July 20th, 2009 - 12:09 am
Consider this an extension of the nicety post, but with some extra spice added to it.
Like I mentioned before, I think I'm a nice guy, even to the point where I feel I am way too nice sometimes. People always say, oh you're a nice guy and all, but no one ever seems to really really appreciate how nice I am, albeit a special few. And the reason why I'm being conceited on this point is because I rarely ever see anyone do anything as nice or as above and beyond what a normal person would do. The reason I'm bringing this up is because, I feel like it makes a difference in their lives if you can just make it that much easier for them - it may be such a small amount, something as simple as a small sentence, or something as grandiose as a generous gesture with nothing expected in return and nothing asked of you to do. I don't expect an overtly large thank you, a simple thank you will suffice. But to then turn around and act like a complete asshole to me? No, I mean, that's just complete bullshit.
I don't drink, one of the reasons why I don't drink is because I don't like myself when I'm drunk. The old childhood me comes out, the one that was bossy, commandeering, loud and aggressive. Mind you, aggressive and mean towards others are two different things. I was always still nice and grateful, but I was slightly more obnoxious than normal. Another reason is because I believe it's genuinely bad for you to drink, no matter what the reason is. One with a meal, and if you keep it to 2 a week at the very very very most - it's fine. But college parties definition of drinking - is not fine. And I've seen it on three counts three nights in a row. So, good old sober Darryl, as nice as he can be, dealing with a bunch of drunk people. Obviously I stick out like a sore thumb, I'm straight and they are weaving and bobbing all over the place talking about whatever it is they talk about in their own beer language... Of course I get stuck helping these people, and as you may or may not know, drunk people aren't necessarily the most appreciative, or thoughtful of people. That's fine with me, but to deal with it 3 nights in a row is a bit too much. Suffice to say I've reached my snapping point and that's why I'm here, in a room with the door locked and my hearing aid out. I can't deal with this shit anymore.
I so badly want to touch people's lives. I want them to feel better emotionally after they spend time with me, after a conversation I want them to feel better about themselves. I so badly want everyone to be as happy as I am. (most of the time) But there are times when I'm not happy, and I hate it so much. It's those times I wish I had someone to uplift my spirits, but that's what I've spent my entire life building up - being that guy to uplift someone's spirits when they are down. It doesn't always work, sure, but it's honestly the only thing that keeps me going as happy as I am - is knowing that I'm spreading happiness. But when I do try to help people, or to cheer them up and they just turn around and act completely against me, no matter how jokingly, enough times is going to make me feel like I'm hitting a stone wall. And I just get depleted. The only thing keeping me happy, is seeing how fulfilled I can make others.
Why, then, am I this way? Why am I so goddamn obsessed with making people enjoy themselves more and have a better fuller life? I could draw a theory to my hearing loss, and that's exactly what I will do. Whenever I was young, I was always upset about my hearing loss, i was a bossy child and my friends slowly drifted away from me because I was freaked out about not having things go the way I wanted them to. That meant that I would probably miss out on the 'plan change' because I couldn't hear it. So, there was little Darryl, down in the dumps, who considered suicide as an option. (A long time ago, a time that passed and that I'm over) And I never had anyone come to me to make me feel better. Sure I had my parents and my family, but I only saw them so much, and I couldn't possibly expect them to spend 24/7 with me. And with my friends drifting away, I was spending more and more time with myself, thinking about nothing else but how goddamn frustrated I was to be hearing impaired. I sat in my room moping, oh I'm hearing impaired and I'll never hear what they say, so I'm not going to even bother. Slowly I started spending more and more time with people, becoming much more reserved - more the listener and not the talker, more the follower and not the leader. I was afraid of losing them again to bossiness, I realized I couldn't control everything, and I didn't want to control even the littlest bit because I was afraid I'd miss some fundamental fact and I'd do everything wrongly.
But as I spent more and more time with people, I realized we all have problems, we all have sorrow, and to know what it feels like to be in immense sorrow, I just didn't want to let anyone else go through that, at least not without knowing they have a friend. I had stopped becoming the loud voice, and became the strong ear. I would always listen to anyone's problems, no matter how long, stupid, or boring they were. Whether they were simple problems, or incredibly complex problems - I listened. There was nothing more powerful than saying your piece and working your problem vocally, especially with someone listening and offering a different perspective on things. It was what I did, it is what I do.
It's tiring, and it's starting to get on my nerves. When do I get to speak again? I spoke for 8 years, then I stopped for 12. And now the people who I listen to, on what seems to be years and years on end, never listen to me. Talking back is either talking to a brick wall, a texting phone, or someone who wants to bring something up about themselves again. No one listens to my voice anymore. Years and years of suppressing my voice because it never had anything to say that was relevant (since it never knew what was relevant) has not only left me hearing impaired, but it's left me silent. Good, they're happy, they feel better. But what about me? The amount of happiness I get from helping other people slowly is diminishing as those people are not turning around to help me in my minor times of need.
