As a person with a hearing loss, you deal with people who start off by giving you no respect, at all. It's a simple fact of life, and even if you don't notice it, it's there. It's as subconscious as racism - a study done showed that people placed in an MRI showed a heightened sense of fear or worry when shown a picture of a black male in street clothes as opposed to a white male in a suit. As much as you want to say, "I'm not racist, or I believe everyone is the same," it's nearly impossible, at least for the majority, to actually mean it on a subconscious level.
Unfortunately, the same applies for a person with a hearing loss. It is the very notion of someone using a machine to assist them, something not natural that allows someone to label someone with a hearing loss as less than a person. It is a goddamn shame that I have to realize this, and it's a goddamn shame that it happens. On a subconscious level, I start at 0, and have to work my way up, whereas everyone else starts at 10, and goes down depending on behavior. My Biology teacher has me and a student with a mental disability in his class. Of course he assumed I was like the person with a mental disability; he assumed and completely set me off. His attitude towards the accommodations was a bit disheartening. It took me 2 classes to make him, and the rest of the class, realize that hey, you know, I'm normal. As normal as you, and you, and even you.
Then again, I say to myself maybe there isn't a subconscious level to all of this nonsense, maybe it's just me. And is it me that leads people to go, oh Darryl, uh yeah, let's try to make him feel included but not actually give him anything important? Is it me you can ignore and pretend I don't notice, is it me that you think I can't fucking hear you when I act like anyone else would have? You know, I don't know if normal people do this, but if someone says something completely obnoxious when you are on your last nerve, you just smile, chuckle, shrug it off and ignore them right? Do you know how much it hurts when I do that, and as I walk down the hallway, I hear them talking about how I can't hear shit? That, really, fucking, hurts.
There are days when I'm sick of it all, when I realize I have a lot of work, and I do that work, but then I also have fun relieving that stress by playing with my friends, only to find that my friends aren't really my friends anymore; but merely acquaintances. Then what do I have to fall back on? I got so used to spending time with people now, that I've really opened up, but now what happens when I open up too much and people all of the sudden are turned off? For whatever odd reason, people who acted like I was cool and a great guy, just suddenly act like they are sick of me or they think less of me. Then what do I have to fall back on? I spent my entire freshman year trying to learn how to spend free time with other people, that my 'loner' way of life from high school is completely gone. Rarely there are times I wish I hadn't given up that livelihood. If I'm by myself or with people I don't know online, who is there to judge me? No one can judge me for being hearing impaired, no one judges me that way, at all, because they simply don't. I used to be attached to the computer, because there I was me. Here, on planet Earth, I'm Darryl, the hearing impaired kid.
There are plenty of times when I'm glad I came to my senses and started branching out to people, but there are fewer times when I wish I hadn't left the safety of my own world, the mundane, boring, going nowhere, with no fears world. Those few times come on strong, mainly because I was there, and I know how comfortable it was. I have yet to fully branch out, to fully immerse myself socially, and I have yet to get there, to see how it is. The feelings are strong, but the reasoning is stronger, telling me not to slip back into nothing; and it was essentially a world of nothing, no judgment, no friends, no relationship, no social aspect, no fun. It was day-in, day-out getting through without anyone judging you. Great, we've established I choose reasoning over comfort now, but back to the main point, what to do when you listen to reasoning, and there's just no one there to respect you back?
What sucks the most is, I have respect for absolutely everyone when I'm talking to them. I may not think highly of them, or I may not enjoy their company, but at least I respect all of them to their face. Ever hear of the expression "talking behind his back"? Yeah I'm familiar with that term, rarely am I guilty of it. I'll talk about someone, but not when they are there. Get this, people do that about me, but not behind my back, it's in front of my face. And I'm Darryl, the hearing impaired kid, not like I'm going to hear them.
9.2.09
8.2.09
The Million Dollar Question
In reference to "Better Off" I should close with this question.
Do you live your life asking why, or saying why not?
Ok, that made a lot more sense when I was falling asleep. It has no relevance at all to better off, and I think a more appropriate way of asking it is:
Do you live your life asking permission and waiting timidly, or do you do what you want to do and answer the questions of life instead of ask them?
Do you live your life asking why, or saying why not?
Ok, that made a lot more sense when I was falling asleep. It has no relevance at all to better off, and I think a more appropriate way of asking it is:
Do you live your life asking permission and waiting timidly, or do you do what you want to do and answer the questions of life instead of ask them?
7.2.09
Better Off?
I love my parents, I really do. If I could go back and change anything they did, I'd change nothing.
