something so hard, something so energy taxing, and something so meaningless and unimportant. Yet even I do it and I can't help it, but I feel like it has to be done. I will say this, and I will say it bluntly. It might be only me, it might be only people with hearing loss, and you may feel you have absolutely nothing similar to what I'm about to say. Guess what, literally almost everyone does this, but some do it much less than others. People with hearing loss, like me, tend to do this a LOT more.
If someone is walking down the street, and gives you a nod and a slightly happy facial expression, you nod back, give them a slight smile, maybe a chuckle, maybe even a yo. Even the speed, and enthusiasm behind your friend fist bumping you, or even the look and tone people take with their friends once you leave the group or even when you approach it. All of these are the analytical nature of social interactions. And all of these are things I can't help but notice and pick up on. The main reason why this is so concious in my mind, and my mind is constantly racing with people's idiosynachries, or their personalities, or their slightest of slight subtle movement is because I'm hearing impaired. I hear but I don't understand, this we've established. But we've also established I'm left to fill in the blanks, and we've touched on the fact that I have (now) 19 years of social bluffing experience. If someone is happy and talking about something that seemingly interests them, their facial expressions, their body language, their eyes show this. I'm so much more inclined to saying yes to something I didn't understand because it's so likely that they said something like, you know what I mean? Or, it's such an amazing thing, right? But if they look angry or upset, or even frustrated (whether it's at me or not) I really, really, really carefully pick my answers. It's bad of me to do, and I should really get people to repeat things more, but when someone is so happy talking about something, I really feel bad thinking that if I make them repeat it, they might get frustrated saying the same thing over and over again and I wouldn't want that to happen to one of their favorite subjects. There you go, you see, I'm overanalyzing social situations again. And just now I realized there's really two different types of social analysis. The body language type - what I'm dubbing as the Poker Rules of Interaction; what their body language, tone of voice, eyes, smile, facial expressions says about what they are feeling. And the Social Curtain.
The Poker Rules of Interaction is something everyone adheres to and something everyone knows. It's the simple analysis of anything physical, even things they say. Almost everyone does this, and those who do it best can gamble extremely well. But the analysis that's the more taxing one is something I like to call the Social Curtain. Even after I'm done talking to someone, I'm still constantly thinking about what just happened, and even when I'm expecting to meet someone, I'm constantly thinking of what will happen. I'm constantly thinking of what will happen, even while I'm having a conversation. It's so simple as, 'if I say this, he can respond with this, or this, or even that' and it slowly becomes incredibly complex as the conversation goes on because there just are so many possibilities as to how a person can respond. But when they do respond according to one of the many scenarios I have in my head, I feel ready to respond back to them, whether or not it be what I thought I'd say. But the PRI can change the Social Curtain so easily. You can plan an entire conversation, but if their facial expression is just a hair a bit different than what you thought up, you can't possibly expect to say what you planned to say, because at that point it could just be flat out wrong; socially. As much as I'd like to let the chips fall where they may, I can't, I'm constantly trying to fill in gaps, and it gives me such a leg up if I try to fill in those gaps before they even occur. Double layering, even triple layering streets with asphalt to prevent potholes - it takes more time, effort, energy and resources than just repairing the potholes as they come up, but at least you never have to experience a pothole. Worst part is, my Social Curtain can't even 100% prevent all the potholes as well as triple layering a street with asphalt.
Something to think about - because I'm getting tired of doing too much thinking for something so miniscule.
10.2.09
Perspektion
That's right, Perspective and Perception combined. It's two completely different things, but mean the exact same:
According to Webster, they are relatively the same thing. Observation and Point of View are similar in nature in that it is a personal reflection of what you see before you. But there is one fundamental difference.
When someone looks at something, there are many things that can be said about that one thing. It may sound like a stupid and completely irrelevant sentence, but it's important. It has many hidden meanings and deep rooted truths, that are so simply found.
If something is red on bottom, and blue on top, that's the way it is, you can't change it. Your perspective can say either, it's blue, it's red, or it's blue on bottom and red on top. If it's the latter, your perspective is just trying to spite me, what a tricky perspective of yours. But, if you look at this... odd and obviously weird red and blue.. thing, and say, I hate it, it's too ugly. Or I hate it, it's too red. That's your perception. Obviously if you look at it and fear your life, it's perception too, but it's an embarrassing perception.
That example explains so beautifully the fundamental difference between these two seemingly similar things. Both involve you looking at an item and identifying it, we're taught that. But what we aren't taught in school (or Cognitive Psychology in college, for those of you interested) is that a person's perception is based not on factual visual information, but rather the reaction of their subconscious to something physical. A study done in an MRI scanner showed that white people had higher heart rates and anxiety when shown a picture of a black male in gangster clothing. A white male in a suit elicited no response. People's perception then of that situation would have to be one of anxiety, one of 'he's dangerous, I should maintain my distance.' Even, and this is an important point, EVEN, if their stated perspective of a black male was 'oh he's black? Didn't even notice.' Your words may lie, but your biology tells us the truth
I feel that this plagues me, now, mind you, I'm not saying I'm oppressed and people look down on me and the man is after me, I'm not saying any of that, and I don't want to get into a racial issue here. If you must, and especially if you care, I feel that the stigmatization towards blacks is unfair, and even I'm guilty of heightened blood rate when I see a black male in gangsta clothing. I blame society, they say it's equal, but what they say politically isn't what's shown in reality.
As I was saying, I feel this effect of - he's hearing impaired, ok, so what? Is the perspective of me, which is fine, I can't deny it. But when the perception of me is, he's less than me, or I'm better than him - then that bothers me. The worst part? Some people don't even realize they're doing it. It's just as much a subconcious decision when I'm involved as is anything else. Some people just act a little bit better than me and don't even realize they're doing it just because it feels as if they are naturally going about their business, treating me as a equal. But no, this is so far from the truth. If you could just look from the outside of your skin, just look at yourself and the way you treat me or anyone else like me, you'd be shocked at what you say, or how easily you brush me off. And I'm only using me, because saying me is easier than saying a person with hearing loss. I'm not speaking entirely from personal experience, I'm talking from what I've seen in life too.