I'm hearing impaired, I don't follow what's being said in a group very well, and while I hear them I don't understand them. I do better when I'm talking to one other person, about casual things. Then when it's just one person talking and I don't have to say much I listen the best, and I hear the best. But when I'm talking I don't think I can hear myself anymore, no one else seems to either.
26.4.09
Random Acts of Kindness
I would like to consider myself a nice guy. I mean to say, I feel that I may not be as good hearted as I would like to be, but there are things that I will do sometimes that I wouldn't expect to see in return. Simple things, like going out of my way to help people, or helping people when I just don't want to, but I feel that everyone does those kind of things, and I'm not entirely sure if it's just me or what. But I suppose I get in return what I give, and if I really thought about it, I'd feel like saying that whenever I do a lot of nice things something goes well for me, but that's just because I'm thinking about it and not because that's actually what happens. Then again, I really am not a nice person, or at least I think that because of the many things I think and say about people. A genuinely nice person wouldn't bad mouth someone else would he? I have, so I can't possibly be the extremely nice person everyone has made me out to be.
But if, and that's a big if, I am the person that everyone has said I am, why? Why do I do unneccesary things, that people wouldn't normally do, without prompt, without cause? I've often wondered sometimes, after I do something, why did I just go ahead and do that, when that person didn't even ask me for my help? I've always wondered about it, and thought maybe it was because I was hearing impaired, and maybe because I had gone through a lot in life I would want to make it easier for other people, just as I would want it to be easier for me. But that NEVER works out, never being 99%. I always expect people to help me out a certain way, and they never do unless I ask them. Sometimes they can't at all, and of course, me being the way I am, really, honestly, don't care that they can't help me. I've never liked asking for help, so I've always just helped people since I assumed they didn't like asking for help.
But does my hearing loss have anything to do with the acts of kindness or the fact that I don't like asking for help? Let's look at the first; when I first thought of this subject, I thought that maybe I was nice because a friend of mine was so nice to me I didn't understand why. And somehow, someway, that changed me. It's such a stupid story, but it deals with pokémon cards. I stole his, a month later they found out I had it, I gave it back. I stole it again, and they called that day and got it back. Now mind you, this is my best friend - not the nicest thing to do back in 3rd grade. But he eventually traded me that card for another one of my cards that I didn't care about at all. That trade, caused him to get another card that I really wanted. Now, I didn't steal this one, but it made me think. He went through all that trouble, didn't care that I stole it, was willing to let me have it basically, and ended up with the better deal. This was amazing, this was karma, this was like finding the statue of the fat golden man on top of the tallest mountain. But I never made a concious effort to change after that moment, I just kinda did, gradually. I think I was selfish, and even though I still am to this day (oh god, I am selfish beyond belief) I manage to put other people before me, and I honestly have not a care in the world about how other people use, or abuse, my help - as long as I can help them, I'm happy.
I'm honestly glad that I am the way I am now about this whole situation.. As I talk about it, life is simple, life is happy, life is carefree. As I type this, I am sitting on my porch, with my iTunes going, and it is the most beautiful day we've had in awhile (summer's starting, woo) There is really nothing better than this moment right here, the birds singing the graceful melody, the trees gently swaying in the most perfect summer breeze, the sun light just barely peeks through the leaves as it sets, casting a lush golden glow on the trees, grass, sky. Such a perfect moment, and it really is the best thing in life. I could be insided playing video games as i have been all summer (when I'm not working) but this is just so much better, and by sitting here doing nothing, I've never felt more alive. As long as I can sit here anytime I want, I don't really care what people expect of me, and I don't care if they need my help or not. I want people to be happy because I already am - eventhough I don't know it all the time...
I hate asking for help, I really do, the last thing I want to seem like is an imposition. But people tell me I'm not imposing, even though I genuinely feel like I am. It bothers me so much, that when I ask someone for help, and something gets done faster, it doesn't feel as satisyfing as if I had done it by myself and struggled. And not satisfying as in the sense of, I accomplished this myself, but satisfying in the sense that I won't feel comfortable with myself if I feel like I've imposed. So I never ask for help, since I constantly feel like I'm imposing. The only people who seem to be exempt to this is are my parents, only because, well they kinda have to and I'm no imposition to them. But I've never understood why I absolutely hated the feeling of imposition, and the feeling that I'd be making someone do something they dont' wanna do. Which is why someone goes out of their way to help me, and I've never asked them, I don't feel as bad, and so this is why I do it myself. The last thing I want is anyone to feel like they've imposed upon me.
Also, I don't think this has much to do with my hearing loss, because, as far as other hearing impaired people go, I haven't exactly been the perfect gentleman. I behave towards them, just as the rest of society does, and this is because I was raised in a mainstream society. It's only been, 6 or so years that I've started really helping people with hearing loss or in the same situation as I am in. It took me a while as I was a kid to realize that other people with hearing aids were the same as me. And those with more severe hearing losses and profound accents, they got made fun of, even while I was standing there, and I genuinely felt bad. This was a turn around for me, why would my friends make fun of someone with hearing loss when I'm standing right there with them? Such is a topic for another time.