But the one thing that always nags at me in the back of my head, is would I have been better off as a kid with normal hearing loss? There are obvious things that a parent must do differently with a child who has a profound hearing loss and must use hearing aids. There are certain responsibilities the child must learn earlier on, and there are certain simple joys the child may never get to experience. Singing in the rain being one of them, we can sing, we can walk in the rain, we just can't hear ourself singing in the rain if we wanted to. We learn early on that dry is better, and we shy away from any instance or circumstance that may get us wet, because even the smallest amount of moisture falling on our hearing aids sets back our hearing ten fold, and our bank account even more.
Besides raising a child to be cautious about a very serious piece of equipment, there comes another obvious point, and that's the point of independence. I have yet to hear of a hearing impaired child whose parents did NOT attend to them almost every minute of every day. I have seen parents who, otherwise, would have raised their child differently, but upon discovering their child's hearing loss, they become different parents altogether. They become more attentive, more focused, more educated, and much much more worried. It is this observation that leads me to think, would I have been different without hearing loss?
As a child I was spoiled, yes I admit it, I was a spoiled little boy. My every whim, my every wish was met, could I have milk, could I have cookies, just three? no, more, just a few more minutes (every 10 minutes) and I'll go to sleep. Is it because my parents are very relaxed (yes, because quite honestly, a few more cookies doesn't do much harm, and a few more minutes doesn't really matter) but it's still important to hit home the important life lessons. A few more cookies breeds a bigger snack capacity, that will never stop growing. A few more minutes before bedtime breeds a lifetime of pushing I should go to sleep now back until it's I can't keep my eyes open.
Whether or not I was hearing impaired, I feel that would have turned out to be the same as I was growing up, however, the way I went about those few extra cookies, or the longer bedtime when I was finally on my own hinges on something else far more different than an allowance. And that difference comes from dependency. There is much concern circling a hearing impaired child as he attempts to face a school full of normal hearing children. There is much concern surrounding a child with hearing loss and enabling him to develop near perfect speech earlier on. There is obvious worry involving a child with hearing loss and whether or not he's safe enough to walk to school without getting run over or hearing an obvious attacker. All of these were issues I had to deal with, all of them my parents helped me deal with them. It took me awhile before I even worked up enough confidence in myself, in my simple ability, to order food. I was always worried I was going to mess up an order because I couldn't hear. It wasn't that the waiter or waitress couldn't hear what I was going to order, but always that I couldn't hear the pen scribbling on the pad or something. It was always the fact that I couldn't hear that I worried about talking to the right authorative person about personal needs I had regarding education, it was always my mother that I needed, that I relied on, that I came to understand - anything you need done, mommy can do it, because I can't hear.
I don't wish anything was different, like I said. I'm learning all the things that maybe I wish I learned earlier on, I'm learning now and I'm happy. Would it have made a difference? Maybe, maybe I'd be more disciplined, and I'd be further ahead with what I'm doing now, but at this point it doesn't make a difference. I've started it, and whether I'm only 7 months in or 2 years, doesn't matter, I'm seeing it to the finish.
But if I wasn't hearing impaired, would I have learned earlier on that I could call people without worrying about having to ask them to repeat? Would I have learned that if I needed anything, I could go up to a person of position and inquire as to how they can help me - and to that matter, would I have needed help in school if it wasn't for my hearing loss? The answer to that one is an obvious yes, since everything I did outside of going to school, going to class, and going home was all involved with my hearing loss. I would have developed a stronger sense of independence, and maybe a stronger sense of confidence earlier on. There are still a few things keeping my confidence low, and only half of that is really due to hearing loss even though it is slowly diminishing. The other half I'm certain would still be here regardless. And that is a speed bump, quite literally, that I'll have to get over sometime in the future.
Maybe I'd have learned independence earlier on, and while I wish I had - I have friends who knew how to get themselves to school and back home without any problems, and who were capable of making their own meals if need be. And I see what strong people they are now, but I realize, deep down inside do they still have that soft core, that five year old, that their parents grabbed ahold of all those years back and never let go? No, not entirely. If it wasn't for friends, they'd be completely hardened - now that's a problem. But it's not a problem really, and it's not a sad life. It's a fine life, some would even say their discipline, determination, drive, and ability to live on their own would be much more appealing than my humor, my sense of fun, and my sense of life is life, let it be what it is.
Looking back, I realize there are certain things that came out of it after all that wasn't too bad. When my friends are completely stumped as to what is what at an event, location, place, anything - they always ask me if they should do this, or if it's ok if they do that. I have completely no idea, but I'm the only one willing to go up to the staff or authoratitive person and ask them. Even if my friends don't because they feel it's a stupid question, or if they feel they are wasting the person's time- who gives a flying fuck, it's their goddamn job to help us. I've also had friends take that theory too far, as in, it's ok to throw garbage on the floor, it's the janitor's job to clean it up. I don't think to that extreme, a certain level of respect is a must, since it's crucial to fostering a relationship with the person in charge in the sense that, you respect my business and my work, and I'll get you what you need.