I once saw a gentleman in the same situation I was in, a college student, living life with his buddies, and he was hearing impaired. The aids were as visible as mine, so I decided to sit and watch him a bit. He was cool with everyone, giving the high fives, the fist bumps, the general comaderie you've come to expect from your friends. But many of the people he talked to, just listened to him and kind of went along with whatever he said, and as soon as he turned, or walked away, they completely just stopped caring about what he was saying. It's funny, I almost think it might even be the perception, and this is such a simple thing the subconcious can cook up easily:
"If he can't hear me very well, then it must be ok if I don't hear him very well" (Whether on purpose or not).
What an astounding thing to wrap your head around. No one, NO ONE, would ever openly say this and expect to be friends with everyone. But the key point here, is the parantheses. Maybe people care less about what a person with hearing loss says, since they feel that person doesn't seem to care about what they say. But this is so far from the truth, we actually in fact, care more about what you say than average people. IF we hear what you say, we're going to hold onto that information because we are so happy we just heard you and we know something about you. Understanding someone 100% to us, is food to a starving man. We're constantly thrown little chips here, some pistachios there, maybe some sunflower seeds, but we rarely get the chance to sit down to a full course gourmet meal. But when we do, you bet your sweet tootin ass that we are going to savor it, every last bit of it.
We care, it's just you make it hard for us to care with that attitude of yours, that snobby, turned up, stuck up attitude where you just stop caring about what you say around us because if we don't hear you, you assume we don't care. Don't bother to repeat it, no, please, oh, what's that? Didn't hear you, nah it's ok, look upset that you have to repeat it, go ahead, be mad! We must obviously not be listening at all! Who would want to listen to you anyway?! Pfffft!
Hey, we may be different, we may be 'specail' and you may be saying, we gotta tream them like equals, they're just like us! News flash, you treat us like you treat everyone else, you're going to learn to hate us, fast. Like I said before, when you talk to someone who has a hearing loss, please, I'm literally begging you, fucking EXPECT them to NOT hear you. But don't talk to us in a baby voice or a different voice, we want to hear your normal voice, we want to hear your normal speed, so we can recognize it easier, so we can start understanding you faster. The more we recognize the simple words you causally say, the faster we can understand full sentences by filling in most of our gaps. And like I mentioned before, subject change - what a damn bitch.
So, you see something. Good for you. But now the key here is not just what you see. It's not all about perception anymore. If you look at something and you really 100% truly want to understand that fucking red and blue thing - don't worry about just what you see, think about what other people see. Think about the different perspectives to life. This red blue thing? Maybe it's too red for somebody, maybe it's too blue, maybe at the right angle the colors will meld into a purple medley, you think it's red on top and blue on bottom, but realize someone out there thinks it's blue on top and red on bottom. They aren't wrong, they are just perceptioning (yes, I know, it's not really a word, get over it) as blue on top and red on bottom. Your perspecktion lets you know that it's not only what you see, but it can be due to so many other reasons and so many other things at once.
- Main Entry:
- per·cep·tion
- Pronunciation:
- \pər-ˈsep-shən\
- Function:
- noun
- 1 a: a result of percieving : Observation b: a mental image : concept
- Main Entry:
- 1per·spec·tive
- Pronunciation:
- \pər-ˈspek-tiv\
- Function:
- noun
- 2 a: the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed
perspective> ; also : Point of View
According to Webster, they are relatively the same thing. Observation and Point of View are similar in nature in that it is a personal reflection of what you see before you. But there is one fundamental difference.
When someone looks at something, there are many things that can be said about that one thing. It may sound like a stupid and completely irrelevant sentence, but it's important. It has many hidden meanings and deep rooted truths, that are so simply found.
If something is red on bottom, and blue on top, that's the way it is, you can't change it. Your perspective can say either, it's blue, it's red, or it's blue on bottom and red on top. If it's the latter, your perspective is just trying to spite me, what a tricky perspective of yours. But, if you look at this... odd and obviously weird red and blue.. thing, and say, I hate it, it's too ugly. Or I hate it, it's too red. That's your perception. Obviously if you look at it and fear your life, it's perception too, but it's an embarrassing perception.
That example explains so beautifully the fundamental difference between these two seemingly similar things. Both involve you looking at an item and identifying it, we're taught that. But what we aren't taught in school (or Cognitive Psychology in college, for those of you interested) is that a person's perception is based not on factual visual information, but rather the reaction of their subconscious to something physical. A study done in an MRI scanner showed that white people had higher heart rates and anxiety when shown a picture of a black male in gangster clothing. A white male in a suit elicited no response. People's perception then of that situation would have to be one of anxiety, one of 'he's dangerous, I should maintain my distance.' Even, and this is an important point, EVEN, if their stated perspective of a black male was 'oh he's black? Didn't even notice.' Your words may lie, but your biology tells us the truth
I feel that this plagues me, now, mind you, I'm not saying I'm oppressed and people look down on me and the man is after me, I'm not saying any of that, and I don't want to get into a racial issue here. If you must, and especially if you care, I feel that the stigmatization towards blacks is unfair, and even I'm guilty of heightened blood rate when I see a black male in gangsta clothing. I blame society, they say it's equal, but what they say politically isn't what's shown in reality.