The main theme I see here? Do unto others as you wish done unto yourself. Such a good statement to live by, but it's hard in this society where no one wants to seemingly do anything so far as to give you the time of day. In fact, I've heard way too many stories about people trying to get helped getting nothing but negativity in return, and that worries me. Where are we going as a society? Thankfully there are still people who are genuinely nice, showing that we still have a shred of humanity left. And hopefully, even to my old age, I can get to that point, and stop being corrupted by society's ways of influencing me to be 'mean.'
But if, and that's a big if, I am the person that everyone has said I am, why? Why do I do unneccesary things, that people wouldn't normally do, without prompt, without cause? I've often wondered sometimes, after I do something, why did I just go ahead and do that, when that person didn't even ask me for my help? I've always wondered about it, and thought maybe it was because I was hearing impaired, and maybe because I had gone through a lot in life I would want to make it easier for other people, just as I would want it to be easier for me. But that NEVER works out, never being 99%. I always expect people to help me out a certain way, and they never do unless I ask them. Sometimes they can't at all, and of course, me being the way I am, really, honestly, don't care that they can't help me. I've never liked asking for help, so I've always just helped people since I assumed they didn't like asking for help.
But does my hearing loss have anything to do with the acts of kindness or the fact that I don't like asking for help? Let's look at the first; when I first thought of this subject, I thought that maybe I was nice because a friend of mine was so nice to me I didn't understand why. And somehow, someway, that changed me. It's such a stupid story, but it deals with pokémon cards. I stole his, a month later they found out I had it, I gave it back. I stole it again, and they called that day and got it back. Now mind you, this is my best friend - not the nicest thing to do back in 3rd grade. But he eventually traded me that card for another one of my cards that I didn't care about at all. That trade, caused him to get another card that I really wanted. Now, I didn't steal this one, but it made me think. He went through all that trouble, didn't care that I stole it, was willing to let me have it basically, and ended up with the better deal. This was amazing, this was karma, this was like finding the statue of the fat golden man on top of the tallest mountain. But I never made a concious effort to change after that moment, I just kinda did, gradually. I think I was selfish, and even though I still am to this day (oh god, I am selfish beyond belief) I manage to put other people before me, and I honestly have not a care in the world about how other people use, or abuse, my help - as long as I can help them, I'm happy.
I'm honestly glad that I am the way I am now about this whole situation.. As I talk about it, life is simple, life is happy, life is carefree. As I type this, I am sitting on my porch, with my iTunes going, and it is the most beautiful day we've had in awhile (summer's starting, woo) There is really nothing better than this moment right here, the birds singing the graceful melody, the trees gently swaying in the most perfect summer breeze, the sun light just barely peeks through the leaves as it sets, casting a lush golden glow on the trees, grass, sky. Such a perfect moment, and it really is the best thing in life. I could be insided playing video games as i have been all summer (when I'm not working) but this is just so much better, and by sitting here doing nothing, I've never felt more alive. As long as I can sit here anytime I want, I don't really care what people expect of me, and I don't care if they need my help or not. I want people to be happy because I already am - eventhough I don't know it all the time...
I hate asking for help, I really do, the last thing I want to seem like is an imposition. But people tell me I'm not imposing, even though I genuinely feel like I am. It bothers me so much, that when I ask someone for help, and something gets done faster, it doesn't feel as satisyfing as if I had done it by myself and struggled. And not satisfying as in the sense of, I accomplished this myself, but satisfying in the sense that I won't feel comfortable with myself if I feel like I've imposed. So I never ask for help, since I constantly feel like I'm imposing. The only people who seem to be exempt to this is are my parents, only because, well they kinda have to and I'm no imposition to them. But I've never understood why I absolutely hated the feeling of imposition, and the feeling that I'd be making someone do something they dont' wanna do. Which is why someone goes out of their way to help me, and I've never asked them, I don't feel as bad, and so this is why I do it myself. The last thing I want is anyone to feel like they've imposed upon me.
Also, I don't think this has much to do with my hearing loss, because, as far as other hearing impaired people go, I haven't exactly been the perfect gentleman. I behave towards them, just as the rest of society does, and this is because I was raised in a mainstream society. It's only been, 6 or so years that I've started really helping people with hearing loss or in the same situation as I am in. It took me a while as I was a kid to realize that other people with hearing aids were the same as me. And those with more severe hearing losses and profound accents, they got made fun of, even while I was standing there, and I genuinely felt bad. This was a turn around for me, why would my friends make fun of someone with hearing loss when I'm standing right there with them? Such is a topic for another time.
The main theme I see here? Do unto others as you wish done unto yourself. Such a good statement to live by, but it's hard in this society where no one wants to seemingly do anything so far as to give you the time of day. In fact, I've heard way too many stories about people trying to get helped getting nothing but negativity in return, and that worries me. Where are we going as a society? Thankfully there are still people who are genuinely nice, showing that we still have a shred of humanity left. And hopefully, even to my old age, I can get to that point, and stop being corrupted by society's ways of influencing me to be 'mean.'
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