Maybe I would be stronger today than I am now if I wasn't hearing impaired, and I mean that in both the physical and mental way. I fully believe that maybe isn't really a maybe but an actuality. If I wasn't hearing impaired, I would have grown up to become a strong, independent, confident, and determined individual. I wouldn't expect shit to be handed to me, and I would expect to work for everything. I'm slowly learning that the hard way, and trust me, the hard way is harder in college than it is in middle school. Be ready for a shit ton of bricks to hit you hard, so hard the air gets knocked clear out of your lungs (don't worry, your hemoglobin is saturated with enough oxygen to keep you alive while you get your wind back). But also don't panic and realize this simple fact (because it applies to you too - and by you I mean primarily the kids like me, but to everyone else who feels that college is demanding a change in lifestyle and it's goddamn hard) - whether or not i'm a strong and confident individual now or a few years down the line. When I'm dead, I'm the same either way. And to put it more in depth, when I'm about to die, I'll be what I am, whether or not I changed in middle school, college, or halfway through college.
Enjoy life, grow some balls, and stop worrying so much about other people - life is limited, you don't want to live yours wishing you had worked up the courage to stand up for yourself and do things your way instead of waiting for someone to say it's ok for you to do it.
And yes, I know, trust me, I KNOW, that it's hard, and that you can't help it. Neither can I; but you have my word, as soon as I figure out how to overcome it, you'll be the first to know.
But the one thing that always nags at me in the back of my head, is would I have been better off as a kid with normal hearing loss? There are obvious things that a parent must do differently with a child who has a profound hearing loss and must use hearing aids. There are certain responsibilities the child must learn earlier on, and there are certain simple joys the child may never get to experience. Singing in the rain being one of them, we can sing, we can walk in the rain, we just can't hear ourself singing in the rain if we wanted to. We learn early on that dry is better, and we shy away from any instance or circumstance that may get us wet, because even the smallest amount of moisture falling on our hearing aids sets back our hearing ten fold, and our bank account even more.
Besides raising a child to be cautious about a very serious piece of equipment, there comes another obvious point, and that's the point of independence. I have yet to hear of a hearing impaired child whose parents did NOT attend to them almost every minute of every day. I have seen parents who, otherwise, would have raised their child differently, but upon discovering their child's hearing loss, they become different parents altogether. They become more attentive, more focused, more educated, and much much more worried. It is this observation that leads me to think, would I have been different without hearing loss?
As a child I was spoiled, yes I admit it, I was a spoiled little boy. My every whim, my every wish was met, could I have milk, could I have cookies, just three? no, more, just a few more minutes (every 10 minutes) and I'll go to sleep. Is it because my parents are very relaxed (yes, because quite honestly, a few more cookies doesn't do much harm, and a few more minutes doesn't really matter) but it's still important to hit home the important life lessons. A few more cookies breeds a bigger snack capacity, that will never stop growing. A few more minutes before bedtime breeds a lifetime of pushing I should go to sleep now back until it's I can't keep my eyes open.
Whether or not I was hearing impaired, I feel that would have turned out to be the same as I was growing up, however, the way I went about those few extra cookies, or the longer bedtime when I was finally on my own hinges on something else far more different than an allowance. And that difference comes from dependency. There is much concern circling a hearing impaired child as he attempts to face a school full of normal hearing children. There is much concern surrounding a child with hearing loss and enabling him to develop near perfect speech earlier on. There is obvious worry involving a child with hearing loss and whether or not he's safe enough to walk to school without getting run over or hearing an obvious attacker. All of these were issues I had to deal with, all of them my parents helped me deal with them. It took me awhile before I even worked up enough confidence in myself, in my simple ability, to order food. I was always worried I was going to mess up an order because I couldn't hear. It wasn't that the waiter or waitress couldn't hear what I was going to order, but always that I couldn't hear the pen scribbling on the pad or something. It was always the fact that I couldn't hear that I worried about talking to the right authorative person about personal needs I had regarding education, it was always my mother that I needed, that I relied on, that I came to understand - anything you need done, mommy can do it, because I can't hear.
I don't wish anything was different, like I said. I'm learning all the things that maybe I wish I learned earlier on, I'm learning now and I'm happy. Would it have made a difference? Maybe, maybe I'd be more disciplined, and I'd be further ahead with what I'm doing now, but at this point it doesn't make a difference. I've started it, and whether I'm only 7 months in or 2 years, doesn't matter, I'm seeing it to the finish.