As I was saying, I feel this effect of - he's hearing impaired, ok, so what? Is the perspective of me, which is fine, I can't deny it. But when the perception of me is, he's less than me, or I'm better than him - then that bothers me. The worst part? Some people don't even realize they're doing it. It's just as much a subconcious decision when I'm involved as is anything else. Some people just act a little bit better than me and don't even realize they're doing it just because it feels as if they are naturally going about their business, treating me as a equal. But no, this is so far from the truth. If you could just look from the outside of your skin, just look at yourself and the way you treat me or anyone else like me, you'd be shocked at what you say, or how easily you brush me off. And I'm only using me, because saying me is easier than saying a person with hearing loss. I'm not speaking entirely from personal experience, I'm talking from what I've seen in life too.
I once saw a gentleman in the same situation I was in, a college student, living life with his buddies, and he was hearing impaired. The aids were as visible as mine, so I decided to sit and watch him a bit. He was cool with everyone, giving the high fives, the fist bumps, the general comaderie you've come to expect from your friends. But many of the people he talked to, just listened to him and kind of went along with whatever he said, and as soon as he turned, or walked away, they completely just stopped caring about what he was saying. It's funny, I almost think it might even be the perception, and this is such a simple thing the subconcious can cook up easily:
"If he can't hear me very well, then it must be ok if I don't hear him very well" (Whether on purpose or not).
What an astounding thing to wrap your head around. No one, NO ONE, would ever openly say this and expect to be friends with everyone. But the key point here, is the parantheses. Maybe people care less about what a person with hearing loss says, since they feel that person doesn't seem to care about what they say. But this is so far from the truth, we actually in fact, care more about what you say than average people. IF we hear what you say, we're going to hold onto that information because we are so happy we just heard you and we know something about you. Understanding someone 100% to us, is food to a starving man. We're constantly thrown little chips here, some pistachios there, maybe some sunflower seeds, but we rarely get the chance to sit down to a full course gourmet meal. But when we do, you bet your sweet tootin ass that we are going to savor it, every last bit of it.
We care, it's just you make it hard for us to care with that attitude of yours, that snobby, turned up, stuck up attitude where you just stop caring about what you say around us because if we don't hear you, you assume we don't care. Don't bother to repeat it, no, please, oh, what's that? Didn't hear you, nah it's ok, look upset that you have to repeat it, go ahead, be mad! We must obviously not be listening at all! Who would want to listen to you anyway?! Pfffft!
Hey, we may be different, we may be 'specail' and you may be saying, we gotta tream them like equals, they're just like us! News flash, you treat us like you treat everyone else, you're going to learn to hate us, fast. Like I said before, when you talk to someone who has a hearing loss, please, I'm literally begging you, fucking EXPECT them to NOT hear you. But don't talk to us in a baby voice or a different voice, we want to hear your normal voice, we want to hear your normal speed, so we can recognize it easier, so we can start understanding you faster. The more we recognize the simple words you causally say, the faster we can understand full sentences by filling in most of our gaps. And like I mentioned before, subject change - what a damn bitch.
So, you see something. Good for you. But now the key here is not just what you see. It's not all about perception anymore. If you look at something and you really 100% truly want to understand that fucking red and blue thing - don't worry about just what you see, think about what other people see. Think about the different perspectives to life. This red blue thing? Maybe it's too red for somebody, maybe it's too blue, maybe at the right angle the colors will meld into a purple medley, you think it's red on top and blue on bottom, but realize someone out there thinks it's blue on top and red on bottom. They aren't wrong, they are just perceptioning (yes, I know, it's not really a word, get over it) as blue on top and red on bottom. Your perspecktion lets you know that it's not only what you see, but it can be due to so many other reasons and so many other things at once.
9.2.09
Respect
As a person with a hearing loss, you deal with people who start off by giving you no respect, at all. It's a simple fact of life, and even if you don't notice it, it's there. It's as subconscious as racism - a study done showed that people placed in an MRI showed a heightened sense of fear or worry when shown a picture of a black male in street clothes as opposed to a white male in a suit. As much as you want to say, "I'm not racist, or I believe everyone is the same," it's nearly impossible, at least for the majority, to actually mean it on a subconscious level.
Unfortunately, the same applies for a person with a hearing loss. It is the very notion of someone using a machine to assist them, something not natural that allows someone to label someone with a hearing loss as less than a person. It is a goddamn shame that I have to realize this, and it's a goddamn shame that it happens. On a subconscious level, I start at 0, and have to work my way up, whereas everyone else starts at 10, and goes down depending on behavior. My Biology teacher has me and a student with a mental disability in his class. Of course he assumed I was like the person with a mental disability; he assumed and completely set me off. His attitude towards the accommodations was a bit disheartening. It took me 2 classes to make him, and the rest of the class, realize that hey, you know, I'm normal. As normal as you, and you, and even you.
Then again, I say to myself maybe there isn't a subconscious level to all of this nonsense, maybe it's just me. And is it me that leads people to go, oh Darryl, uh yeah, let's try to make him feel included but not actually give him anything important? Is it me you can ignore and pretend I don't notice, is it me that you think I can't fucking hear you when I act like anyone else would have? You know, I don't know if normal people do this, but if someone says something completely obnoxious when you are on your last nerve, you just smile, chuckle, shrug it off and ignore them right? Do you know how much it hurts when I do that, and as I walk down the hallway, I hear them talking about how I can't hear shit? That, really, fucking, hurts.
There are days when I'm sick of it all, when I realize I have a lot of work, and I do that work, but then I also have fun relieving that stress by playing with my friends, only to find that my friends aren't really my friends anymore; but merely acquaintances. Then what do I have to fall back on? I got so used to spending time with people now, that I've really opened up, but now what happens when I open up too much and people all of the sudden are turned off? For whatever odd reason, people who acted like I was cool and a great guy, just suddenly act like they are sick of me or they think less of me. Then what do I have to fall back on? I spent my entire freshman year trying to learn how to spend free time with other people, that my 'loner' way of life from high school is completely gone. Rarely there are times I wish I hadn't given up that livelihood. If I'm by myself or with people I don't know online, who is there to judge me? No one can judge me for being hearing impaired, no one judges me that way, at all, because they simply don't. I used to be attached to the computer, because there I was me. Here, on planet Earth, I'm Darryl, the hearing impaired kid.
