Touching People - Appropriately

July 20th, 2009 - 12:09 am
Consider this an extension of the nicety post, but with some extra spice added to it.

Like I mentioned before, I think I'm a nice guy, even to the point where I feel I am way too nice sometimes. People always say, oh you're a nice guy and all, but no one ever seems to really really appreciate how nice I am, albeit a special few. And the reason why I'm being conceited on this point is because I rarely ever see anyone do anything as nice or as above and beyond what a normal person would do. The reason I'm bringing this up is because, I feel like it makes a difference in their lives if you can just make it that much easier for them - it may be such a small amount, something as simple as a small sentence, or something as grandiose as a generous gesture with nothing expected in return and nothing asked of you to do. I don't expect an overtly large thank you, a simple thank you will suffice. But to then turn around and act like a complete asshole to me? No, I mean, that's just complete bullshit.

I don't drink, one of the reasons why I don't drink is because I don't like myself when I'm drunk. The old childhood me comes out, the one that was bossy, commandeering, loud and aggressive. Mind you, aggressive and mean towards others are two different things. I was always still nice and grateful, but I was slightly more obnoxious than normal. Another reason is because I believe it's genuinely bad for you to drink, no matter what the reason is. One with a meal, and if you keep it to 2 a week at the very very very most - it's fine. But college parties definition of drinking - is not fine. And I've seen it on three counts three nights in a row. So, good old sober Darryl, as nice as he can be, dealing with a bunch of drunk people. Obviously I stick out like a sore thumb, I'm straight and they are weaving and bobbing all over the place talking about whatever it is they talk about in their own beer language... Of course I get stuck helping these people, and as you may or may not know, drunk people aren't necessarily the most appreciative, or thoughtful of people. That's fine with me, but to deal with it 3 nights in a row is a bit too much. Suffice to say I've reached my snapping point and that's why I'm here, in a room with the door locked and my hearing aid out. I can't deal with this shit anymore.

I so badly want to touch people's lives. I want them to feel better emotionally after they spend time with me, after a conversation I want them to feel better about themselves. I so badly want everyone to be as happy as I am. (most of the time) But there are times when I'm not happy, and I hate it so much. It's those times I wish I had someone to uplift my spirits, but that's what I've spent my entire life building up - being that guy to uplift someone's spirits when they are down. It doesn't always work, sure, but it's honestly the only thing that keeps me going as happy as I am - is knowing that I'm spreading happiness. But when I do try to help people, or to cheer them up and they just turn around and act completely against me, no matter how jokingly, enough times is going to make me feel like I'm hitting a stone wall. And I just get depleted. The only thing keeping me happy, is seeing how fulfilled I can make others.

Why, then, am I this way? Why am I so goddamn obsessed with making people enjoy themselves more and have a better fuller life? I could draw a theory to my hearing loss, and that's exactly what I will do. Whenever I was young, I was always upset about my hearing loss, i was a bossy child and my friends slowly drifted away from me because I was freaked out about not having things go the way I wanted them to. That meant that I would probably miss out on the 'plan change' because I couldn't hear it. So, there was little Darryl, down in the dumps, who considered suicide as an option. (A long time ago, a time that passed and that I'm over) And I never had anyone come to me to make me feel better. Sure I had my parents and my family, but I only saw them so much, and I couldn't possibly expect them to spend 24/7 with me. And with my friends drifting away, I was spending more and more time with myself, thinking about nothing else but how goddamn frustrated I was to be hearing impaired. I sat in my room moping, oh I'm hearing impaired and I'll never hear what they say, so I'm not going to even bother. Slowly I started spending more and more time with people, becoming much more reserved - more the listener and not the talker, more the follower and not the leader. I was afraid of losing them again to bossiness, I realized I couldn't control everything, and I didn't want to control even the littlest bit because I was afraid I'd miss some fundamental fact and I'd do everything wrongly.

But as I spent more and more time with people, I realized we all have problems, we all have sorrow, and to know what it feels like to be in immense sorrow, I just didn't want to let anyone else go through that, at least not without knowing they have a friend. I had stopped becoming the loud voice, and became the strong ear. I would always listen to anyone's problems, no matter how long, stupid, or boring they were. Whether they were simple problems, or incredibly complex problems - I listened. There was nothing more powerful than saying your piece and working your problem vocally, especially with someone listening and offering a different perspective on things. It was what I did, it is what I do.

It's tiring, and it's starting to get on my nerves. When do I get to speak again? I spoke for 8 years, then I stopped for 12. And now the people who I listen to, on what seems to be years and years on end, never listen to me. Talking back is either talking to a brick wall, a texting phone, or someone who wants to bring something up about themselves again. No one listens to my voice anymore. Years and years of suppressing my voice because it never had anything to say that was relevant (since it never knew what was relevant) has not only left me hearing impaired, but it's left me silent. Good, they're happy, they feel better. But what about me? The amount of happiness I get from helping other people slowly is diminishing as those people are not turning around to help me in my minor times of need.

I'm hearing impaired, I don't follow what's being said in a group very well, and while I hear them I don't understand them. I do better when I'm talking to one other person, about casual things. Then when it's just one person talking and I don't have to say much I listen the best, and I hear the best. But when I'm talking I don't think I can hear myself anymore, no one else seems to either.