But if I wasn't hearing impaired, would I have learned earlier on that I could call people without worrying about having to ask them to repeat? Would I have learned that if I needed anything, I could go up to a person of position and inquire as to how they can help me - and to that matter, would I have needed help in school if it wasn't for my hearing loss? The answer to that one is an obvious yes, since everything I did outside of going to school, going to class, and going home was all involved with my hearing loss. I would have developed a stronger sense of independence, and maybe a stronger sense of confidence earlier on. There are still a few things keeping my confidence low, and only half of that is really due to hearing loss even though it is slowly diminishing. The other half I'm certain would still be here regardless. And that is a speed bump, quite literally, that I'll have to get over sometime in the future.
Maybe I'd have learned independence earlier on, and while I wish I had - I have friends who knew how to get themselves to school and back home without any problems, and who were capable of making their own meals if need be. And I see what strong people they are now, but I realize, deep down inside do they still have that soft core, that five year old, that their parents grabbed ahold of all those years back and never let go? No, not entirely. If it wasn't for friends, they'd be completely hardened - now that's a problem. But it's not a problem really, and it's not a sad life. It's a fine life, some would even say their discipline, determination, drive, and ability to live on their own would be much more appealing than my humor, my sense of fun, and my sense of life is life, let it be what it is.
Looking back, I realize there are certain things that came out of it after all that wasn't too bad. When my friends are completely stumped as to what is what at an event, location, place, anything - they always ask me if they should do this, or if it's ok if they do that. I have completely no idea, but I'm the only one willing to go up to the staff or authoratitive person and ask them. Even if my friends don't because they feel it's a stupid question, or if they feel they are wasting the person's time- who gives a flying fuck, it's their goddamn job to help us. I've also had friends take that theory too far, as in, it's ok to throw garbage on the floor, it's the janitor's job to clean it up. I don't think to that extreme, a certain level of respect is a must, since it's crucial to fostering a relationship with the person in charge in the sense that, you respect my business and my work, and I'll get you what you need.
Maybe I would be stronger today than I am now if I wasn't hearing impaired, and I mean that in both the physical and mental way. I fully believe that maybe isn't really a maybe but an actuality. If I wasn't hearing impaired, I would have grown up to become a strong, independent, confident, and determined individual. I wouldn't expect shit to be handed to me, and I would expect to work for everything. I'm slowly learning that the hard way, and trust me, the hard way is harder in college than it is in middle school. Be ready for a shit ton of bricks to hit you hard, so hard the air gets knocked clear out of your lungs (don't worry, your hemoglobin is saturated with enough oxygen to keep you alive while you get your wind back). But also don't panic and realize this simple fact (because it applies to you too - and by you I mean primarily the kids like me, but to everyone else who feels that college is demanding a change in lifestyle and it's goddamn hard) - whether or not i'm a strong and confident individual now or a few years down the line. When I'm dead, I'm the same either way. And to put it more in depth, when I'm about to die, I'll be what I am, whether or not I changed in middle school, college, or halfway through college.
Enjoy life, grow some balls, and stop worrying so much about other people - life is limited, you don't want to live yours wishing you had worked up the courage to stand up for yourself and do things your way instead of waiting for someone to say it's ok for you to do it.
And yes, I know, trust me, I KNOW, that it's hard, and that you can't help it. Neither can I; but you have my word, as soon as I figure out how to overcome it, you'll be the first to know.
25.1.09
Who? Why? For? 4?!
So I got to thinking, this was a blog yes, as you can see, it says blogger at the top. You probably typed a link or clicked on a link with the word blogspot.com in it, so it most obviously is a blog. Tee hee, don't you admire dry humor?
But why is this blog here? Is it a means for me to channel my feelings in hope that the "drudgery of everyday life will lift like the fog in the mist"? Or is it a springboard for a future book perhaps? Or is it, as I've always said, a perspective on a life for someone who's on the outside and wants to look in, or a perspective from someone on the inside who wants to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings of frustrations, loopholes, and dead ends? If so, everything is so particular, hence the title "Who? Why? For?"
There's a number of people this book could be for, and there are a number of topics I wanted to write down to remember to expand on in the future, but I forgot that list of topics... It came to me one night just as I was falling asleep, and it was a great list.
But if we were to look at who could potentially gain from this book:
A Professor teaching a class on disabilities, perhaps someone who wants to engage in fun reading instead of dry boring slow reading.
Family members of the author, and with books being scanned and put online nowadays, they may have to pay for their own copy instead of getting it free, but don't worry, I'll sign it - no problemo.
Children who are considered Deaf, but this book doesn't really offer them any perspective on life, I have severe-to profound hearing loss in my right ear, and profound in my left. I'm not entirely deaf without my hearing aids, but I'm deaf enough. However children who are Deaf have an extremely helpful community (hence the capital D in Deaf) full of support and love, and I'd encourage anyone of them to get involved if they haven't already.