There are plenty of times when I'm glad I came to my senses and started branching out to people, but there are fewer times when I wish I hadn't left the safety of my own world, the mundane, boring, going nowhere, with no fears world. Those few times come on strong, mainly because I was there, and I know how comfortable it was. I have yet to fully branch out, to fully immerse myself socially, and I have yet to get there, to see how it is. The feelings are strong, but the reasoning is stronger, telling me not to slip back into nothing; and it was essentially a world of nothing, no judgment, no friends, no relationship, no social aspect, no fun. It was day-in, day-out getting through without anyone judging you. Great, we've established I choose reasoning over comfort now, but back to the main point, what to do when you listen to reasoning, and there's just no one there to respect you back?
What sucks the most is, I have respect for absolutely everyone when I'm talking to them. I may not think highly of them, or I may not enjoy their company, but at least I respect all of them to their face. Ever hear of the expression "talking behind his back"? Yeah I'm familiar with that term, rarely am I guilty of it. I'll talk about someone, but not when they are there. Get this, people do that about me, but not behind my back, it's in front of my face. And I'm Darryl, the hearing impaired kid, not like I'm going to hear them.
Unfortunately, the same applies for a person with a hearing loss. It is the very notion of someone using a machine to assist them, something not natural that allows someone to label someone with a hearing loss as less than a person. It is a goddamn shame that I have to realize this, and it's a goddamn shame that it happens. On a subconscious level, I start at 0, and have to work my way up, whereas everyone else starts at 10, and goes down depending on behavior. My Biology teacher has me and a student with a mental disability in his class. Of course he assumed I was like the person with a mental disability; he assumed and completely set me off. His attitude towards the accommodations was a bit disheartening. It took me 2 classes to make him, and the rest of the class, realize that hey, you know, I'm normal. As normal as you, and you, and even you.
Then again, I say to myself maybe there isn't a subconscious level to all of this nonsense, maybe it's just me. And is it me that leads people to go, oh Darryl, uh yeah, let's try to make him feel included but not actually give him anything important? Is it me you can ignore and pretend I don't notice, is it me that you think I can't fucking hear you when I act like anyone else would have? You know, I don't know if normal people do this, but if someone says something completely obnoxious when you are on your last nerve, you just smile, chuckle, shrug it off and ignore them right? Do you know how much it hurts when I do that, and as I walk down the hallway, I hear them talking about how I can't hear shit? That, really, fucking, hurts.
There are days when I'm sick of it all, when I realize I have a lot of work, and I do that work, but then I also have fun relieving that stress by playing with my friends, only to find that my friends aren't really my friends anymore; but merely acquaintances. Then what do I have to fall back on? I got so used to spending time with people now, that I've really opened up, but now what happens when I open up too much and people all of the sudden are turned off? For whatever odd reason, people who acted like I was cool and a great guy, just suddenly act like they are sick of me or they think less of me. Then what do I have to fall back on? I spent my entire freshman year trying to learn how to spend free time with other people, that my 'loner' way of life from high school is completely gone. Rarely there are times I wish I hadn't given up that livelihood. If I'm by myself or with people I don't know online, who is there to judge me? No one can judge me for being hearing impaired, no one judges me that way, at all, because they simply don't. I used to be attached to the computer, because there I was me. Here, on planet Earth, I'm Darryl, the hearing impaired kid.
There are plenty of times when I'm glad I came to my senses and started branching out to people, but there are fewer times when I wish I hadn't left the safety of my own world, the mundane, boring, going nowhere, with no fears world. Those few times come on strong, mainly because I was there, and I know how comfortable it was. I have yet to fully branch out, to fully immerse myself socially, and I have yet to get there, to see how it is. The feelings are strong, but the reasoning is stronger, telling me not to slip back into nothing; and it was essentially a world of nothing, no judgment, no friends, no relationship, no social aspect, no fun. It was day-in, day-out getting through without anyone judging you. Great, we've established I choose reasoning over comfort now, but back to the main point, what to do when you listen to reasoning, and there's just no one there to respect you back?
What sucks the most is, I have respect for absolutely everyone when I'm talking to them. I may not think highly of them, or I may not enjoy their company, but at least I respect all of them to their face. Ever hear of the expression "talking behind his back"? Yeah I'm familiar with that term, rarely am I guilty of it. I'll talk about someone, but not when they are there. Get this, people do that about me, but not behind my back, it's in front of my face. And I'm Darryl, the hearing impaired kid, not like I'm going to hear them.
8.2.09
The Million Dollar Question
In reference to "Better Off" I should close with this question.
Do you live your life asking why, or saying why not?
Ok, that made a lot more sense when I was falling asleep. It has no relevance at all to better off, and I think a more appropriate way of asking it is:
Do you live your life asking permission and waiting timidly, or do you do what you want to do and answer the questions of life instead of ask them?
Do you live your life asking why, or saying why not?
Ok, that made a lot more sense when I was falling asleep. It has no relevance at all to better off, and I think a more appropriate way of asking it is:
Do you live your life asking permission and waiting timidly, or do you do what you want to do and answer the questions of life instead of ask them?
7.2.09
Better Off?
I love my parents, I really do. If I could go back and change anything they did, I'd change nothing.
But the one thing that always nags at me in the back of my head, is would I have been better off as a kid with normal hearing loss? There are obvious things that a parent must do differently with a child who has a profound hearing loss and must use hearing aids. There are certain responsibilities the child must learn earlier on, and there are certain simple joys the child may never get to experience. Singing in the rain being one of them, we can sing, we can walk in the rain, we just can't hear ourself singing in the rain if we wanted to. We learn early on that dry is better, and we shy away from any instance or circumstance that may get us wet, because even the smallest amount of moisture falling on our hearing aids sets back our hearing ten fold, and our bank account even more.
