roommate is pretty cool, not gonna lie, he tried staying up with me as I finished my paper while he worked on a paper about defining What is god. Apparently the movie he was watching got too complicated to follow when tired. Odd I know, but he's doing well despite his tendency to want to turn conversations to something about himself or how he's better than us.
These things are great springboards to getting your fingers moving when they don't want to.
5.12.08
Anger
This word that means so much to me. Sometimes I feel as if it's all I know, sometimes I feel that I've got control, but it's never never the case. I don't know if I have control, I don't know if I'm slowly becoming more open and more passionate. Just when I think I'm all calmed down, something comes a long and whips up a storm.
My dad said the anger is still there, I thought I had in someway, relinquished it little by little, but I suppose it still is there. Do I embrace it and accept it as part of me, or do I try to turn it away and completely destroy it? The bigger question here is, do I let my anger define me, or do I define my anger? If it is the first, then we have a real problem on our hands, but if it's the latter, then there's something I can do, maybe. There's that slight possibility that I can live without this anger, and just thinking about it, makes it that much more of a reality. Looking back I realize a couple of things, there's no point in being angry, it accomplishes nothing, and it feels crappy. It's as if someone came with giant sized hands and wringed every part of your body until you feel drained and stressed and torn beyond repair. It sucks, and the only way to relieve the pain is to stop being angry.
So yeah I got upset again today, big deal, it wasn't as strong as usual and no where near as long. Maybe it's getting better, I don't know... But when you're starting to get in shape and trying your hardest, who are you to be if you DON'T get angry at someone calling you fat just because you feel like having ice cream and a brownie once, in like, months of no desserts. You know, whatever, I don't need these people's opinions, and I don't need their criticism. I can be my own man, I can be the person that makes me happy.
Yes, I can say that I'm happy with being me. And being me makes me happy. Can I confidently say I don't care jack shit what other people think of me? No, and that's damn near impossible. You'd think growing up with a huge machine on your ear you'd learn to not care what other people think.
Hah, I say, and I'll say it again. Hah. Hah. There, twice for emphasis. Sure I don't care what people care about what I wear, no really I don't. I can go to class with a stain on my shirt and not care at all. Just as long as it's not a huge purple stain on a white shirt, but if it's a small stain, smaller than a penny and obscure, who cares. I know people who are anal and do care, they get upset if even a hair is out of place, and they pluck, yes, PLUCK, it out just so their hair remains kempt. But you know, when you become mainstreamed with a disability, that's just it. You are being MAINSTREAMED; like you know, MAIN, as in like, AVERAGE, or NORMAL. I understand the I is not an E and it reads MAIN not MEAN, don't get technical on me, you know what I mean. It is normal society, you can't deny that. See, if I was hearing impaired and grew up in the deaf community, I wouldn't be mainstreamed would I? But then does that make me not normal? Let's put a note there, WRITE ABOUT THIS LATER. Yeah that's right, I'm circumventing a tangent off of a tangent (remember, we were talking about anger? Fat chance of that happening now).
So, back to the point, guess what, if you have no disability and you hang out with mainstream society, is there a term for that? Yeah it's called life. For me it's known as "mainstreaming" the act of being one of them. It's simplistic, but it works as a definition for now. So I have to make a continual effort to fit in, to blend, to be one of you guys, and this is all because of my hearing loss. It makes me different, it doesn't make me worse or better or wiser, just... different. So there you have it, a different kid trying harder than everyone else to be like everyone else. And you're going to look me square in the eye and tell me a child with a hearing aid should have grown up not caring what people though of him? Let me ask you, how many self-concious hearing impaired people do you see with bed hair? You'd think if they're self-concious they'd at least comb? Wrong, like I just said, we don't care what you think of our physical appearance, some of us don't go to the gym to make you happy, we do it because it's rewarding, just like every other serious gym rat out there. But we do care what people think of us, specifically, do they think we are normal and just like them or are they thinking horrible things like why is this retarded person talking to me? Heh, I've kinda thrown that second part of the question away, and this is in large part due to my speech therapy. You have no idea how many times people meet me and think nothing of it, but when they meet someone else hearing impaired (with less years of speech therapy under their belt) they feel it imperative to come to me and tell me immediately, "My god! You speak so well for a hearing impaired person!" Gee thanks, nice to know I can overcome my shortcomings. That's like going up to someone and saying, "My god! That enhancement pill has made your erect penis a satisfactory size!" But all in all it's nice to have a reminder that yes I can hear myself, and by god, do I sound sexy or what?