Children with hearing loss or impairment - but then this is such a vague topic, perhaps this book will be helpful for that teen who may have just gotten hearing loss in his later teens, and he's going through a tough time dealing with new emotions and frustrations, this book could definitely give him perspective on how his life will be and how he can adapt. But what about the child born with it? Just like me, he might already know how the story plays out, but maybe he'll learn the transition from middle to high school, to college, and so on with all the wonderful tasty little delights in between. Maybe he'll have a life, or a shed a tear, he'll say haha, I'm lucky that it's not like this, or maybe he'll say I wish my friends would be like that. Maybe it'd be a good book for him to read, or maybe it may be a sad book.
This is all unknown territory for me, and it's very scary. But if I had to promise one thing, it's this much - I'll try to experience everything I can, so the sooner I can write it, the sooner I can publish this book, and the shorter it'll be.
Would you read a book on someone who catalogs his first 22 years of life, or his first 100 years of life? There's a big difference in the fatness of that book.
Oh and incase you were wondering, other than students, I don't think many non-hearing impaired kids will buy this book... They might just take it off the internet. If you are reading this book and you are reading this passage, don't feel like you wasted your money, I promise to make the cover so goddamn awesome it'll include a coaster for when you put it on your coffee table.
But why is this blog here? Is it a means for me to channel my feelings in hope that the "drudgery of everyday life will lift like the fog in the mist"? Or is it a springboard for a future book perhaps? Or is it, as I've always said, a perspective on a life for someone who's on the outside and wants to look in, or a perspective from someone on the inside who wants to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings of frustrations, loopholes, and dead ends? If so, everything is so particular, hence the title "Who? Why? For?"
There's a number of people this book could be for, and there are a number of topics I wanted to write down to remember to expand on in the future, but I forgot that list of topics... It came to me one night just as I was falling asleep, and it was a great list.
But if we were to look at who could potentially gain from this book:
A Professor teaching a class on disabilities, perhaps someone who wants to engage in fun reading instead of dry boring slow reading.
Family members of the author, and with books being scanned and put online nowadays, they may have to pay for their own copy instead of getting it free, but don't worry, I'll sign it - no problemo.
Children who are considered Deaf, but this book doesn't really offer them any perspective on life, I have severe-to profound hearing loss in my right ear, and profound in my left. I'm not entirely deaf without my hearing aids, but I'm deaf enough. However children who are Deaf have an extremely helpful community (hence the capital D in Deaf) full of support and love, and I'd encourage anyone of them to get involved if they haven't already.
Children with hearing loss or impairment - but then this is such a vague topic, perhaps this book will be helpful for that teen who may have just gotten hearing loss in his later teens, and he's going through a tough time dealing with new emotions and frustrations, this book could definitely give him perspective on how his life will be and how he can adapt. But what about the child born with it? Just like me, he might already know how the story plays out, but maybe he'll learn the transition from middle to high school, to college, and so on with all the wonderful tasty little delights in between. Maybe he'll have a life, or a shed a tear, he'll say haha, I'm lucky that it's not like this, or maybe he'll say I wish my friends would be like that. Maybe it'd be a good book for him to read, or maybe it may be a sad book.
This is all unknown territory for me, and it's very scary. But if I had to promise one thing, it's this much - I'll try to experience everything I can, so the sooner I can write it, the sooner I can publish this book, and the shorter it'll be.
Would you read a book on someone who catalogs his first 22 years of life, or his first 100 years of life? There's a big difference in the fatness of that book.
Oh and incase you were wondering, other than students, I don't think many non-hearing impaired kids will buy this book... They might just take it off the internet. If you are reading this book and you are reading this passage, don't feel like you wasted your money, I promise to make the cover so goddamn awesome it'll include a coaster for when you put it on your coffee table.
22.1.09
Age
So I was interested in seeing if the livingwithhearingloss.blogspot.com was really taken and it was, and he bought up a couple of interesting points. Even though he only wrote three short things, and he wasn't born with it, and his posts were boring, it was a decent blog. (Not to toot my own horn, but, hey you know, my fingers do magical things)
He mentioned that there was something like 30 million people with hearing loss (ok, it's just a number, that number means jack shit to us, it doesn't put things in perspective, we are visual animals, unless we see, feel, or taste something, words do nothing for us) But he mentioned the number was getting higher because of baby boomers hitting their 60s.