Besides raising a child to be cautious about a very serious piece of equipment, there comes another obvious point, and that's the point of independence. I have yet to hear of a hearing impaired child whose parents did NOT attend to them almost every minute of every day. I have seen parents who, otherwise, would have raised their child differently, but upon discovering their child's hearing loss, they become different parents altogether. They become more attentive, more focused, more educated, and much much more worried. It is this observation that leads me to think, would I have been different without hearing loss?
As a child I was spoiled, yes I admit it, I was a spoiled little boy. My every whim, my every wish was met, could I have milk, could I have cookies, just three? no, more, just a few more minutes (every 10 minutes) and I'll go to sleep. Is it because my parents are very relaxed (yes, because quite honestly, a few more cookies doesn't do much harm, and a few more minutes doesn't really matter) but it's still important to hit home the important life lessons. A few more cookies breeds a bigger snack capacity, that will never stop growing. A few more minutes before bedtime breeds a lifetime of pushing I should go to sleep now back until it's I can't keep my eyes open.
Whether or not I was hearing impaired, I feel that would have turned out to be the same as I was growing up, however, the way I went about those few extra cookies, or the longer bedtime when I was finally on my own hinges on something else far more different than an allowance. And that difference comes from dependency. There is much concern circling a hearing impaired child as he attempts to face a school full of normal hearing children. There is much concern surrounding a child with hearing loss and enabling him to develop near perfect speech earlier on. There is obvious worry involving a child with hearing loss and whether or not he's safe enough to walk to school without getting run over or hearing an obvious attacker. All of these were issues I had to deal with, all of them my parents helped me deal with them. It took me awhile before I even worked up enough confidence in myself, in my simple ability, to order food. I was always worried I was going to mess up an order because I couldn't hear. It wasn't that the waiter or waitress couldn't hear what I was going to order, but always that I couldn't hear the pen scribbling on the pad or something. It was always the fact that I couldn't hear that I worried about talking to the right authorative person about personal needs I had regarding education, it was always my mother that I needed, that I relied on, that I came to understand - anything you need done, mommy can do it, because I can't hear.
I don't wish anything was different, like I said. I'm learning all the things that maybe I wish I learned earlier on, I'm learning now and I'm happy. Would it have made a difference? Maybe, maybe I'd be more disciplined, and I'd be further ahead with what I'm doing now, but at this point it doesn't make a difference. I've started it, and whether I'm only 7 months in or 2 years, doesn't matter, I'm seeing it to the finish.
But if I wasn't hearing impaired, would I have learned earlier on that I could call people without worrying about having to ask them to repeat? Would I have learned that if I needed anything, I could go up to a person of position and inquire as to how they can help me - and to that matter, would I have needed help in school if it wasn't for my hearing loss? The answer to that one is an obvious yes, since everything I did outside of going to school, going to class, and going home was all involved with my hearing loss. I would have developed a stronger sense of independence, and maybe a stronger sense of confidence earlier on. There are still a few things keeping my confidence low, and only half of that is really due to hearing loss even though it is slowly diminishing. The other half I'm certain would still be here regardless. And that is a speed bump, quite literally, that I'll have to get over sometime in the future.
Maybe I'd have learned independence earlier on, and while I wish I had - I have friends who knew how to get themselves to school and back home without any problems, and who were capable of making their own meals if need be. And I see what strong people they are now, but I realize, deep down inside do they still have that soft core, that five year old, that their parents grabbed ahold of all those years back and never let go? No, not entirely. If it wasn't for friends, they'd be completely hardened - now that's a problem. But it's not a problem really, and it's not a sad life. It's a fine life, some would even say their discipline, determination, drive, and ability to live on their own would be much more appealing than my humor, my sense of fun, and my sense of life is life, let it be what it is.
Looking back, I realize there are certain things that came out of it after all that wasn't too bad. When my friends are completely stumped as to what is what at an event, location, place, anything - they always ask me if they should do this, or if it's ok if they do that. I have completely no idea, but I'm the only one willing to go up to the staff or authoratitive person and ask them. Even if my friends don't because they feel it's a stupid question, or if they feel they are wasting the person's time- who gives a flying fuck, it's their goddamn job to help us. I've also had friends take that theory too far, as in, it's ok to throw garbage on the floor, it's the janitor's job to clean it up. I don't think to that extreme, a certain level of respect is a must, since it's crucial to fostering a relationship with the person in charge in the sense that, you respect my business and my work, and I'll get you what you need.
Maybe I would be stronger today than I am now if I wasn't hearing impaired, and I mean that in both the physical and mental way. I fully believe that maybe isn't really a maybe but an actuality. If I wasn't hearing impaired, I would have grown up to become a strong, independent, confident, and determined individual. I wouldn't expect shit to be handed to me, and I would expect to work for everything. I'm slowly learning that the hard way, and trust me, the hard way is harder in college than it is in middle school. Be ready for a shit ton of bricks to hit you hard, so hard the air gets knocked clear out of your lungs (don't worry, your hemoglobin is saturated with enough oxygen to keep you alive while you get your wind back). But also don't panic and realize this simple fact (because it applies to you too - and by you I mean primarily the kids like me, but to everyone else who feels that college is demanding a change in lifestyle and it's goddamn hard) - whether or not i'm a strong and confident individual now or a few years down the line. When I'm dead, I'm the same either way. And to put it more in depth, when I'm about to die, I'll be what I am, whether or not I changed in middle school, college, or halfway through college.
Enjoy life, grow some balls, and stop worrying so much about other people - life is limited, you don't want to live yours wishing you had worked up the courage to stand up for yourself and do things your way instead of waiting for someone to say it's ok for you to do it.
And yes, I know, trust me, I KNOW, that it's hard, and that you can't help it. Neither can I; but you have my word, as soon as I figure out how to overcome it, you'll be the first to know.