So yeah I'm going to publish this post and get back to my paper, needed to get my creative juices flowing a bit.
oh and PS, as a scientist, I don't recommend Viagra or Extenze. It won't 'extend' as well as you want it to. But if you really feel the need to have a hard-on go for them. (Really though man, I mean c'mon, they are no where near as useful as speech therapy)
My dad said the anger is still there, I thought I had in someway, relinquished it little by little, but I suppose it still is there. Do I embrace it and accept it as part of me, or do I try to turn it away and completely destroy it? The bigger question here is, do I let my anger define me, or do I define my anger? If it is the first, then we have a real problem on our hands, but if it's the latter, then there's something I can do, maybe. There's that slight possibility that I can live without this anger, and just thinking about it, makes it that much more of a reality. Looking back I realize a couple of things, there's no point in being angry, it accomplishes nothing, and it feels crappy. It's as if someone came with giant sized hands and wringed every part of your body until you feel drained and stressed and torn beyond repair. It sucks, and the only way to relieve the pain is to stop being angry.
So yeah I got upset again today, big deal, it wasn't as strong as usual and no where near as long. Maybe it's getting better, I don't know... But when you're starting to get in shape and trying your hardest, who are you to be if you DON'T get angry at someone calling you fat just because you feel like having ice cream and a brownie once, in like, months of no desserts. You know, whatever, I don't need these people's opinions, and I don't need their criticism. I can be my own man, I can be the person that makes me happy.
Yes, I can say that I'm happy with being me. And being me makes me happy. Can I confidently say I don't care jack shit what other people think of me? No, and that's damn near impossible. You'd think growing up with a huge machine on your ear you'd learn to not care what other people think.
Hah, I say, and I'll say it again. Hah. Hah. There, twice for emphasis. Sure I don't care what people care about what I wear, no really I don't. I can go to class with a stain on my shirt and not care at all. Just as long as it's not a huge purple stain on a white shirt, but if it's a small stain, smaller than a penny and obscure, who cares. I know people who are anal and do care, they get upset if even a hair is out of place, and they pluck, yes, PLUCK, it out just so their hair remains kempt. But you know, when you become mainstreamed with a disability, that's just it. You are being MAINSTREAMED; like you know, MAIN, as in like, AVERAGE, or NORMAL. I understand the I is not an E and it reads MAIN not MEAN, don't get technical on me, you know what I mean. It is normal society, you can't deny that. See, if I was hearing impaired and grew up in the deaf community, I wouldn't be mainstreamed would I? But then does that make me not normal? Let's put a note there, WRITE ABOUT THIS LATER. Yeah that's right, I'm circumventing a tangent off of a tangent (remember, we were talking about anger? Fat chance of that happening now).
So, back to the point, guess what, if you have no disability and you hang out with mainstream society, is there a term for that? Yeah it's called life. For me it's known as "mainstreaming" the act of being one of them. It's simplistic, but it works as a definition for now. So I have to make a continual effort to fit in, to blend, to be one of you guys, and this is all because of my hearing loss. It makes me different, it doesn't make me worse or better or wiser, just... different. So there you have it, a different kid trying harder than everyone else to be like everyone else. And you're going to look me square in the eye and tell me a child with a hearing aid should have grown up not caring what people though of him? Let me ask you, how many self-concious hearing impaired people do you see with bed hair? You'd think if they're self-concious they'd at least comb? Wrong, like I just said, we don't care what you think of our physical appearance, some of us don't go to the gym to make you happy, we do it because it's rewarding, just like every other serious gym rat out there. But we do care what people think of us, specifically, do they think we are normal and just like them or are they thinking horrible things like why is this retarded person talking to me? Heh, I've kinda thrown that second part of the question away, and this is in large part due to my speech therapy. You have no idea how many times people meet me and think nothing of it, but when they meet someone else hearing impaired (with less years of speech therapy under their belt) they feel it imperative to come to me and tell me immediately, "My god! You speak so well for a hearing impaired person!" Gee thanks, nice to know I can overcome my shortcomings. That's like going up to someone and saying, "My god! That enhancement pill has made your erect penis a satisfactory size!" But all in all it's nice to have a reminder that yes I can hear myself, and by god, do I sound sexy or what?
So yeah I'm going to publish this post and get back to my paper, needed to get my creative juices flowing a bit.
oh and PS, as a scientist, I don't recommend Viagra or Extenze. It won't 'extend' as well as you want it to. But if you really feel the need to have a hard-on go for them. (Really though man, I mean c'mon, they are no where near as useful as speech therapy)
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