I have nothing against people of age with hearing loss, at all. But what frustrates me is people of age with a hearing loss who complain they have it hard. I mean, it hits them like a sack of wet bricks - being hearing impaired sucks - bottom line. Why the bricks were wet, I don't know, but it sounded much more brutal, eh? Anyways, yes, being hearing impaired does suck, but don't go so far as to say, hey we have it hard, give us benefits or bonuses. You think you have it hard? At an age where you are stereotypically NOT supposed to hear well, people kind of expect the whole "senile" way of life you're about to embark on. And pardon my use of the word senile, it's so very stereotypical but it's the best fit. You try dealing with what you have towards the end of your life, after all is said and done, for the entirety of your life. Yeah, I'm glad you gain the perspective, and I feel for you, I really do, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, ever. But don't tell me you have it hard, instead, how about instead of channeling your energy into how life is difficult as you age, channel it into making life better and more understood for the young kids.
I am 19 now, I am by no means an old fart (although I feel it, a 5 year old in a 19 year olds body - oh and ladies, don't worry, I have the sex drive of a 19 year old) but I've been dealing with it for 17 years. That magic formula, I recieved my hearing aids at 2, so take however many years I am old and subtract 2. That's the amount of time I've spent with hearing aids. But, hey, it's a number, and lest I be a hypocrite, that number means jack shit to you. Ok, how bout this, take some cotton balls, put enough into your left ear that you can barely hear anything, you know there's a sound, but you don't know what it's saying or where it's coming from. In your right ear, put enough so everything sounds kinda muffled, like when you get to the point where if you know the subject matter, you kinda can tell what they are saying, but if they say random things, you have no idea what they are saying. Once you're there, imagine that - for 17 years. Yeah, good luck with that experiment, and please don't attempt it, by the time those 17 years are up, i'll have a whole nother 17 years on you, and you'll have to outlive me by 17 years to finish it. And I plan on living a long time. But those are just words, that long doesn't mean anything to you does it? Well I'll put it this way, the way technology is going, we have two paths. Soon everyone will be hearing impaired from the extremely loud noises we generate, or everyone will have crystalline hearing because all the sounds of entertainment will be channeled directly to your auditory inputs without causing the physical damage on your ossicles or ear drum. (Hey neurologists, don't you dare touch that, I want that experiment to myself in 9 or so years from now - and for those of you who hear of it down the line, don't forget who thought it first).
Yeah I'll cut this short, short by relative means, but still long by general means. And short like, well, shorts short enough that you can see that old man's balls dangling out the side. Yeah, that short.
He mentioned that there was something like 30 million people with hearing loss (ok, it's just a number, that number means jack shit to us, it doesn't put things in perspective, we are visual animals, unless we see, feel, or taste something, words do nothing for us) But he mentioned the number was getting higher because of baby boomers hitting their 60s.
I have nothing against people of age with hearing loss, at all. But what frustrates me is people of age with a hearing loss who complain they have it hard. I mean, it hits them like a sack of wet bricks - being hearing impaired sucks - bottom line. Why the bricks were wet, I don't know, but it sounded much more brutal, eh? Anyways, yes, being hearing impaired does suck, but don't go so far as to say, hey we have it hard, give us benefits or bonuses. You think you have it hard? At an age where you are stereotypically NOT supposed to hear well, people kind of expect the whole "senile" way of life you're about to embark on. And pardon my use of the word senile, it's so very stereotypical but it's the best fit. You try dealing with what you have towards the end of your life, after all is said and done, for the entirety of your life. Yeah, I'm glad you gain the perspective, and I feel for you, I really do, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, ever. But don't tell me you have it hard, instead, how about instead of channeling your energy into how life is difficult as you age, channel it into making life better and more understood for the young kids.
I am 19 now, I am by no means an old fart (although I feel it, a 5 year old in a 19 year olds body - oh and ladies, don't worry, I have the sex drive of a 19 year old) but I've been dealing with it for 17 years. That magic formula, I recieved my hearing aids at 2, so take however many years I am old and subtract 2. That's the amount of time I've spent with hearing aids. But, hey, it's a number, and lest I be a hypocrite, that number means jack shit to you. Ok, how bout this, take some cotton balls, put enough into your left ear that you can barely hear anything, you know there's a sound, but you don't know what it's saying or where it's coming from. In your right ear, put enough so everything sounds kinda muffled, like when you get to the point where if you know the subject matter, you kinda can tell what they are saying, but if they say random things, you have no idea what they are saying. Once you're there, imagine that - for 17 years. Yeah, good luck with that experiment, and please don't attempt it, by the time those 17 years are up, i'll have a whole nother 17 years on you, and you'll have to outlive me by 17 years to finish it. And I plan on living a long time. But those are just words, that long doesn't mean anything to you does it? Well I'll put it this way, the way technology is going, we have two paths. Soon everyone will be hearing impaired from the extremely loud noises we generate, or everyone will have crystalline hearing because all the sounds of entertainment will be channeled directly to your auditory inputs without causing the physical damage on your ossicles or ear drum. (Hey neurologists, don't you dare touch that, I want that experiment to myself in 9 or so years from now - and for those of you who hear of it down the line, don't forget who thought it first).