But the one thing that always nags at me in the back of my head, is would I have been better off as a kid with normal hearing loss? There are obvious things that a parent must do differently with a child who has a profound hearing loss and must use hearing aids. There are certain responsibilities the child must learn earlier on, and there are certain simple joys the child may never get to experience. Singing in the rain being one of them, we can sing, we can walk in the rain, we just can't hear ourself singing in the rain if we wanted to. We learn early on that dry is better, and we shy away from any instance or circumstance that may get us wet, because even the smallest amount of moisture falling on our hearing aids sets back our hearing ten fold, and our bank account even more.
Besides raising a child to be cautious about a very serious piece of equipment, there comes another obvious point, and that's the point of independence. I have yet to hear of a hearing impaired child whose parents did NOT attend to them almost every minute of every day. I have seen parents who, otherwise, would have raised their child differently, but upon discovering their child's hearing loss, they become different parents altogether. They become more attentive, more focused, more educated, and much much more worried. It is this observation that leads me to think, would I have been different without hearing loss?
As a child I was spoiled, yes I admit it, I was a spoiled little boy. My every whim, my every wish was met, could I have milk, could I have cookies, just three? no, more, just a few more minutes (every 10 minutes) and I'll go to sleep. Is it because my parents are very relaxed (yes, because quite honestly, a few more cookies doesn't do much harm, and a few more minutes doesn't really matter) but it's still important to hit home the important life lessons. A few more cookies breeds a bigger snack capacity, that will never stop growing. A few more minutes before bedtime breeds a lifetime of pushing I should go to sleep now back until it's I can't keep my eyes open.
Whether or not I was hearing impaired, I feel that would have turned out to be the same as I was growing up, however, the way I went about those few extra cookies, or the longer bedtime when I was finally on my own hinges on something else far more different than an allowance. And that difference comes from dependency. There is much concern circling a hearing impaired child as he attempts to face a school full of normal hearing children. There is much concern surrounding a child with hearing loss and enabling him to develop near perfect speech earlier on. There is obvious worry involving a child with hearing loss and whether or not he's safe enough to walk to school without getting run over or hearing an obvious attacker. All of these were issues I had to deal with, all of them my parents helped me deal with them. It took me awhile before I even worked up enough confidence in myself, in my simple ability, to order food. I was always worried I was going to mess up an order because I couldn't hear. It wasn't that the waiter or waitress couldn't hear what I was going to order, but always that I couldn't hear the pen scribbling on the pad or something. It was always the fact that I couldn't hear that I worried about talking to the right authorative person about personal needs I had regarding education, it was always my mother that I needed, that I relied on, that I came to understand - anything you need done, mommy can do it, because I can't hear.
I don't wish anything was different, like I said. I'm learning all the things that maybe I wish I learned earlier on, I'm learning now and I'm happy. Would it have made a difference? Maybe, maybe I'd be more disciplined, and I'd be further ahead with what I'm doing now, but at this point it doesn't make a difference. I've started it, and whether I'm only 7 months in or 2 years, doesn't matter, I'm seeing it to the finish.
But if I wasn't hearing impaired, would I have learned earlier on that I could call people without worrying about having to ask them to repeat? Would I have learned that if I needed anything, I could go up to a person of position and inquire as to how they can help me - and to that matter, would I have needed help in school if it wasn't for my hearing loss? The answer to that one is an obvious yes, since everything I did outside of going to school, going to class, and going home was all involved with my hearing loss. I would have developed a stronger sense of independence, and maybe a stronger sense of confidence earlier on. There are still a few things keeping my confidence low, and only half of that is really due to hearing loss even though it is slowly diminishing. The other half I'm certain would still be here regardless. And that is a speed bump, quite literally, that I'll have to get over sometime in the future.
Maybe I'd have learned independence earlier on, and while I wish I had - I have friends who knew how to get themselves to school and back home without any problems, and who were capable of making their own meals if need be. And I see what strong people they are now, but I realize, deep down inside do they still have that soft core, that five year old, that their parents grabbed ahold of all those years back and never let go? No, not entirely. If it wasn't for friends, they'd be completely hardened - now that's a problem. But it's not a problem really, and it's not a sad life. It's a fine life, some would even say their discipline, determination, drive, and ability to live on their own would be much more appealing than my humor, my sense of fun, and my sense of life is life, let it be what it is.
Looking back, I realize there are certain things that came out of it after all that wasn't too bad. When my friends are completely stumped as to what is what at an event, location, place, anything - they always ask me if they should do this, or if it's ok if they do that. I have completely no idea, but I'm the only one willing to go up to the staff or authoratitive person and ask them. Even if my friends don't because they feel it's a stupid question, or if they feel they are wasting the person's time- who gives a flying fuck, it's their goddamn job to help us. I've also had friends take that theory too far, as in, it's ok to throw garbage on the floor, it's the janitor's job to clean it up. I don't think to that extreme, a certain level of respect is a must, since it's crucial to fostering a relationship with the person in charge in the sense that, you respect my business and my work, and I'll get you what you need.
Maybe I would be stronger today than I am now if I wasn't hearing impaired, and I mean that in both the physical and mental way. I fully believe that maybe isn't really a maybe but an actuality. If I wasn't hearing impaired, I would have grown up to become a strong, independent, confident, and determined individual. I wouldn't expect shit to be handed to me, and I would expect to work for everything. I'm slowly learning that the hard way, and trust me, the hard way is harder in college than it is in middle school. Be ready for a shit ton of bricks to hit you hard, so hard the air gets knocked clear out of your lungs (don't worry, your hemoglobin is saturated with enough oxygen to keep you alive while you get your wind back). But also don't panic and realize this simple fact (because it applies to you too - and by you I mean primarily the kids like me, but to everyone else who feels that college is demanding a change in lifestyle and it's goddamn hard) - whether or not i'm a strong and confident individual now or a few years down the line. When I'm dead, I'm the same either way. And to put it more in depth, when I'm about to die, I'll be what I am, whether or not I changed in middle school, college, or halfway through college.
