Random Acts of Kindness

I would like to consider myself a nice guy. I mean to say, I feel that I may not be as good hearted as I would like to be, but there are things that I will do sometimes that I wouldn't expect to see in return. Simple things, like going out of my way to help people, or helping people when I just don't want to, but I feel that everyone does those kind of things, and I'm not entirely sure if it's just me or what. But I suppose I get in return what I give, and if I really thought about it, I'd feel like saying that whenever I do a lot of nice things something goes well for me, but that's just because I'm thinking about it and not because that's actually what happens. Then again, I really am not a nice person, or at least I think that because of the many things I think and say about people. A genuinely nice person wouldn't bad mouth someone else would he? I have, so I can't possibly be the extremely nice person everyone has made me out to be.

But if, and that's a big if, I am the person that everyone has said I am, why? Why do I do unneccesary things, that people wouldn't normally do, without prompt, without cause? I've often wondered sometimes, after I do something, why did I just go ahead and do that, when that person didn't even ask me for my help? I've always wondered about it, and thought maybe it was because I was hearing impaired, and maybe because I had gone through a lot in life I would want to make it easier for other people, just as I would want it to be easier for me. But that NEVER works out, never being 99%. I always expect people to help me out a certain way, and they never do unless I ask them. Sometimes they can't at all, and of course, me being the way I am, really, honestly, don't care that they can't help me. I've never liked asking for help, so I've always just helped people since I assumed they didn't like asking for help.

But does my hearing loss have anything to do with the acts of kindness or the fact that I don't like asking for help? Let's look at the first; when I first thought of this subject, I thought that maybe I was nice because a friend of mine was so nice to me I didn't understand why. And somehow, someway, that changed me. It's such a stupid story, but it deals with pokémon cards. I stole his, a month later they found out I had it, I gave it back. I stole it again, and they called that day and got it back. Now mind you, this is my best friend - not the nicest thing to do back in 3rd grade. But he eventually traded me that card for another one of my cards that I didn't care about at all. That trade, caused him to get another card that I really wanted. Now, I didn't steal this one, but it made me think. He went through all that trouble, didn't care that I stole it, was willing to let me have it basically, and ended up with the better deal. This was amazing, this was karma, this was like finding the statue of the fat golden man on top of the tallest mountain. But I never made a concious effort to change after that moment, I just kinda did, gradually. I think I was selfish, and even though I still am to this day (oh god, I am selfish beyond belief) I manage to put other people before me, and I honestly have not a care in the world about how other people use, or abuse, my help - as long as I can help them, I'm happy.

I'm honestly glad that I am the way I am now about this whole situation.. As I talk about it, life is simple, life is happy, life is carefree. As I type this, I am sitting on my porch, with my iTunes going, and it is the most beautiful day we've had in awhile (summer's starting, woo) There is really nothing better than this moment right here, the birds singing the graceful melody, the trees gently swaying in the most perfect summer breeze, the sun light just barely peeks through the leaves as it sets, casting a lush golden glow on the trees, grass, sky. Such a perfect moment, and it really is the best thing in life. I could be insided playing video games as i have been all summer (when I'm not working) but this is just so much better, and by sitting here doing nothing, I've never felt more alive. As long as I can sit here anytime I want, I don't really care what people expect of me, and I don't care if they need my help or not. I want people to be happy because I already am - eventhough I don't know it all the time...

I hate asking for help, I really do, the last thing I want to seem like is an imposition. But people tell me I'm not imposing, even though I genuinely feel like I am. It bothers me so much, that when I ask someone for help, and something gets done faster, it doesn't feel as satisyfing as if I had done it by myself and struggled. And not satisfying as in the sense of, I accomplished this myself, but satisfying in the sense that I won't feel comfortable with myself if I feel like I've imposed. So I never ask for help, since I constantly feel like I'm imposing. The only people who seem to be exempt to this is are my parents, only because, well they kinda have to and I'm no imposition to them. But I've never understood why I absolutely hated the feeling of imposition, and the feeling that I'd be making someone do something they dont' wanna do. Which is why someone goes out of their way to help me, and I've never asked them, I don't feel as bad, and so this is why I do it myself. The last thing I want is anyone to feel like they've imposed upon me.

Also, I don't think this has much to do with my hearing loss, because, as far as other hearing impaired people go, I haven't exactly been the perfect gentleman. I behave towards them, just as the rest of society does, and this is because I was raised in a mainstream society. It's only been, 6 or so years that I've started really helping people with hearing loss or in the same situation as I am in. It took me a while as I was a kid to realize that other people with hearing aids were the same as me. And those with more severe hearing losses and profound accents, they got made fun of, even while I was standing there, and I genuinely felt bad. This was a turn around for me, why would my friends make fun of someone with hearing loss when I'm standing right there with them? Such is a topic for another time.

The main theme I see here? Do unto others as you wish done unto yourself. Such a good statement to live by, but it's hard in this society where no one wants to seemingly do anything so far as to give you the time of day. In fact, I've heard way too many stories about people trying to get helped getting nothing but negativity in return, and that worries me. Where are we going as a society? Thankfully there are still people who are genuinely nice, showing that we still have a shred of humanity left. And hopefully, even to my old age, I can get to that point, and stop being corrupted by society's ways of influencing me to be 'mean.'