Yeah I'll cut this short, short by relative means, but still long by general means. And short like, well, shorts short enough that you can see that old man's balls dangling out the side. Yeah, that short.
5.12.08
roommate
roommate is pretty cool, not gonna lie, he tried staying up with me as I finished my paper while he worked on a paper about defining What is god. Apparently the movie he was watching got too complicated to follow when tired. Odd I know, but he's doing well despite his tendency to want to turn conversations to something about himself or how he's better than us.
These things are great springboards to getting your fingers moving when they don't want to.
These things are great springboards to getting your fingers moving when they don't want to.
Anger
This word that means so much to me. Sometimes I feel as if it's all I know, sometimes I feel that I've got control, but it's never never the case. I don't know if I have control, I don't know if I'm slowly becoming more open and more passionate. Just when I think I'm all calmed down, something comes a long and whips up a storm.
My dad said the anger is still there, I thought I had in someway, relinquished it little by little, but I suppose it still is there. Do I embrace it and accept it as part of me, or do I try to turn it away and completely destroy it? The bigger question here is, do I let my anger define me, or do I define my anger? If it is the first, then we have a real problem on our hands, but if it's the latter, then there's something I can do, maybe. There's that slight possibility that I can live without this anger, and just thinking about it, makes it that much more of a reality. Looking back I realize a couple of things, there's no point in being angry, it accomplishes nothing, and it feels crappy. It's as if someone came with giant sized hands and wringed every part of your body until you feel drained and stressed and torn beyond repair. It sucks, and the only way to relieve the pain is to stop being angry.
So yeah I got upset again today, big deal, it wasn't as strong as usual and no where near as long. Maybe it's getting better, I don't know... But when you're starting to get in shape and trying your hardest, who are you to be if you DON'T get angry at someone calling you fat just because you feel like having ice cream and a brownie once, in like, months of no desserts. You know, whatever, I don't need these people's opinions, and I don't need their criticism. I can be my own man, I can be the person that makes me happy.
Yes, I can say that I'm happy with being me. And being me makes me happy. Can I confidently say I don't care jack shit what other people think of me? No, and that's damn near impossible. You'd think growing up with a huge machine on your ear you'd learn to not care what other people think.
Hah, I say, and I'll say it again. Hah. Hah. There, twice for emphasis. Sure I don't care what people care about what I wear, no really I don't. I can go to class with a stain on my shirt and not care at all. Just as long as it's not a huge purple stain on a white shirt, but if it's a small stain, smaller than a penny and obscure, who cares. I know people who are anal and do care, they get upset if even a hair is out of place, and they pluck, yes, PLUCK, it out just so their hair remains kempt. But you know, when you become mainstreamed with a disability, that's just it. You are being MAINSTREAMED; like you know, MAIN, as in like, AVERAGE, or NORMAL. I understand the I is not an E and it reads MAIN not MEAN, don't get technical on me, you know what I mean. It is normal society, you can't deny that. See, if I was hearing impaired and grew up in the deaf community, I wouldn't be mainstreamed would I? But then does that make me not normal? Let's put a note there, WRITE ABOUT THIS LATER. Yeah that's right, I'm circumventing a tangent off of a tangent (remember, we were talking about anger? Fat chance of that happening now).
So, back to the point, guess what, if you have no disability and you hang out with mainstream society, is there a term for that? Yeah it's called life. For me it's known as "mainstreaming" the act of being one of them. It's simplistic, but it works as a definition for now. So I have to make a continual effort to fit in, to blend, to be one of you guys, and this is all because of my hearing loss. It makes me different, it doesn't make me worse or better or wiser, just... different. So there you have it, a different kid trying harder than everyone else to be like everyone else. And you're going to look me square in the eye and tell me a child with a hearing aid should have grown up not caring what people though of him? Let me ask you, how many self-concious hearing impaired people do you see with bed hair? You'd think if they're self-concious they'd at least comb? Wrong, like I just said, we don't care what you think of our physical appearance, some of us don't go to the gym to make you happy, we do it because it's rewarding, just like every other serious gym rat out there. But we do care what people think of us, specifically, do they think we are normal and just like them or are they thinking horrible things like why is this retarded person talking to me? Heh, I've kinda thrown that second part of the question away, and this is in large part due to my speech therapy. You have no idea how many times people meet me and think nothing of it, but when they meet someone else hearing impaired (with less years of speech therapy under their belt) they feel it imperative to come to me and tell me immediately, "My god! You speak so well for a hearing impaired person!" Gee thanks, nice to know I can overcome my shortcomings. That's like going up to someone and saying, "My god! That enhancement pill has made your erect penis a satisfactory size!" But all in all it's nice to have a reminder that yes I can hear myself, and by god, do I sound sexy or what?