Enjoy life, grow some balls, and stop worrying so much about other people - life is limited, you don't want to live yours wishing you had worked up the courage to stand up for yourself and do things your way instead of waiting for someone to say it's ok for you to do it.
And yes, I know, trust me, I KNOW, that it's hard, and that you can't help it. Neither can I; but you have my word, as soon as I figure out how to overcome it, you'll be the first to know.
25.1.09
Who? Why? For? 4?!
So I got to thinking, this was a blog yes, as you can see, it says blogger at the top. You probably typed a link or clicked on a link with the word blogspot.com in it, so it most obviously is a blog. Tee hee, don't you admire dry humor?
But why is this blog here? Is it a means for me to channel my feelings in hope that the "drudgery of everyday life will lift like the fog in the mist"? Or is it a springboard for a future book perhaps? Or is it, as I've always said, a perspective on a life for someone who's on the outside and wants to look in, or a perspective from someone on the inside who wants to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings of frustrations, loopholes, and dead ends? If so, everything is so particular, hence the title "Who? Why? For?"
There's a number of people this book could be for, and there are a number of topics I wanted to write down to remember to expand on in the future, but I forgot that list of topics... It came to me one night just as I was falling asleep, and it was a great list.
But if we were to look at who could potentially gain from this book:
A Professor teaching a class on disabilities, perhaps someone who wants to engage in fun reading instead of dry boring slow reading.
Family members of the author, and with books being scanned and put online nowadays, they may have to pay for their own copy instead of getting it free, but don't worry, I'll sign it - no problemo.
Children who are considered Deaf, but this book doesn't really offer them any perspective on life, I have severe-to profound hearing loss in my right ear, and profound in my left. I'm not entirely deaf without my hearing aids, but I'm deaf enough. However children who are Deaf have an extremely helpful community (hence the capital D in Deaf) full of support and love, and I'd encourage anyone of them to get involved if they haven't already.
Children with hearing loss or impairment - but then this is such a vague topic, perhaps this book will be helpful for that teen who may have just gotten hearing loss in his later teens, and he's going through a tough time dealing with new emotions and frustrations, this book could definitely give him perspective on how his life will be and how he can adapt. But what about the child born with it? Just like me, he might already know how the story plays out, but maybe he'll learn the transition from middle to high school, to college, and so on with all the wonderful tasty little delights in between. Maybe he'll have a life, or a shed a tear, he'll say haha, I'm lucky that it's not like this, or maybe he'll say I wish my friends would be like that. Maybe it'd be a good book for him to read, or maybe it may be a sad book.
This is all unknown territory for me, and it's very scary. But if I had to promise one thing, it's this much - I'll try to experience everything I can, so the sooner I can write it, the sooner I can publish this book, and the shorter it'll be.
Would you read a book on someone who catalogs his first 22 years of life, or his first 100 years of life? There's a big difference in the fatness of that book.
Oh and incase you were wondering, other than students, I don't think many non-hearing impaired kids will buy this book... They might just take it off the internet. If you are reading this book and you are reading this passage, don't feel like you wasted your money, I promise to make the cover so goddamn awesome it'll include a coaster for when you put it on your coffee table.
But why is this blog here? Is it a means for me to channel my feelings in hope that the "drudgery of everyday life will lift like the fog in the mist"? Or is it a springboard for a future book perhaps? Or is it, as I've always said, a perspective on a life for someone who's on the outside and wants to look in, or a perspective from someone on the inside who wants to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings of frustrations, loopholes, and dead ends? If so, everything is so particular, hence the title "Who? Why? For?"
There's a number of people this book could be for, and there are a number of topics I wanted to write down to remember to expand on in the future, but I forgot that list of topics... It came to me one night just as I was falling asleep, and it was a great list.
But if we were to look at who could potentially gain from this book:
A Professor teaching a class on disabilities, perhaps someone who wants to engage in fun reading instead of dry boring slow reading.
Family members of the author, and with books being scanned and put online nowadays, they may have to pay for their own copy instead of getting it free, but don't worry, I'll sign it - no problemo.
Children who are considered Deaf, but this book doesn't really offer them any perspective on life, I have severe-to profound hearing loss in my right ear, and profound in my left. I'm not entirely deaf without my hearing aids, but I'm deaf enough. However children who are Deaf have an extremely helpful community (hence the capital D in Deaf) full of support and love, and I'd encourage anyone of them to get involved if they haven't already.
Children with hearing loss or impairment - but then this is such a vague topic, perhaps this book will be helpful for that teen who may have just gotten hearing loss in his later teens, and he's going through a tough time dealing with new emotions and frustrations, this book could definitely give him perspective on how his life will be and how he can adapt. But what about the child born with it? Just like me, he might already know how the story plays out, but maybe he'll learn the transition from middle to high school, to college, and so on with all the wonderful tasty little delights in between. Maybe he'll have a life, or a shed a tear, he'll say haha, I'm lucky that it's not like this, or maybe he'll say I wish my friends would be like that. Maybe it'd be a good book for him to read, or maybe it may be a sad book.
This is all unknown territory for me, and it's very scary. But if I had to promise one thing, it's this much - I'll try to experience everything I can, so the sooner I can write it, the sooner I can publish this book, and the shorter it'll be.
Would you read a book on someone who catalogs his first 22 years of life, or his first 100 years of life? There's a big difference in the fatness of that book.
Oh and incase you were wondering, other than students, I don't think many non-hearing impaired kids will buy this book... They might just take it off the internet. If you are reading this book and you are reading this passage, don't feel like you wasted your money, I promise to make the cover so goddamn awesome it'll include a coaster for when you put it on your coffee table.
22.1.09
Age
So I was interested in seeing if the livingwithhearingloss.blogspot.com was really taken and it was, and he bought up a couple of interesting points. Even though he only wrote three short things, and he wasn't born with it, and his posts were boring, it was a decent blog. (Not to toot my own horn, but, hey you know, my fingers do magical things)
He mentioned that there was something like 30 million people with hearing loss (ok, it's just a number, that number means jack shit to us, it doesn't put things in perspective, we are visual animals, unless we see, feel, or taste something, words do nothing for us) But he mentioned the number was getting higher because of baby boomers hitting their 60s.
I have nothing against people of age with hearing loss, at all. But what frustrates me is people of age with a hearing loss who complain they have it hard. I mean, it hits them like a sack of wet bricks - being hearing impaired sucks - bottom line. Why the bricks were wet, I don't know, but it sounded much more brutal, eh? Anyways, yes, being hearing impaired does suck, but don't go so far as to say, hey we have it hard, give us benefits or bonuses. You think you have it hard? At an age where you are stereotypically NOT supposed to hear well, people kind of expect the whole "senile" way of life you're about to embark on. And pardon my use of the word senile, it's so very stereotypical but it's the best fit. You try dealing with what you have towards the end of your life, after all is said and done, for the entirety of your life. Yeah, I'm glad you gain the perspective, and I feel for you, I really do, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, ever. But don't tell me you have it hard, instead, how about instead of channeling your energy into how life is difficult as you age, channel it into making life better and more understood for the young kids.
I am 19 now, I am by no means an old fart (although I feel it, a 5 year old in a 19 year olds body - oh and ladies, don't worry, I have the sex drive of a 19 year old) but I've been dealing with it for 17 years. That magic formula, I recieved my hearing aids at 2, so take however many years I am old and subtract 2. That's the amount of time I've spent with hearing aids. But, hey, it's a number, and lest I be a hypocrite, that number means jack shit to you. Ok, how bout this, take some cotton balls, put enough into your left ear that you can barely hear anything, you know there's a sound, but you don't know what it's saying or where it's coming from. In your right ear, put enough so everything sounds kinda muffled, like when you get to the point where if you know the subject matter, you kinda can tell what they are saying, but if they say random things, you have no idea what they are saying. Once you're there, imagine that - for 17 years. Yeah, good luck with that experiment, and please don't attempt it, by the time those 17 years are up, i'll have a whole nother 17 years on you, and you'll have to outlive me by 17 years to finish it. And I plan on living a long time. But those are just words, that long doesn't mean anything to you does it? Well I'll put it this way, the way technology is going, we have two paths. Soon everyone will be hearing impaired from the extremely loud noises we generate, or everyone will have crystalline hearing because all the sounds of entertainment will be channeled directly to your auditory inputs without causing the physical damage on your ossicles or ear drum. (Hey neurologists, don't you dare touch that, I want that experiment to myself in 9 or so years from now - and for those of you who hear of it down the line, don't forget who thought it first).
Yeah I'll cut this short, short by relative means, but still long by general means. And short like, well, shorts short enough that you can see that old man's balls dangling out the side. Yeah, that short.
He mentioned that there was something like 30 million people with hearing loss (ok, it's just a number, that number means jack shit to us, it doesn't put things in perspective, we are visual animals, unless we see, feel, or taste something, words do nothing for us) But he mentioned the number was getting higher because of baby boomers hitting their 60s.
I have nothing against people of age with hearing loss, at all. But what frustrates me is people of age with a hearing loss who complain they have it hard. I mean, it hits them like a sack of wet bricks - being hearing impaired sucks - bottom line. Why the bricks were wet, I don't know, but it sounded much more brutal, eh? Anyways, yes, being hearing impaired does suck, but don't go so far as to say, hey we have it hard, give us benefits or bonuses. You think you have it hard? At an age where you are stereotypically NOT supposed to hear well, people kind of expect the whole "senile" way of life you're about to embark on. And pardon my use of the word senile, it's so very stereotypical but it's the best fit. You try dealing with what you have towards the end of your life, after all is said and done, for the entirety of your life. Yeah, I'm glad you gain the perspective, and I feel for you, I really do, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, ever. But don't tell me you have it hard, instead, how about instead of channeling your energy into how life is difficult as you age, channel it into making life better and more understood for the young kids.
I am 19 now, I am by no means an old fart (although I feel it, a 5 year old in a 19 year olds body - oh and ladies, don't worry, I have the sex drive of a 19 year old) but I've been dealing with it for 17 years. That magic formula, I recieved my hearing aids at 2, so take however many years I am old and subtract 2. That's the amount of time I've spent with hearing aids. But, hey, it's a number, and lest I be a hypocrite, that number means jack shit to you. Ok, how bout this, take some cotton balls, put enough into your left ear that you can barely hear anything, you know there's a sound, but you don't know what it's saying or where it's coming from. In your right ear, put enough so everything sounds kinda muffled, like when you get to the point where if you know the subject matter, you kinda can tell what they are saying, but if they say random things, you have no idea what they are saying. Once you're there, imagine that - for 17 years. Yeah, good luck with that experiment, and please don't attempt it, by the time those 17 years are up, i'll have a whole nother 17 years on you, and you'll have to outlive me by 17 years to finish it. And I plan on living a long time. But those are just words, that long doesn't mean anything to you does it? Well I'll put it this way, the way technology is going, we have two paths. Soon everyone will be hearing impaired from the extremely loud noises we generate, or everyone will have crystalline hearing because all the sounds of entertainment will be channeled directly to your auditory inputs without causing the physical damage on your ossicles or ear drum. (Hey neurologists, don't you dare touch that, I want that experiment to myself in 9 or so years from now - and for those of you who hear of it down the line, don't forget who thought it first).
Yeah I'll cut this short, short by relative means, but still long by general means. And short like, well, shorts short enough that you can see that old man's balls dangling out the side. Yeah, that short.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