So yeah I'm going to publish this post and get back to my paper, needed to get my creative juices flowing a bit.
oh and PS, as a scientist, I don't recommend Viagra or Extenze. It won't 'extend' as well as you want it to. But if you really feel the need to have a hard-on go for them. (Really though man, I mean c'mon, they are no where near as useful as speech therapy)
My dad said the anger is still there, I thought I had in someway, relinquished it little by little, but I suppose it still is there. Do I embrace it and accept it as part of me, or do I try to turn it away and completely destroy it? The bigger question here is, do I let my anger define me, or do I define my anger? If it is the first, then we have a real problem on our hands, but if it's the latter, then there's something I can do, maybe. There's that slight possibility that I can live without this anger, and just thinking about it, makes it that much more of a reality. Looking back I realize a couple of things, there's no point in being angry, it accomplishes nothing, and it feels crappy. It's as if someone came with giant sized hands and wringed every part of your body until you feel drained and stressed and torn beyond repair. It sucks, and the only way to relieve the pain is to stop being angry.
So yeah I got upset again today, big deal, it wasn't as strong as usual and no where near as long. Maybe it's getting better, I don't know... But when you're starting to get in shape and trying your hardest, who are you to be if you DON'T get angry at someone calling you fat just because you feel like having ice cream and a brownie once, in like, months of no desserts. You know, whatever, I don't need these people's opinions, and I don't need their criticism. I can be my own man, I can be the person that makes me happy.
Yes, I can say that I'm happy with being me. And being me makes me happy. Can I confidently say I don't care jack shit what other people think of me? No, and that's damn near impossible. You'd think growing up with a huge machine on your ear you'd learn to not care what other people think.
Hah, I say, and I'll say it again. Hah. Hah. There, twice for emphasis. Sure I don't care what people care about what I wear, no really I don't. I can go to class with a stain on my shirt and not care at all. Just as long as it's not a huge purple stain on a white shirt, but if it's a small stain, smaller than a penny and obscure, who cares. I know people who are anal and do care, they get upset if even a hair is out of place, and they pluck, yes, PLUCK, it out just so their hair remains kempt. But you know, when you become mainstreamed with a disability, that's just it. You are being MAINSTREAMED; like you know, MAIN, as in like, AVERAGE, or NORMAL. I understand the I is not an E and it reads MAIN not MEAN, don't get technical on me, you know what I mean. It is normal society, you can't deny that. See, if I was hearing impaired and grew up in the deaf community, I wouldn't be mainstreamed would I? But then does that make me not normal? Let's put a note there, WRITE ABOUT THIS LATER. Yeah that's right, I'm circumventing a tangent off of a tangent (remember, we were talking about anger? Fat chance of that happening now).
So, back to the point, guess what, if you have no disability and you hang out with mainstream society, is there a term for that? Yeah it's called life. For me it's known as "mainstreaming" the act of being one of them. It's simplistic, but it works as a definition for now. So I have to make a continual effort to fit in, to blend, to be one of you guys, and this is all because of my hearing loss. It makes me different, it doesn't make me worse or better or wiser, just... different. So there you have it, a different kid trying harder than everyone else to be like everyone else. And you're going to look me square in the eye and tell me a child with a hearing aid should have grown up not caring what people though of him? Let me ask you, how many self-concious hearing impaired people do you see with bed hair? You'd think if they're self-concious they'd at least comb? Wrong, like I just said, we don't care what you think of our physical appearance, some of us don't go to the gym to make you happy, we do it because it's rewarding, just like every other serious gym rat out there. But we do care what people think of us, specifically, do they think we are normal and just like them or are they thinking horrible things like why is this retarded person talking to me? Heh, I've kinda thrown that second part of the question away, and this is in large part due to my speech therapy. You have no idea how many times people meet me and think nothing of it, but when they meet someone else hearing impaired (with less years of speech therapy under their belt) they feel it imperative to come to me and tell me immediately, "My god! You speak so well for a hearing impaired person!" Gee thanks, nice to know I can overcome my shortcomings. That's like going up to someone and saying, "My god! That enhancement pill has made your erect penis a satisfactory size!" But all in all it's nice to have a reminder that yes I can hear myself, and by god, do I sound sexy or what?
So yeah I'm going to publish this post and get back to my paper, needed to get my creative juices flowing a bit.
oh and PS, as a scientist, I don't recommend Viagra or Extenze. It won't 'extend' as well as you want it to. But if you really feel the need to have a hard-on go for them. (Really though man, I mean c'mon, they are no where near as useful as speech therapy)
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